My married sex life has been bad for too long, what can I do?

Question

I am 32 years old, I married a wonderful girl 7 years ago. I have 2 incredible kids. I get along fine with my wife, she is beautiful and kind. The issue is that there has NEVER been a good sex life. I could even dare to say that there is absolutely NO sex life. Its like if I'm living with my best friend. We've tried counseling, but she just isn't interested. She doesn't have any physical problems or previous bad experiences. She just doesn't seem to like sex at all, and she doesn't want to try anything. When she "lets" me have sex, she doesn't participate at all, and I end up feeling guilty because she's doing something she doesn't really want to. The really bad thing is that I don't look forward to being intimate with her anymore. I have real trouble getting turned on by her, and to make things worse she insists on having a third child. What can I do?

Answer 1

Sad, I didn't really have bad experiences myself, but my mother, God bless her, made sex sound really bad. I had issues for years. I'm 34. I still don't find sex to be the most appealing thing to do, but I have learned with my husband's patience that it's not about just Bam Bam thank you Ma'am. I know it is just as much emotional, if not more so. We don't fight as much, we aren't as grumpy, as long as we have sex regularly. We even sleep better. Has she ever truly orgasmed? That may be her problem. She may need to see a doctor or sex therapist. If she hasn't ever experienced an orgasm, then of course she's going to hate it. If that's not the issue, then maybe it's deeper, something that she really doesn't want to share with you, which would be sad. I don't want to sound mean, but she's not holding up her end of the bargain. Marriage is give and take. Marriage is hard enough. She needs someone to tell her that she's messing up.

Answer 2

Did you have a good sex life before you married her? 2 kids puts a real damper on sex life especially for women. You can't start with fixing the sex. You have to start by 'romancing' her. Make her feel like you really care about her, what she does, all she does for the kids, etc. Bring her some flowers home or something like that occasionally. Make her dinner and take the kids off her one night. I know you guys probably think it's unfair that you work and the women still wants you to deal with the kids sometimes. Jan I will go back to school full-time but for the last year I have been a stay at home mom of 4. Nothing gets my goat more then my husband saying "if I didn't work..." Our youngest is 8 mths. I NEVER get a day off, I NEVER get a full nights sleep, even when the baby spends the night at the sitter I STILL wake up in the middle of the night because that's what I do everynight - only diff is I don't have to get the bottle that time. See where I'm coming from? My husband brought me home a bottle of Diet Mt Dew one day without me asking for it - I couldn't believe he did something that thoughtful for me (even though it was a 99 cent bottle of soft drink) but point was He knows I like it, he noticed I was out of it and he brought me some more. He definatley 'got some' that night. Little stuff like that will work miracles. My husband and I have 4 kids and still have a great sex life (several times a week) I'm 34 he's 32 Women usually need to feel it emotionally to get in the mood (sometimes I'm just plain horny), 4 guys it's just a physical thing. Hope this helps! definatley dont have the 3rd kid til you fix this!!

Answer 3

I'd say this is a no-brainer. She wants to have another kid, that's a good thing. Kids are great. But tell her the truth: you're reluctant to have more children because you're afraid that it will have a negative impact on your sex life, and you don't think your sex life can take it. If she protests, simply say that if the two children you have are such a burden that the sex life suffers this much, you're not willing to do something that could completely eliminate it. If she protests that the children aren't the problem, then counter that more children certainly isn't the solution, and ask her what the solution is. Tell her you didn't get married to feel like a rapist or to be celibate. Right now, those are the choices you're faced with, and another child will just make it worse. Then you've clearly laid out your position, and the ball is in her court.

Now, you have to be prepared for an honest answer. She might tell you that the solution is for you to start taking her out on dates, for you to start giving her flowers, for you to start paying attention to her, etc. Great, you've been given the solution, you have to put it into action.

Answer 4

Contrary to someone else's response, you can have an intimate relationship with your wife without the sexual aspects of it. However, it does make things rather dull. Remember as her husband, you are supposed to be her best friend, that part of the deal of marriage. However, you are supposed to be her lover as well (man, I do feel sorry for you dude).

It would not be advisable to have another child. It sounds like she's directing a great deal of her emotions toward the children and not you (this is what I took from your comment).

Don't be a rat and cheat on her! Ask for you both to get some counseling (think about it, you may not be doing things right). Ask her to see a medical Dr. to find out if there's something physically wrong.

Worst case, ask her to let you "do it" while she's asleep. At least the frequency could go up. You can do exactly what pleases you and you would not be cheating on her. Sounds crummy but if all else fails...

Answer 5

This is just way too common. Here is the deal. She may change her mind and then you may have a chance to address this. But right now she does not see this as a problem and she will not try to change this. Do not have anymore kids with her. When two children are out of the house you then can spring the new rules on her. We either work on this or I am gone. I am in this exact situation. We truely are happy togther except for this issue. She does not think it is such a big deal even though I have told her it is. In about 8 years she will find out how big a deal it is. In the meantime my kids have a happy stable home. My wife will be shocked when the time comes and I will remind her of all the times I pleaded with her to work on this.

Way too many women do not understand this. For many this is why they end up with infidelity and then wonder why it happened.

Answer 6

Why would she want more children?She must think that all is well in her life.You need to tell her exactly how you are feeling.Than rent you a movie(x-rated) and show her what really suppose to happen between a man and a woman.Sounds like she uses sex as a tool, not the way to go.If you give it your all every time, she will come around.Ask her exactly what she likes, have you?A woman has a hard time reaching it if the partner is in a hurry..Give it a try, but if you're tired of this life, give her an ultimatum.......

Answer 7

I REALLY do not think having a third child right now would be a good idea until you all reach some sort of understanding about this issue. Is it possible that she is asexual? or just exhausted from taking care of 2 kids? How was your sex life before kids? Have you all seen a sex therapist? Have her hormone levels been checked? Please go seek some professional help for this, the number two reason for divorce is sexual issues.

Answer 8

Time to leave, she isn't even trying and find someone and test them first no faking it and enjoy your life. She is a cold fish and no man should have to live with a woman that only lets him because she thinks that's goes with married. Go out and find some that is hot to trot and there or nice ones there, but gotta look first. I don't know how a woman can be so cold just her wifely duty. Check her out and check a new one in, for get all this therapist stuff, she will never Change , don't stay and ruin your life

Answer 9

If your wife does not have any psychological reasoning behind her low sex drive, perhaps it is physical. You mentioned you have two kids, does she work also? Your wife may be feeling physically exhausted. Perhaps you can take a day off work, find a sitter for the kids, cook and clean the house for her. She may not feel so exhausted after that and may be so thankful she just might give you some. Seriously though, your wife may just be feeling tired and needs a break. Think about it, it's worth a try, right? Good luck!!!

Answer 10

Wow, Smart Alex, you are sooooo smart. Did the dude not just say his wife won't do that?

How does it make sense that your wife doesn't like sex but DOES want a third child, in fact insists on it? If she figures out a way to have a child without having sex let me know.

Couples do lots of things for each other- do you do non sexual things for her that you don't particularly like that she needs? Remember that when you are having sex. Finally, it's called ACTING! Can she act like she likes it? Sheesh.