I seriously need a man's opinion!?

Question

Is it okay for a married man to be friends with a girl 12 yrs younger than he is and not tell his wife when he sees her? Especially after he's been caught lying about his whereabouts and hasn't made ANY effort to apologize for lying or attempt make it up to his wife? And why do men become so cruel and use the excuse that his wife's become a b*&@h which is why he's friends with this girl and he wants a separation to 're-evaluate' things but then without ANY explanation switches back to everyday living like nothing's ever happened, being the loving, attentive husband expecting the hurt and pain to disappear without dealing with any issues?

I agree I'm being played. My husband is 36, this 'friend' is 24. He began simply talking on his cell phone and hiding it. (no biggy) I've never been a jealous wife because he'd never given me reason to worry. Even after intercepting harmless text messages a year later saying hello didn't bug me. I didn't even bring it up untill he tried lying about a voicemail she left him that I intercepted 4-6 months later.
With him STILL trying to go back to everday life without trying to deal with it all I put a mobile locator in his truck (he drives all day) for my own piece of mind, and for 3-4 months he was honest and I removed it feeling better. After 4-5 months of things being great..receiving flowers, lots of affection, etc., I put it back in his truck to find him at her apartment for 2 hours in the early morning before work.

Answer 1

Indecision causes many people many problems.Dissatisfaction leads people astray.Immaturity causes some to never grow up.Selfishness makes men the biggest babies. Choose your answer!

Answer 2

There are a lot of variables here. He lied about his whereabouts? OK, how was the lie? I once didn't tell my wife I stopped for gas on the way home from work, was that lieing about my whereabouts? How about if I thought the gas attendant was kinda cute? One time while my wife was at a party, I went over to my cousin's house and watched TV. Didn't tell my wife, she just thought I went out for dinner. Was that lieing about my whereabouts? OK, so later she asked and I told her, I wasn't hiding it, I just didn't think to tell her. If I had maliciously told her I went out to dinner when I actually went to my cousin's, would that be so bad? I mean, I went and ate first, then my cousin's. Or was he lying about his whereabouts and out with another girl? Or do you know? How do you know he lied? I once suprised my wife by allowing her to believe I wouldn't be able to visit her at her summer job a three hour drive away until Saturday, then showed up Thursday. Was that lying about my whereabouts? Very very vague. Without more details about what happened, I can't make a distinction.

Also, what is the nature of his friendship? How old is her, and how young is 12 years younger. I'm 28 and I teach Kung Fu. One of my more senior students is a girl, who happens to be about 16 years younger than me. That means she's 12. Does my wife get jealous? Heck no! What in the world does she have to be jealous over a 12 year old for? Now, in 10 years, I'll be 38 and she'll be 22. But she'll still be my student, which will mean we're friends, but what do you expect? Am I going to cut her off at 18 and say, "Nope, you're an adult, I could be attracted to you, sorry, can't teach you"? Of course not.

It sounds like you and your husband need a mediator, someone you can both trust to listen to both sides of your problems and give you a solution. Someone who knows both of you and knows how you interact with each other. Someone who can be there to ask clarifying questions when these kinds of things come up and hear both sides at the same time.

Answer 3

No it's not right.

Men probably use that excuse for the same reason women do. (Are you getting the idea this isn't a gender issue, but a character issue? I hope you are.)

People use these sorts of ploys to gain sympathy. It's manipulation, pure and simple.

If you are this girl, 12 years younger, then why are you hanging out with a married man? If this is you, you are on the same level of character as he is, no better, no worse, as long as you are with him.

Want to move up?

Leave the married man to his own devices and advise him to put this energy into his marriage and maybe his wife wouldn't treat him like the dog he is.

If this younger girl is a friend of yours, pass my message along to her.

Answer 4

If he is cheating on you, what's to say he isn't cheating, or going to cheat on her? I have tried to forgive people in my past, but almost always found them to repeat. With this I have cut my loses and removed myself from the situation. Feel strong for yourself and consider the events. Is there an opening in the relationship for this behavior. Either you condone it or you you don't. I know if I am not treated correctly, I know I am better than that person deserves and cease the problem by disappearing from it permantly. The choice is yours, but think it over carefully, because whatever you chose is correct to do stay strong with that dicision. Best wishes and good luck.

Answer 5

It's not ok. You need to put your foot down about it and if he doesn't cooperate, you may have to walk away. He's stringing both of you along until he decides what he wants or until he can get the best of both worlds. Shut him down. He will probably come back begging to stay and on YOUR terms.

Also, check out www.shirleyglass.com . She wrote a book called, "Not Just a Friend" and has useful info. www.drphil.com also has lots of relationship articles. Click at the top of the page for advice.

Good luck. You may be in for a long journey and he will continue to play this until you put a stop to it.

Answer 6

First of all no it's not ok for a married man to befriend a woman, whether or not she is 12 years younger or 2 months younger. Same goes for women. This is his excuse, and it's a very poor one at best. Tell him to go back to his wife and stay there, or just divorce her. And he also needs to be told to grow the hell up.

Answer 7

Kathy,

Make up your mind... do you want him or not.

If you want him then let go of the past, and get on with living together. If he is loving and attentative, that's a good thing. You should respond in kind and be loving and attentive.

If you can't live together, because of all that has happened, then go your separate ways. The past can't be an issue, because there is nothing that can be done about the past.

Answer 8

It ain't OK. Don't put up with this cr@p anymore.

Believe it or not, he might not actually have done anything with her and he might never. He might just simply want to feel like she is attracted to him.
Seriously.
That, of course, doesn't make it right.
People love to fantasize about flings like this because they don't have fighting with the kids, mortgage payments, broken washing machines etc.

Answer 9

I agree with the 1st poster....


I had a great friend that was about 15 years older than me that I worked with and we would hang out on our off days- go to the mall- go eat or whatever but his wife thought he was doing his side job. To the point- he kissed me one day and told me that he loved me. We never had sex because I was married too (my hubby knew about us hanging out) but he tried kissing me several more times after that.

Answer 10

you husband should always be honest with you .if he is not telling when he sees this girl what else is he not telling you,if a guy tells people his wife is a ***** to use as a excuse he must be a jackass and someone one should fill his wife in.