I gave the ring back....was I right?

Question

I've been engaged for one year and one month. I must have asked him six times "when's the date"? It came out during the weekend that he already chose a date. He chose it after the fourth time I asked him, but I was never told. When I asked the fifth and sixth times, I was asked "why are you in such a rush?"

You might ask me why did I ask so many times? First, if I had gotten an answer the first time, I wouldn't have had to ask five more times, and secondly, I do believe I was to be one of the people to get married so that pretty much gave me the right to know. Once I heard him say he already picked the date, I lost it, people!!! I gave the ring back...was I right?

His side of the story is he wanted to surprise me and it's not like he did it nicely. He made me feel horrible; like I was begging and like I wasn't good enough for him. If he even said "give me until the end of the year to decide, I would have gave him that. I wasn't ready to get married this year anyway.

Answer 1

You did right..
He was not treating you fairly...

Answer 2

You did the right thing. The way he was treating you, the lack of his open communication and the way you were feeling, none of this bodes well for a future relationship. Where inadvertently he did you a favor, was to question what is the rush. Turns out that his lack of shared enthusiasm and controlling nature, allowed you a better understanding of how he is. Now that the wedding is off and he can't take the relationship for granted, it will be interesting to see he returns to the pursuit. Maybe now he'll be ready to be a true partner. You can always take the ring back again if you want, but once married, taking it off usually brings a lot of negatives. So, well done and enjoy life. You'll know when you meet the right guy and it really feels right.

and Jessica, "get educated" how condescending is that? I'm afraid it may be you that needs a little education, where we don't need a proverb to understand the golden rule.

Answer 3

What I don't understand is why HE was supposed to pick the date. Why didn't you sit down with a calendar and pick it together? Or, if you wanted to know and have some certainty, why didn't YOU suggest a date? Why is it all on him?

So no, I'm not sure you did the right thing here. I think the two of you obviously had some issues before this happened that needed to be worked out but you're kind of making yourself the victim without taking any responsibility for your actions.

I'm glad you two are no longer engaged because I'm not sure it would have worked out given the present circumstances and the state of your relationship, but I also think you need to look at your part in this whole thing as well as his. Maybe you can work on things together and get back together. Or not, it's up to you.

I think this is an odd situation and it illustrates how a very small issue can be blown out of proportion and ends up in a break up when people don't communicate with each other. You two were "talking" but you weren't communicating. You didn't really express to him your needs and he didn't express to you why he hadn't picked a date yet, like what was really behind his actions (or lack of action).

Answer 4

It is okay for the guy to control the engagement date, because he has to ask you to marry him, but once you are engaged, it should be the two of you agreeing on a date for the wedding. He can not and should not be able to just pick a date and let you know when he feels like it. I know I sound sexist when I say this, but the woman has so much more to do when it comes to the wedding to make it just like she wants and it is supposed to be her big day. If he does not and can not understand that, I can assure you that will be the least of the problems down the road. You probably made a very wise decision in giving him his ring back. He is either a massive controller that wants to control the date of the wedding without any input from you or he is just using it as a delay tactic to keep putting it off. In either case, you are better off without him and moving on. Tell him to keep the ring and the mystery date he has picked out, because when you get married, you want to have input into the date, the wedding and everything involved, not have it all dictated to you...

Answer 5

If you know that your not ready to marry then obviously you made the right decision. Planning a marriage is done by both partners and as such you had every right to know when it was to occur. My fiance and I decided on most everything together but have to admit that she and her daughters are doing more then I am preparing for wedding next year. It should be a happy time when one is engaged and it certainly does not sound like it was in your case.

Answer 6

You are SO well rid of this guy, however much you might love him still. He was engaging in passive-aggressive hostility, which is always an emotional power play. You would have been divorced from him quickly, if this is his pattern.

I know; I was married to a man like this the first time, and unlike you, I felt like I begged and finally got a ring and a date. We went through with it, and were divorced within three years -- only because I was a poor grad student at the time, and was determined as hell to make it work. But his passive-aggressive hostility got in the way big time.

Good for you. You absolutely did the right thing. I had no idea when I was younger what passive-aggressive hostility was, but now I can spot it a mile away. Now you'll be able to as well.

I'm sorry for your loss, but you will find someone who is better, who doesn't play power games with emotions, who doesn't withhold, and who answers your questions straightforwardly the first time! And that's something everyone deserves. My husband now is wonderful, kind, caring, and without a passive-aggressive hostile bone in him. It makes a huge difference to be married to someone who is emotionally functional!

Good luck to you, and I'm proud of you.

Cheers, K -- been there, done that, divorced him and married another who was way better!

Answer 7

Y would he pick the date, y wouldn't u? I never really understood y the guy picks the date. But, no you were not wrong to give the ring back, sounds to me like he was playing some kind of mind or control game with you. If he is doing that now, what will he do when u r married to him? And yes, all he had to do was tell u that he wanted a certain length of time before he set a date. You r really lucky and blessed to have found out now what he is really like before u were living with him and married to him and then finding out. It's easy to break things off now, u need someone honest and upfront, not someone like him.

Answer 8

I think there's some deeper things here. He wanted to surprise you with what? A wedding? Every girl wants to be involved in the planning of her wedding. Yes you had a right to know. But possibly you did something so drastic because you aren't ready to be married. You shouldn't have had to beg, nor should the date be all of his decision. You both aren't communicating very well and things have a possibility of working back out, but you need to have a serious sit down so that you are both on the right track.

Answer 9

The two of you sound as if you have some communication issues if something like choosing the date became such a big deal. It's too bad, but i think you did the right thing. I think you are better off working on your relationship before you take that step.

Good luck!

Answer 10

For one thing, if you were not ready to get married this year then why were you making him believe that you were wanting to get married soon.You should have just went on with your every day life and just be happy knowing that when the day comes you will be getting married. But instead you kept hounding him and then when he decided to pick the date you turned around and got pissed at him and just called it off completely. The only thing that I can get out of this is that you truly did not want to be with him any more so instead of just telling him that the marriage plans are off like a responsible woman would do if she didn't want to get married, you fixed it to where everyone including himself would believe that he was the cause for the break-up.
That sounds very childish & cowardly to me.

Answer 11

Giving the ring back and ending it was the best idea if neither one of you was ready to get married. Usually, the man asks a woman to marry him, they announce their engagement to their family, and the couple, along with their families, choose a mutually convenient and suitable wedding day. I don't understand the notion of waiting for your man to pick a day and tell you??