We are both over 45, professional and well-educated, and met last year. It was love at first sight (I know that sounds stupid), maybe even love over the phone. After about two months he moved in with me and we have been together ever since. We plan to marry when his divorce is final. My family loves him, his family hates me--even though they are all old enough to have their own lives and are college grads. His life up to last year was without TLC and there was no intimacy at all, much less loving and affection. We don't want happiness built on the sorrow of others, but don't we deserve a chance to be happy as well?
2006-11-21 05:01:59 · 22 answers · asked by hot_italian_empress 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Have been reading your postings and appreciate all answers, whether you agree with my actions or not. I should say that we adore each other, and at this stage of our lives who knows how many days are left? This has been the best year is so many ways, even with all the stress of the situation, and we live every day wondering how this relationship, this love, can be so different than anything either of us has ever experienced. We are each other's best friend, confidant, true love. Whether you agree with how it started---we didn't look for it, mind you--it just happened---we hope to make the rest of our lives worthwhile and happy, while meeting our obligations to those we committed to in the "previous life". I would never expect him to abandon his family--or even his soon-to-be ex. I just want some peace, eventually, to create a decent life together.
2006-11-21 06:30:00 · update #1
Of course you deserve happiness. I don't think it's wrong to love him, but two things (his status and his family's resentments) need to be addressed for you to be happy. He isn't free to marry you and having that restriction, whether you want to get married right away or not, isn't right and isn't ever going to feel right. Each of his family members have their own perspective and the only thing that will help is time.Their sorrow is something they'll have to address. You and your partner can't heal it for them. Ideally they will eventually be grateful that he's happy and they will accept you. But for the diehards who hold grudges for a long time or forever, there won't be a thing you can do. You can only control how you feel, and they can't 'make' you feel guilty. So go for it...be happy! p.s. wow I just read the other posts and you are being crucified! I agree that divorce is crucial. But calling you nasty names and predicting that your future is dismal...those are heavy judgements. We don't know all the facts and we don't know you or your partner, and being nasty doesn't help anyone, any time.
2006-11-21 06:22:39 · answer #1 · answered by Essmi d 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, everyone does, only you started out the wrong way. He should have gotten divorced first before the move in and relationship which could have been friends until become final. Because of this start things won't ever tend to go well, so be prepared. Having dealt with that type of situation on my ex behalf what's being said is factual from what's been happening for a year & a half now. There's been nothing but drama since he went out and did what your other half did by moving in with another half his age female after 31 yrs. Things are going ok on my end if he would stop starting drama with our kids because he claims he wants to be back with them. So, be careful and try to be happy if that's possible.
2006-11-21 05:24:42 · answer #2 · answered by msthinkpositive 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Think about it in a practical manner. If he's financially broke and does not want to have a kid, he's just trying to protect you and the unborn child from financial insecurity & instability. Since he's down financially you will end up supporting the family and that can get very stressful for a new mother. You dont need to bring a baby into this world with stress around. You're just 24 yrs and you can wait for another year or two to start your family. But before that make sure you both are emotionally, mentally and financially prepared for the new member. Dont think a baby will suddenly make your husband mature, it will only strain your relationship further. Patience and preserverance pays in the long run.
2016-05-22 07:47:40 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wrong? Whew. You got involved with a married man - are you hoping that total strangers will give you some kind of "it's okay" pass? Sorry, but you did ask.
For the rest -- of course his family hates you. What did you expect? You decided to go ahead anyway, so you did. Now you live the outcome of your choice. In time (lots and lots of time), his family may thaw, if you're still married, still in love, and he's happy - or they may not.
See, it's not like he got a divorce, met you, THEN got involved (which still might take time for everyone to get used to), or met you but held off until he got a divorce. You guys decided you just couldn't wait, although he wasn't free, and his family may take a long time to forget that. What did you expect?
There's no magic chant that can make the choice you made into a different choice. You chose to start the relationship this way, and his family isn't happy, which is understandable. Give them enough time (lots of time) and they (may) come around.
2006-11-21 05:21:27 · answer #4 · answered by peculiarpup 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Love is unpredictible. The truth is you'll never know what could have happened, would have happend or should have happened. You can't predict what his family would have thought whether he met you while he was still unhappily married or after a divorce. You both took a chance. Period. Come of it what may. But best of luck to you because you do deserve to be happy. How you create your own happiness is up to you.
2006-11-21 05:41:54 · answer #5 · answered by bsmart 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's cheating on his current wife and he will leave you at some point, cheat on you or both. You have the nerve to say you're educated and yet are stupid enough to be living with a married man? You really expect a long term relationship with this guy?
Hold your breath, when you feel that lump on your head, it will be the result of you passing out and hitting your head against something. When you feel the pain remember it. It will be the same feeling when you get left in the cold.
You are an adulterous person and aren't as smart as you think.
2006-11-21 05:18:24 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Everyone deserves a chance to be happy like everyone has the right to swing their arms, but if when you are swinging your arms, you hit me, that is when the problem comes in. Yes, everyone has the right to happiness, but it should also be in a respectful and honest way. One should never, and I do mean never start a relationship based on dishonesty, because you are starting a pattern in your life that will probably be repeated throughout.
I would have waited for a finalized divorce before I even got entangled in the affairs of marriage. I would not get involved with someone who is in a committed relationship with anyone, period. It is bad Karma, you have heard it before. "What goes around, comes around."
2006-11-21 05:16:48 · answer #7 · answered by sweetie pie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes you do, but do it in the right way. You are not helping the outcome of his divorce, and if there are children on is part thats even worse. Your old enough to know the pitfalls, don't make anymore for yourselves right now. There is no committment for you at this time, and relationships take time. He certainly was in love when he got married initially wasn't he? Look a couple of years down the road before you make another mistake! Then sit down and convince yourself again you are both in Love. Love is not just physical! Its a mental state of mind, unfortunately many of us are phychologically imparied when it comes to those things. Look for a good solid foundation, not one made of sand, which you are on now. Good Luck!
2006-11-21 05:12:25 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't be with this man until the divorce is final and you can see the paperwork. He is going to do the same to you if you ever split? I think there is a right way to go about this and being with another women's spouse isn't the right way. It doesn't matter what the situation is he is still legally married. You can be with him after the divorce is final if that is what you want to do but why now while he is still married?
2006-11-21 05:16:33 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Here's the thing:
Of course you deserve to be happy. It's not "wrong" to love this man.
But, you've got to let his family have their feelings. And the best thing you can do is to try to rise above it. They may be mad at you, they may be mad at him... and for a l-o-n-g time. Realize that.
The other caution I would give you is this: After his divorce is final, please wait until getting married. Perhaps a year.
I know you're in love and you want to marry him-- but he's never been on his own... and he needs a little space to see what that feels like.
Good luck to you. It's not a fun position to be in. My husband's adult children have never warmed up to me. And I was not involved with him when he and his ex divorced. Holidays are always ... fun. :) I try not to take it personally, They don't really know me. Just try to be the best person you can be.
2006-11-21 05:20:59 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋