How to put the spark back into my marriage?

Question

Ok, here's the thing. My marriage is a disaster. My mind tells me I should have left my husband a long time ago but I'd forgive and forget and try to carry on with the pieces. My faith tells me to stay put. My heart is caught in the middle not knowing what to do. There are children involved. We are going through counseling and I think there's "some" hope. After everything that's happened I ended up hurt by his actions and in turn am hurting him with my indecision. Yet, he remains. So, there's hope. I can forgive and even forget but I know he's just not that into me and quite frankly I'm not that into him. We'd like to make it work especially for the children. So, how do we get the spark back into our marriage from here? I don't trust him yet. I know that's a big problem. We've had sex again and this was difficult for me but enjoyable anyway. However, I don't want to engage in sex for now because I don't want to confuse sexual feelings with loving feelings. Now what?

Answer 1

Oh, don't you just love being a woman! As women, we tend to always want to mend anything, regardless of how much it's hurts us in the past. My advice to "put the spark back into your marriage" would be to start doing absolutely NEW things together. This way, you begin creating new memories that will hopefully be pleasing to you. Then, these new memories can start to fade away the old negative ones and give you more of a sense of hope. Also, if you believe in the Lord, pray about it. Satan's best way to destroy you is to start in your home by separating the family. He attempts to destroy that first, then begins working on you individually.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Sounds like you guys both know it's still there it's probally been buried under a lot of other stuff. Start with the little things you did in the beginning when you first fell in love.....sitting at the beach and talking, going dancing, walks, you guys just need to put everything aside that came in between you guys and remember and enjoy each other again. The sex is understandable since people do tend to try to fix things with sex, my husband has said these very same things he just never acted on them....ask your spouse out on a date and treat it like a first date but make sure that you are up front and honest and don't play any mind games to test whether you can trust them or not because it will cause more problems guaranteed. If your spouse loves you as much as you obviously love them they will take it slow besides who wouldn't want to fall in love with there spouse all over again!! That's a dream come true to go through all those first moments again isn't it?

Answer 4

You need to take some time just the two of you. Counseling is good and everything but you need to make sure you have an emotional connection as well. Drop the kids at their grandparents for the weekend and go camping do something where you can talk and see if you still have a connection. If infedility was the problem then you need to know he's recommitted and lay some ground rules as well. The point though is you can't stay married "for the kids" its a nice thought but if you don't know each other anymore you can't live with one another. Find out if you guys are still what one another wants. God Bless and good luck

Answer 5

Sex is important to a good, strong, and loving marriage. If you are staying together for just 'the childrens' sake, then you are still in trouble.
Personal experience. Marriage counselor was not qualified, nor unbias. Spouse was screwing a person five years her junior, a senior in High School. It was his first and she enjoyed being a teacher, so to speak. I took it in stride and was of the mind that as long as you have your priority straight, then carry-on your affair. I gave her the choice, she choose poorly. It ended in a nasty divorce, and then I moved out of state. My son had a closer relationship with me then his mother. It took her over twelve years to speak to me with a civil tone. Our son has now been MIA for three years, he
hasn't contact her nor I. We don't even know if he's still alive...... really.
I've now been married for twenty-five years to the second 'love of my life'. It's had the up and down but we have managed to stay the course. WE both have strayed, but have somehow, through love and forgiveness, continued to be partners. There are other things that I won't go into depth on here, suffice to say it's not been a smooth ride, we work it out.

Answer 6

Ultimately you need to stay true to yourself, because we only get one chance at life. And it's one thing to (truly) forgive someone for their actions, but we never really forget. This may sound selfish, but your kids are secondary in this marriage, a by-product of your union with your husband. Ultimately if the union between the two of you is failing, you're not doing your kids any favors by sticking around and trying to ride out a failing relationship. You need to be strong for yourself, not hang around allowing your husband to control the relationship by "remaining".
You said yourself, you re not even that into him, so why waste your precious time by staying? Take control girl, be selfish...think of yourself first, not third or fourth!!! The happier you are, the better the mother you can be for your precious children, and everyone will be the happier for it. The spark is long gone.

Answer 7

This is good that u are wanting to make it work, but dont just do because u have children together.. that only makes things worse.. and yes just by having sex doesnt solve anything.. Have u thought about taking a few days and spending time together. Go out and do something u used to do together. have a romantic evening together.. Its hard getting back into the groove of things.
once u have been without for so long its hard..
U have to focus on the good and not the bad.. i wish u all the luck and god bless u

Answer 8

Take the body and the mind will follow.

My wife and I separated and divorced then remarried after two years of divorce. The problem we duplicitous. She had problems I had problems and we didn't communicate. Communication is key. 1/2 a day, One Date night per week and sex often.. (it's like riding a bike) don't confuse the hurt with the fun. Put the stuff in a past bucket. don't bring it into the now.

Answer 9

There's always hope for healing! Don't give up on your marriage. God is able to heal the brokenness and bring love into the dead areas of marriage. May I strongly suggest your reading, "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. She was in somewhat the same situation and she speaks on how she and her husband overcame it. There is hope...keep going to counseling...do new things together, talk, and pray.

Answer 10

I would definitely keep the counselour. Maybe this will some how help you solve what's missing. Also, if you honestly want to work at your marriage, try dating. Try to find that spark that first brought you to him. Think back to when you guys meet and go back down HAPPY memory lane. If that doesn't work or if you just don't feel your marriage will work, then try a separation.