Am I doing something wrong ? (3)?

Question

Continued from Am I doing something wrong ? (2). I was helping my in-laws move house and organizing their personal effects was a nightmare. Their house was a dump(both inside and out), stuff everywhere, there personal finances were in shambles. They had tons of unopened envelopes - I found a cheque for $2000 which was over 2 years old. The mortgage rate they were paying was 12% and they were in so much debt, I wanted to cry. I helped them sort everything out. My wife (she was my girfriend at the time) cried when her parents bought their current dwelling, saying she was finally proud to call it home. I beileve that the experience of living in such a situation, might have inculcate this "lifestyle".
I feel that maybe I have done something wrong in my life to deserve to be treated like this. Thank you to everyone for reading and for your words. Maybe the problem exists within myself, not in my wife. I love her too much, she is the reason for my existence. I don't know what else to say.

Answer 1

ok, first of all, stop blaming Yourself for something u haven't even done!!! you seem like an EXTREMELY caring, wonderful, compassionate person who, instead of putting blame on others, pile it on yourself (example "I feel I have done something wrong in MY life to deserve this)... instead of seeing the problem for what it is (your wife's inability to contribute to the marriage), you continue to blame yourself. that is not healthy nor positive.

next, you need to find some way to change this problem..which obviously will affect EACH and EVERY single situation in ur future.. it's not just "she's lazy". the problem then branches out to everything else, and creates more burdens for you! that does NOT sound like a RELATIONSHIP, which requires 2 people. if u can, try to go to counseling..she sounds kind of mean, uptight, controlling, and lazy... which is probably not a Dream Wife. =T

i suggest looking at the positives first: you LOVE her. she should be thankful for that. your family, her family are all on your side. u can pinpoint the problem stems from her Lack of discipline from childhood. so ur not exactly lost on what the PROBLEM is, but the Solution. if u have time, please take a look at the article i pasted below.. it's interesting and is regarding behavior modification... pretty much it seems to me your wife THRIVES on attention..whether positive or negative, regarding Control. and so, she indirectly loves pushing buttons, even though she seems exasperated.. (think about it.. if u dont like it when people "bug" you, wouldn't u try to appease them? instead, she will continue yelling at her parents until they "f*ck off") .. if she doesn't agree w/ going to a therapist, i think u should try something like this article says, which is to ignore her. give her praise for Anything POSITIVE she does, and don't pay any attention to other things. if u clean, don't say a word. if u cook, don't say a word, but don't beg her to do anything, just let it lie.

i don't know if u are religious at all, but if u have time also take a look at Romans 5-8. it really helped me realize the importance of LIFE, LOVE and HAPPINESS~ u can forgive yourself from past mistakes, because Jesus came and took them away. He doesn't punish or blame u anymore, so why do you continuously blame urself? just work hard for the FUTURE, be positive always, learn from the past and continue to grow and become stronger as a person. u sound like u are doing a GREAT job so far.. keep it up, and don't lose hope for urself. perhaps u've fallen in love with her so you can Help her change, obviously her parents couldn'lt help her.

good luck, i hope this helps you..... sounds like u have a HUGE problem!! :(.. take care always, best wishes to you!

Answer 2

There is nothing wrong with you other than lack of self-esteem, and possibly not having gone out with enough women before you married. You sound like a classic enabler, someone who does not have the best self-esteem in the world, and who tacitly encourages bad and negative behavior in others. It's dysfunctional and always winds up toxic.

No, you did nothing to deserve this. You are the good guy here. You helped your parents-in-law, and you have empathy and compassion, plus a little bit of healthy disgust, at their lifestyle. It's normal. That your wife comes from this background does tell a lot about her, but ultimately, you have to get over your childhood and deal with stuff, not wallow in victimhood. It's up to her and her parents to get their lives together, and by lives I mean their interior, emotional lives as well as their household and their responsibilities.

Your wife is not the reason for your existence, and statements like this are co-dependent. If she were not there, you would still live, and you would have a good life. I'd suggest once again, like I answered on your other question, that you read books on co-dependence and learn how to separate a little bit more in a healthy way.

Good luck. Cheers, K

Answer 3

Wow, I had to read all 3 questions to understand it all. I have heard your story before - frankly my husband sound just like you.

His first wife pretty much bossed him around, did not respect him and belittled him when ever possible. He did all the chores and bent over backwards to please her and she still was never happy. She left him for a new man who bosses her around and she seems happier.

My husband spent a lot of time working out this problem so it would not repeat itself in the second marriage. Mostly, putting boundary's in your relationship. If he had made these changes when he was married the first time his wife would have not lost respect for him and left him.

You need to sit her down and tell her that you were wrong with way you are handling the marriage and there will be changes. From now on you will expect her to participate in the marriage by helping, with chores.

You should tell her that you know it will be difficult for her and she can start out slow and you can help her by making list . Eventually with your guidance the two of you can become a team. Just be firm with her but not a monster. Have daily meetings to see how its working.

Answer 4

Wow! You seem like a really great husband. I hope that she treats you well.

I don't think that you are not asking the correct question because it sounds as though you are doing everything that you can for your wife and her family. I think that you could benefit from discussing your frustrations with a counselor or therapist.

Try www.NetworkTherapy.com. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

YOU SOUND LIKE A GREAT PERSON AND HUSBAND...... GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT SO KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND THINK POSTIVE