if you were me?

Question

in this last year, my partner...who left his wife for me a year and a half ago after the marriage was failing (i did not get involved with him until he was certain the marriage was over) has hurt me over and over again...first he battled with stress and depression but i understood that and stuck with him...he then tried to leave the country because of debt problems, but told me he loved me so i got a loan to consolidate the debts...and i thought things were getting better but i recently found out a girl at his work was hitting on him and he was flirting back, i confronted him on it and we fought and he said he would stop but i dont know if im doing the right thing to stay after all the hurt, his divorce has not even went through and his old flat has not even been put on the amrket yet so he can get the money he is due from it. I love him but i don't know if im doing the right thing by staying. We live together and have quite a large loan to pay off. Please help!

Answer 1

It sounds to me (and I might be being spectacularly cynical here) that his 'trying to leave the country because of debt problems' and his 'stress and depression' might be tools that he has used in order to get the money he needed from you.

I know that's a mean thing to say, but it happened to a very good friend of mine, who was living with this guy who, at first, was all lovely and enthusiastic, but then went into a downward spiral regarding money - he lied over and over to the girl, who eventually took out a 10k loan to pay his debt off. What we later learned (and much to his detriment) is that he was a compulsive gambler who had run up the debt that way - he lied to her to get her money, and once his debt was paid off he fled without a word.

I'm not saying this is the case with you, but if you can try and get a feel for what he's done in his past. If it's the case that this is just the culmination of a lot of bad luck then you might be able to work things out - if not (or if there's any hint of foul play) then my advice is to get to the CAB and work out precisely where you stand with this loan and if you can immediately put in a claimon his unsold flat. No matter what, make sure you're well protected and ask yourself - how well do I really know him?

Answer 2

This sounds like a rebound thing for your partner,it sounds as if you are a convienence for him.
He has a place to sleep,a place for food and a place for sex,,even if there was problems,why would he leave when he has all this.
If his divorce isnt even finalised and he has already moved on and you have both moved in together,dont you think this is too soon?
You say he tried to leave the country due to debts,he hasnt put his flat on the market for extra money for you both,he's flirting with another woman,and you got the loan to consolidate HIS debts
how much more do you need to know to understand that this doesnt sound as if its going to go very far.
It may be wise for you to get this loan sorted out and put his name on the paper work so he is also paying his debts,and not you just paying his debts by yourself.
Do you trust him?
You dont sound as if you do..
If your questioning him,his decisions and your own judgement of him then maybe its time to move on BUT you must get this loan sorted out.
If you took the loan out in your name only then you will be the only 1 responsible for it,that is,unless you can prove he also has a responsibility in it,that maybe difficult so be very careful and do whats best for you,,not whats best for your partner.
You know,,you cant save some people,,some people have to hit rock bottom before they get the point so think before you make any decisions.
Good luck to you

Answer 3

You are in an unenviable situation, and well i guess others will have said to you by now that once a cheater, always a cheater and the long term fidelity of your partner is questionable.

You have to be cunning and form a short term and long term plan.
In the short term you need to get him to pay you back for the loan you took out for him so don't get to upset with him..

Once you have your money , I'm afraid you need to get rid of this chap pronto.. he'll do you no good and you ll just get hurt

Answer 4

I'm sorry you are having to learn so many things to hard way. You are dating someone that falls into the 'inappropriate category'--the guy is still married, heavily in debt, and has tons of other issues. Loyalty and trustworthiness doesn't appear to be his 'strong suits'. Get out while you still can. You seem to already regret borrowing money in your own name to bail him out, and just like he ducked out of his obligation to his wife, he is now forgetting to factor you into the equation. You will need to gain strength for the long journey ahead. Prepare the best you can and make an exit plan. Good LUck

Answer 5

Stay until the loan is payed off. It sounds cruel, but if it's in your name, if you two aren't together, he may just forget about it and say it's your problem.

Answer 6

Sounds like your being taken for a ride. This guy doesnt know what he wants for the best and if you let him he will just keep stringing you along till he's decided what he wants to do.

Answer 7

I'd get out if I were you, he sounds like high maintenance. You're gonna end up stressed out yourself and falling out big time!

Answer 8

He has proven that he is too emotionally unstable. He needs to stand or fall on his own.

Answer 9

HES SMART AND YOUR THICK AS PIG ****

Answer 10

TWO WORDS...
YOU
MUG