I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 yrs., but we keep running into the same problems without any resolution. We have had many resolved issues, but when it comes to family and our future, the arguements turn very heated. He doesn't seem to complain about anything with me, but I have problems with his family and the fact that he hasn't proposed and refuses to talk about it. For example, if his family wants him to do something, he drops plans with me. (I am rarely included in any family gatherings). He doesn't want to upset them, but doesn't seem to mind upsetting me. His family lives 30 miles away and we just live a block within each other. He says he spends more time with me, so when they want him to spend time with them, it is justified.
Then there comes the issue of marriage. After three years, you should at least be able to have a conversation about this topic, right? Am I just spinning my wheels or can we come to some sort of agreement of these issues?
2006-11-21 05:55:19 · 10 answers · asked by stacey h 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
As a big broad statement, he's immature. That he would drop plans with you to be with him means you are second in his priorities, and a mature, committed man just doesn't do that, hon. Secondly, though marriage isn't really necessary in today's world if you have no possessions, it IS important in issues with children, life insurance property ownership, inheritance, and to legitimize your children. If you were both 40 or 50, and had had a marriage and children already, paper isn't really necessary. (But what marriage does say is that you have announced to the community and the state that this is a committed relationship of love and support.)
If a traditional household, marriage, and children are important to you, yup, I'd guess by now that issue should have been resolved. If it is not, and you don't mind being number two to his family, then you have no reason to leave.
What would bug me is not being part of his family...... that would be the grinder.....And you have to ask why. From you note, you appear to be more of a convenience to him than anything else, and only you know if that is an acceptable status.....
2006-11-21 06:16:41 · answer #1 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
:) this is what my pastor told me, and he is very hip and happenin, not like old fashioned or anything ok?
he said after 1 year and 1/2 into a serious relationship, u should KNOW if u want to marry each other. if either party is unsure, u should break up... so that u can let each other find someone else "better", *as well as* prevent future heartache and long term relationship that goes NOWHERE.. u end up spending 3 years together and feeling it's a waste if u dont' get married right?
also, he thinks it's a woman's job to "force" a man to get married.. of course if it was up to him, he would probably prolong it as long as possible. a woman's job is to say Marry me, or i'm gone. and then the guy will have to decide if u'r worth going after or not. and that helps u figure out if he truly has real feelings for u, or if indeed u are just "spinning ur wheels". even he said that if her mother didn't "force" him to say he was gonna marry her, he probably would've used and abused her, cuz he's a typical guy who was kinda immature, etc. now he is SO GLAD of course (his wife is soo pretty! and their children are so cute!)... but even he had cold feet the night of the wedding.. so it's more natural for the woman to be sure of the relationship, and natural for the man to wonder if he needs to keep dating around. so u need to help him make a decision about you...left up to his design, u'd probably be in the same position or worse, in the next few years!! then u'll REALLY be upset..and that sucks for u.
good luck!! and be strong... u Love him and want to marry him right?? he should be HONORED and Appreciate that he has someone like u. if he's not, u can find someone who will. and it's not about forcing someone, it's about telling them ur not going to wait around forever, 3 years is way over the limit!!
2006-11-21 06:05:50 · answer #2 · answered by sasmallworld 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Things aren't going to change - he has a steady supply of sex (you) and no responsibilities (like kids or a marriage) from his point of view, its a great life. Even if you threaten to leave if he doesn't marry you - and then he does, you will have started things off on a very bad footing and he will still want to spend time with his family and leave (and the kids) by yourself....Read the tea leaves and get out now.... Sorry
2006-11-21 06:41:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My now-Fiance' would not talk about being engaged/married & I realized that is something that I wanted out of our relationship. So, when I laid it on the line that engagement was either a possibility in the next year or so or not & he said he did not know, I cut him off...no talking (except for about money, moving, etc).
We did not speak for awhile (we live together mind you, but we avoided eachother) & I took steps towards getting myself together again as a single woman. About a week went by & he realized that he was taking me for granted & he proposed about a month later. Things have been AMAZING since. He didnt know what it was like to lose me until I walked away. But you must stick with your guns & in the meanwhile read "Its Called A Break-up BC Its Broken." by Greg Behrendt...great read!
2006-11-21 06:22:53 · answer #4 · answered by Kirsten S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My hubby and I did that for a while, but then finally he came to his senses and realized that I was right. It took a long time though, and in the mean time everyone, even his own parents were telling me to leave him. Now we're happier than ever, it just took time. We dated for 2 1/2 years before I set a deadline (in my head, I never told him) and i thought if he doesn't propose by this day, I'm gone. Guess what.... he proposed on that exact day. Go figure!!!! You know in your heart if it's right, I know you do. Only you can tell yourself if it's worth it to continue on waiting. But don't miss out on your possible happiness to stay in a dead end relationship.
2006-11-21 06:21:54 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
if family is a priority now, they will be in the future, whatever problems u have now will get worse if u marry him. as for the marriage, 3 years is a long time to be with a guy and not even discuss marriage, think your getting resentful, every woman wants to feel loved, and know someone wants her, do maybe u should confront him, but know that he could walk out on u too. but it needs to be addressed.
2006-11-21 12:41:10 · answer #6 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
3 years is long enough to go without discussing marriage. You can keep trying to talk, but at some point, talk needs action. Maybe you're just not compatible on these issues and should break up
2006-11-21 05:58:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he's not ready for marriage, then there's no point in continuing to bring it up. Both parties should WANT to get married.
If you don't have the same wants and goals, then maybe he's not the right man for you.
2006-11-21 06:02:26 · answer #8 · answered by Royalhinney 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Running from a problem dont solve it stick around and fight it out,words is wind and blow is unkind, stick to the evil that you know,the one may be worse,
2006-11-21 05:59:45 · answer #9 · answered by Archie Kings 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sit him down and get to the bottom of it.
2006-11-21 05:59:14 · answer #10 · answered by LittleLady 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋