Why doesn't my wife like sex?

Question

I’ve been married a year last Sep. And sex with my wife has dropped drastically in that year. I’ve read articles and a variety of internet blogs and still no sure answer. We have a good marriage and everything other than sex is balanced fairly well. But for some reason she doesn’t have the sexually desires she used to before we married. Before we married it was 2-3 times a week and she wanted it. She is 22 and I am 29 and according to her I was her first. Though I always understood you would KNOW when/if you had sex with a female virgin. I was not so sure. With that said, I on the other hand, had a hand full of sexual partners prior to being with her sexually (none virgins). Each of those experiences the female come on to me or initiated the sexual encounter as often or more than I did. Now if I don’t initiate it, it doesn’t happen. She says it would get dry and hurt after a few minutes so we got KY, which helped, still no increase. Then we talked some more about it.

I need more room to type.

She said “not enough fore-play” so I bought toys and we watched porn and now spend 45 min to an hour simply “warming her up”. It’s gotten to where she can’t get “warmed up” w/out porn. Forget spontaneous sex, no way, it’s not happening. We’re now down to 1 or 2 a month and that feels more like it’s out of pity for me or simply to shut me up for a while. She has climaxed each and every time whether during intercourse or orally (which she likes best). That’s why it’s so confusing. I thought everyone loved to climax? (She’s not faking that’s for sure, she get loud and climbs the walls) She’s never seemed like the cheating kind but I’m beginning to have my doubts. She has blamed her birth control and though I don’t know that she mentioned her lack of libido to her doctor, he has changed her prescription a number of times to no avail.

. Being turned down by a woman who supposedly has only been with you, hits below the knees. Because after all she doesn’t even know what she’s been missing. Right? I should be a sexual God in her eyes. What am I doing wrong?

She has never had children but I have custody of my seven year old daughter from a previous relationship.

I have talked to her a few times in the last year about it but I do not hound her. I have waited as long as three weeks before even mentioning sex because I wanted to see how long it would take before she came on to meor at lest said "hey we haven't had sex in a while". Of course she didn't. I want her to enjoy sex the way I do. I want us both to want to be with each other.

Answer 1

My experience is, if one of the partners doesn't want to be intimate, there is usually something unrelated to sex at the hub of it all. I don't think your wife would change that drastically in such a short time if it was jusst about the sex....there could be something physically wrong--has she asked her doctor? Or, maybe she feels that you are ignoring some of her other needs, like for intimacy instead of just sex. DO you cuddle a lot? Do things for her? Most women are suckers for a little TLC, you know. Guess you should look to the status of other aspects of your relationship for answers as well, not just sexual ones. I know this can be very frustrating, but for women it's all tied to emotion so much---she is upset about something. Find out what it is.

Answer 2

Some people just have a low libido. Perhaps partially why she hadn't had any sexual experience before you was because she did not seek it out, it wasn't important. Then she had a "splash" with you, it was new and different at the time - but now she's back into her regular pattern (sex not being very important anymore). I don't think it has much to do with you specifically, but sex does get old to some people. I've had a fair bit of experience, but it was never about the act itself, it was more about the thrill of being with someone new. I have gone for long periods of time without a sexual partner, and never even missed it; there were always so many other things to do. Now that I'm with the same person, the act itself is actually fairly boring. I don't particularly "like" to climax, I get much more pleasure out of eating a bag of chips while reading a good book. I think it depends on the person. It's possible that there's a medical reason for it, but so far none have been suggested to me.

Answer 3

Your wife has lost the initial attraction she had for you. Welcome to marriage. The only way to avoid this.....and very few men do....is to be the man she thought she had at the beginning. How do you do that?

By being unpredictable and mysterious. The less she knows about what makes you tick the more interested she will become.
There is a term......I think this was mostly for women......"familiarity breeds contempt". Why this happens is every mans question.
We never loose that desire for her unless we fall completely out of love with her. not so with her. She can love you but for some reason it turns in to love like a brother. Bad news.

It really has to do with attraction. Attraction is not a choice. Something sparks it and that very thing will keep it alive. Think back to when you were first together. Not at all like now right?

You are now experiencing what almost 90%+ of all marriages end up being. Why do you think there is so much fooling around and the divorce rate is 50% in the U.S.?

How you make love to her makes no difference. We think that if it is good for her every time how can she not want to do it again. It doesn't work that way with woman.

Consider this: Women go through a tremendous amount of pain at child birth. Why do they continue to do it again? We would only do that once I think. Just the way they are. Attraction and sexual desire for them is not a physical thing. It is almost 100% mental.
You were very attractive to her in the beginning becasue she didn't know you. Now......but I got to tell you for this to be this bad after only one year......ouch!

If you can't spark that attraction......that they will never be able to tell you what is....you are doomed to this. Sorry! We all are.

Answer 4

Have you heard something like sexual frigidity?
There could be a lot of reasons for this.

i) earlier bad incidents or bad ideas about sex.
ii) painful sex which gradually made sex unacceptable.
iii) Emotional stress leading to depression.
iv) Or simply the belief that this much is enough in marriage.

The idiot who said its all common in marriage doesnt know a thing. Its very important you go see a councilor and take his directions and definitely see a psychologist as soon as posible.

Dry vaginal tract is a surefire sign of disinterest or sign that she is not interested in it. Becuase there is no way a woman who climaxes every time wouldnt ask for it atleast within a week. So she is definitely faking it just to get it over with. And believe me they are good at it. But they do it mostly if their partner is not good at it but dont want to hurt him. (no hard feelings pls)Now dont blame her. Shes having some serious issues and you both immediately need medical attention. Bcoz you ppl dont seem to have enough communication between you both so you need a councilor or psychologist. They can find the root of the problem. May be its you may be it her or maybe it a bit of both of you.

Answer 5

It may be a phase that she is going through. Harmones could play a role. Don't get all suspicious of her if you know she's not the cheating kind. I have been married to my husband for 7 and a half months now. And it is an adjusting period. Personally, I love making love but sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just enjoy pleasuring him, like giving him head (which I never liked doing before). Be patient with her. If she isn't a virgin, she lied. But b4 you jump down her throat, could she have been sexually abused and that is who she unfortunately lost her virginity to? A loser? She may be not counting that fateful encounter as losing her virginity and now is starting over again. Please be patient if you love her. If the other areas of your life are healthy then you will get through this. Let her open up to you when she is ready. There's a reason to everything. Feed positive thoughts and you will never lose, in the truest sense! Good luck to u!!

Answer 6

Ya know, being a good lover doesn't come naturally to you guys, and few of you know it. All guys tend to think they are just great lovers, but alas, you aren't. (Just as an example, less than 20% of even young women climax with penetration only... did you know that? And we are great at faking it, because the guy is just sooooo bad we want it over.....) Every woman should have a manual attached that is entitled, "How to Make Love to This Woman". But we don't, so you'll just have to get smarter..... All marriages slow down, but at 22,and only one year, that is a little short in time. Get a book entitled "For You Both" by Lonnie Barbach, cheap in paperback, and can be yours by Saturday from Amazon.com.... worth every dime. She is THE sex therapist in the country today, and all sex therapists use her stuff. Too much in it or me to even begin.... just buy the book.

Just as a little aside, if she is on the pill, that can affect her libido, and KY isn't the greatest stuff in the world -- Go to a sex shop or ask your pharmacists for something better -- even baby oil is better...
Helpful? I know I threw a lot of stuff at you. Write if you have questions

Answer 7

1st of all relax.. it's absolutely normal that you will be more active considering your prior experience.. if you are attracted to this woman you should think of alternative ways to make yourself attractive to her. being her first may make her somewhat shy to ask or say some things that wouldn't know how to approach you. have you tried not asking or not starting anything for a couple of weeks. sometimes providing space helps while discussing it all the time makes the problem even greater. you could also focus on the atmosphere and the place or time you try to have sex.. i think the best way to go about it is when sitting together just hold her hand or be gentle and carrying without implying anything sexual.. this could take some time and be difficult for you but you made up your mind about marrying her so i think she deserves the effort...

Answer 8

Sounds like a low sex drive. Could be hormonal or she is stressed or going through a lot. Has she recently had a child? Happens ofter after that too. Tell her to talk to her doctor if it is something she wants to get corrected.

If not could be she doesn't like sex with you but that may be because you are doing something different. Are having relationship problems? Does she think your cheating? This could be a big turn off for women. Plus if you are hounding her each day for sex.

Talk with each other you can figure this out.

Answer 9

Put sex on the family schedule. My wife and I have it on there still, although the last month and a half things have been spontaneous. Sometimes it's not so much that she doesn't want it, as she just doesn't think about wanting it. Women aren't like men, it doesn't build up over time into a need. If they aren't thinking about it, it doesn't cross their mind. But if you put it on the family schedule, every Thursday and Saturday or whatever, and make it a priority, then you know it's coming and can prepare, and you don't have to go without it.

Answer 10

I think it's normal. I have an extremely low sex drive (I'm 28 and married). I used to love sex but then it got painful and it's never been the same. I'm so afraid of it hurting that I never want to do anymore - I'll do everything but the intercourse. My husband has been great about it, but I know he wants to be able to be intimate with me. It's not easy but having a patient partner really helps. I agree with Seti who said she'd rather eat a bag of chips and read a good book - it's true. Sex is boring to me too and I don't enjoy it. Not everyone does.