Hi! Can u plz review this piece of writing from my book?

Question

Zara trudged through the aisles of the DIY shop. It was a sad fact that this was the only place she could let out her worries. Annie was by the counter, straightening her uniform- a bright green apron and trackies. Smiling, she put her arm around Zara when she saw her.
"So Zee ...what stresses does this week at school bring?" she grinned, running her fingers through her short, multicoloured spiky hair. "Them cheerleaders bothering you again?"
"Well they always do Annie! I'm such a wannabe it's scary- I even tried out for the cheerleading team and entered the Gothic Art competition!" she moaned.
"God Annie, will I ever fit it?"
"Sure you will kid, so did you get anywhere?" she replied. Zara raised her eyebrows and then leaned on Annie's shoulder. "Aw, well I never used to fit it at school and I'm getting off okay!"
Zara stared intently at her friend. She sure was beautiful. And so...different. She wasn't cheerleader beautiful. She had punky, short and very colourful hair with a perfect nose and mouth. Annie Jo would always wear so many weird and wacky but wonderful earrings and nose studs, it was impossible to call her boring.
"Why are you staring at me, kid?" Annie laughed, then going to check her watch. "What time do you have to be home by?"
"Seven. Ma's preparing dinner. She says you can come."
"Thanks, I accept the invitation."
Annie Jo grabbed Zara's hand and dragged her to the paint aisles.
"Pick two colours to represent your personality!" Annie ordered, her eyes glittering.
"Ummm, pink and black- why?"
Annie swung on a metal bar and landed deftly on the second shelf.
"Let's see...pink..." she whispered to herself. Finally she picked up the most deep, shocking pink and plucked a can of black off the opposite shelf.
She jumped down and handed both the cans to Zara.
"What are these?" she asked, puzzled.
"These my dear are paint cans!"
"Well duh, I know that but what for?"
Annie Jo stroked the cans.
"Ok, tomorrow I'll be round yours for lunch at dinner okay?" she said. "And then we'll get to work!"
"Doing what?"
"Oh you'll see!"
Linking arms, Annie walked out the store.
"You know, when I was your age my refuge used to be my bedroom. It practically saved my life. I remember spending all my money on ten different coloured paint cans and having a laugh just splashing them around. I tie-dyed all my bedclothes and made multicoloured-dye rugs and shawls to hang on my walls- but consider yours on the house. I get thirty cans free every year!" Annie explained. "I was weird for a twelve year old Indian girl. But that was the way I liked it."
"Thanks. Well, do you still go to that room?" Zara asked.
"Sure, you ever wondered what lies on the third floor of our house?" Annie smiled.
"Yeah, sure I have but I would've thought that was some storing area."
"You would've thought wrong."
"So do you have to get back to work?" Zara asked, brushing through her thick black hair.
"Nope, let's got to yours."

Answer 1

Was this excerpted from a book, or did you write it? If so...
It's well-written, and yet...it feels like it's trying too hard to be alternative. Sort of like that 'Vampire Kisses' book, written from a 'goth' perspective by a very non-goth author. There's a DIY store (uh, no such thing, unless you meant 'a craft store', in which case why was it not called such?) complaining about cheerleaders, nose studs, multicolored hair, spray paint - I'm not bashing you, but you may want to research your subcultures a little bit more. This reads more like punk/goth/emo/alternative as a cheerleader might imagine it. Again, nicely written, but in need of a review of subject matter.

Answer 2

Zara trudged through the aisles of the DIY shop. It was a sad fact that this was the only place she could let out her worries. Annie was by the counter, straightening her uniform- a bright green apron and trackies. Smiling, she put her arm around Zara when she saw her.
"So Zee ...what stresses does this week at school bring?" she grinned, running her fingers through her short, multicoloured spiky hair. "Those cheerleaders bothering you again?"
"Well they always do Annie! I'm such a wannabe it's scary- I even tried out for the cheerleading team and entered the Gothic Art competition!" she moaned.
"God Annie, will I ever fit it?"
"Sure you will kid, so did you get anywhere?" she replied. Zara raised her eyebrows and then leaned on Annie's shoulder. "Aw, well I never used to fit in at school and I'm getting off okay!"
Zara stared intently at her friend. She sure was beautiful. And so...different. She wasn't cheerleader beautiful. She had punky, short and very colourful hair with a perfect nose and mouth. Annie Jo would always wear so many weird and wacky but wonderful earrings and nose studs, it was impossible to call her boring.
"Why are you staring at me, kid?" Annie laughed, then going to check her watch. "What time do you have to be home by?"
"Seven. Ma's preparing dinner. She says you can come."
"Thanks, I accept the invitation."
Annie Jo grabbed Zara's hand and dragged her to the paint aisles.
"Pick two colours to represent your personality!" Annie ordered, her eyes glittering.
"Ummm, pink and black- why?"
Annie swung on a metal bar and landed deftly on the second shelf.
"Let's see...pink..." she whispered to herself. Finally she picked up the most deep, shocking pink and plucked a can of black off the opposite shelf.
She jumped down and handed both the cans to Zara.
"What are these?" she asked, puzzled.
"These my dear are paint cans!"
"Well duh, I know that but what for?"
Annie Jo stroked the cans.
"Ok, tomorrow I'll be round yours for lunch at dinner okay?" she said. "And then we'll get to work!"
"Doing what?"
"Oh you'll see!"
Linking arms, Annie walked out the store.
"You know, when I was your age my refuge used to be my bedroom. It practically saved my life. I remember spending all my money on ten different coloured paint cans and having a laugh just splashing them around. I tie-dyed all my bedclothes and made multicoloured-dye rugs and shawls to hang on my walls- but consider yours on the house. I get thirty cans free every year!" Annie explained. "I was weird for a twelve year old Indian girl. But that was the way I liked it."
"Thanks. Well, do you still go to that room?" Zara asked.
"Sure, you ever wondered what lies on the third floor of our house?" Annie smiled.
"Yeah, sure I have but I would've thought that was some storing area."
"You would've thought wrong."
"So do you have to get back to work?" Zara asked, brushing through her thick black hair.
"Nope, let's got to yours."

Answer 3

Its pretty good but maybe too much dialogue and you just need to go over the grammer and spelling thats all!