Why do I still love him so much when he is so mean and has ignored me so much?

Question

My husband and I have been together since teenagers. I love him so much and don't want a divorce. However, he has entered a Ph.D. program and now thinks he doesn't need me and his two children. Get this, his degree is in helping children with Autism but our son is autistic and already handling this separation badly (having fits, hitting, screaming, etc). I know my husband is being a real jerk and loser, but he was once a nice church going man. We gave up everything for him to come here and do this. How do you stop hurting and more importantly, how do you stop loving someone with which you've spent 15 years?

Answer 1

Success doesn't always measure the type of loser that you are. My advice, return to your roots, if you were in church before, what's stopping you now? Its obvious that you have internet service, well you can research your denomination and find the church that is closest to you and your belief system, you need a support group, and yahoo is not it. Next, find a good counselor, your husband has to see one, its one of the requirements of his profession. You do not have to see the same counselor, just make sure it has all the creditials so that both of the counselors can confer about the two of you. This happens all the time, There are some issues that your husbands counselor can't discuss about your husband, however everything in his private life, can be shared with your counselor, by default. Marriage is great, issues within a marriage can always solved, and maintaining the commit that you both share will last a lifetime.

Answer 2

I left after 18 years of my loving him and him being a complete ***.

I gave him three beautiful smart daughters and all of my years between 23 and 40. I loved him very much and he treated us badly. The last thing I wanted in the world was a divorce and I did everything humanly possible to prevent it.

One day I found a wonderful man who convinced me that I was worth more and shouldn't be a doormat. I divorced my husband and took the kids. I started a new life and went on to love again, only this time I chose a winner. I know in my heart that I will be with him always.

My advice to you is to get out while you can. It doesn't get better. Once respect is lost, it's all gone. You won't stop loving, but you will move on. It's a different type of love once you are gone - more like brother and sister - but it can still be there. You will find romantic love again if you choose to at some point.

Find new friends who will support you. Take some time for yourself. Start new routines and traditions. Soon you won't be thinking of him all of the time - a little bit more every day. It's easier if you stop all contact for the time it takes you to understand that you are not going to be married to him anymore, then resume contact gradually while you work out a friendship for the sake of your kids.

Lastly, try to get yourself into therapy to find out why you love this man who does not love you. You will really find out a lot about yourself and it's very good to have someone objective to talk to.

Answer 3

You don't stop hurting. That's a fact. But you have two choices now:

1. You sit back, take the divorce and hope he provides for you and your children.

2. You get a good lawyer and take him to the f-u-c-k-i-n-g cleaners. You wipe the floor with this conceited jerk who is the most selfish person I've heard of all day! A good lawyer will handle all the details for you, and the good part is that "he" will pay for your lawyer.

So, you can take this sitting down or standing up and fighting for your dignity. The choice is yours.

TX Guy

Answer 4

I have never been married, however my parents are divorced and they still love each other. I don't think you ever stop loving the person, but if your love for them becomes more important than loving yourself that is cause for concern. I hope that you have taken the time to discuss your concerns with your husband because he might be unaware that you are unhappy. If you want to save the relationship marriage counseling is a good place to start. But children are better off with divorced parents that are happy than married parents that are angry and cause tension in the home. Do what is right for you and your children's future.

Answer 5

you will rpobably never stop loving him. BUt save yourself and move on.
My ex became a dentist. Then he left our family. So I can relate.
The harsh reality is that it is what it is and it's time for you to just STOP. Move on with your own life, raising your child. You can do it without your husband. He lost sight of his priorities and there's nothing you can do about it.
He may have been a nice, church going man at one point in time, but clearly, he no longer is. That's a choice he made, a choice that will have to be dealt with.
Find a support group, get a new hobby, find things that make you happy and are healthy for you and your child. And one day, you'll look back and it wont hurt anymore, you wont miss him.

Answer 6

you don't stop loving a person after 15 yrs. it don't work that way.your husband is a jerk but you remember the good him and your wondering were did it go.only if you can find it, you will pull it out of his *** and have your husband back. well that's not going to work. don't matter what you do you can't change a person, help yourself and your children.and that love you have for him will fade to a love that you wish him well. start reading self help books read ten stupid things women do to mess up their lives and stupid things parents do to mess up their kids by Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger you can find her books any major book stores there easy reading and she has a radio show on 640AM ;12noon-3PM Calif time Mon-Fri you will love this program you need it. and prey give it to God.

Answer 7

i believe he is having an affair, my ex changed drastically, i too did not want the divorce, but he and the other woman had decided for me. my ex was a god fearing moral man, but when he met her, he changed. they do say we become who we sleep with. no he doesn't need you and the children anymore as he already has someone else, hate to say it, know it hurts alot. we never stop loving them, but sometimes we have to get out of it for our own sanity. it hurt me too to see the man i loved talk to me as if i didn't matter to him anymore, get back in a good church, talk to someone who can help u get through this, as it's really hard to move on on your own. only another woman could do this to a family.

Answer 8

well you can not just stop loving him. i would confront him directly. any phd program is hard and i know from nursing school that anything like this is stressful. tell him the kids and i need you. tell him you can not understand why he wants to help autistic children and then not help his own. My oldest son is autistic and believe me i know you need two adults working together. your husband may need to see a councilor. maybe he feels at fault for your sons disability. guilt is a hard emotion to conquer. i think maybe he feels like he failed his family.

Answer 9

You need to work on your self esteem. If you felt better about yourself, you wouldn't want to be with a man who makes you feel so bad. Yes, you have children and they need you more now than ever. You can do it but, you need to believe in yourself first. Don't feel that you need this man in your life to be happy. You need to be happy with your life first.

Answer 10

WoW that is so hurtful not only for you but for your children too. I wish you all the best with this. My only advice is to put this in the hands of God leave it up to hm to work it out.