Hi i just turned 20 and have been married a year just about to my hubby who is 24 years old going on 25. We dated 5 months before getting engaged the 6 th month and married the next week in vegas. I am still in college and he wants to start a family wants our first child now!He has been hasseling me non stop about having kids.He also wants me to stay home with them and be a stay at home mom.There seems to be no comprimise with him . Recently i bumped into and old friend and we had lunch and i realized that i dont feel like myself when i am with my hubby. I thought the second thoughts i had before the wedding were cold feet now i am not so sure.?
2006-11-21 03:41:55 · 42 answers · asked by Carla M 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I feel confused because i want a career before i have kids and a chance to get out there and travel.My husband does not seem to understand this?
2006-11-21 03:44:06 · update #1
You should have thought about this, and talked about it before you got married. Now you need to compromise. He's told you what HE wants, now tell him what YOU want so that you both can work it out to get what you BOTH want.
2006-11-21 03:43:57 · answer #1 · answered by Justsyd 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Now seems to be the time you have given thought to your future after you've made a real commitment to another person. This is what most young people don't seem to get until the jump has been made. So, now you need to sit your husband down and relieve yourself of all the things that should have been said before the marriage so that you two can discuss what your directions & choices will be in the relationship. This will be the only way to make sure that what you want for your life in order to be happy still can be accomplished with or without his acceptance. If this is a problem for him then things should be worked out after everythings on the table. Wish you luck!
2006-11-21 04:06:34 · answer #2 · answered by msthinkpositive 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This sounds like stories I hear all the time. Okay so you realize that this is not what you want. He is not the person that you see yourself being with forever, right? You don't want children right now. You don't want to be a stay at home mom. You want to finish college. Do you want to be single again? Having children is a big step. I had my son when I was 20. He is now 9. I refused to get married just because I got pregnant. I cared about his father because we had been friends for a while but, I was not in love with him. Guess what, we did not stay together! He cheated on me my son was 3 months old. I am SO glad that we were not married. I was able to just walk away.
I think that you know that you don't want to be with him anymore. If you are this unhappy now, how do you think you're going to feel when you have a baby, quit college, give up on your dreams, stay home all the time while he does what he wants to ( NO COMPROMISE)? My advice to you is, GET OUT NOW!!!! Before it's to late. You have alot of life ahead of you. You have goals and dreams that don't include a baby. It's okay not to want children now or ever. You are the person that has to carry and deliver not him so, It is totally your right to say NO.
I moved on after my son's father. I am now with my soul mate! Together we have two nine year olds. I am really thankful that I didn't stay in my situation just because, some people( family & friends) thought it was the right thing to do!
I hope that you will think about what is best for you and what you want out of life. Don't give up on your dreams!
If you stay you will have more than "cold feet", you will frozen feet and a bad attitude!!!!!!!
2006-11-21 04:10:02 · answer #3 · answered by KJ 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am in a similar situation as you are. (I even got married in Vegas). Unfortunately I am looking for advice aswell. But, all I can tell you, and please listen to my advice is, don't give in to him. Your soul needs to grow and experience fullfillment. Have a career, be independent. There is nothing nicer than being independent and knowing that you do not need anyone to support you. If you have kids now, you will be missing out on a lot of things. You never even had the chance to go to the bar and have fun with your girlfriends! Do not get another life involved in this, it's hard enough to deal with a situation like this when two people are in. Get an education first and go out and own the world! Down the road you will be a better parent because you will be more mature and ready. If he cannot accept this, perhaps you guys should reavluate your relationship. Talk to him, if he can't understand, move on.
2006-11-21 03:57:27 · answer #4 · answered by tscheggl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, I do think this was a mistake. I'm not judging you though! We all make mistakes, and at some point in our lives we all make huge ones. We all learn from them. I don't think 5 months is long enough to know who someone really is...you just scratch the surface! In fact, I've always had this theory that the first 3 months are the "honeymoon" months, and I see so many couples break up in their 4th month because the initial butterflies and sparks are gone. That gives you 2 months to get to know each other for real...that's....60 days. Hardly enough time. Anyway, the two of you have a completely different vision for your futures, which is like, #1 reason to not be married to him. You can't share your lives together if you want different futures. You may not even know if your core values are the same...I wouldn't discover all that about my partner in 5 months, no way no how.
The other thing that really concerns me is that you say you don't like yourself when you're with him. That is, first of all, an incredible insight and I acknowledge you for figuring that out! That's just so huge. It also means...GET OUT. You should not be in a relationship where you don't like yourself. That is so painful and so wrong! You should feel like the best when you're with him! You should feel like a beautiful, creative, talented, intelligent, funny, vibrant human being with so much to offer the world!
2006-11-21 04:00:22 · answer #5 · answered by ixi26c 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would really sit down and tell him how you are feeling. The key is honesty and trust and if you can not be honest with him then what do the 2 of you have. My question is do you love him? It is obvious you are both young and rushed into it and seems like he is very pushy and you are a sucker for love. If I were you I would finish school get a good career and then if the 2 of you are together then maybe (only if you are ready start a family) have kids. Definitly be settled before having children. I am 25 yrs old my fiance is 28 we have an 18 month old and have been together for 8 yrs, and it is very hard but our love keeps us going and strong.
good luck
2006-11-21 03:58:35 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow! I would say stay in college no matter what. If your husband cannot understand this then I guess you have to say goodbye. He sounds very controlling and I feel sorry for you. You are very young still and have a lot of time and opportunities ahead. If you are truly that unhappy then leave. Be strong and be yourself. An education is very important these days. Establish yourself so you will be able to support your future children. It is not fun being a stay at home Mom. There are other fish in the sea, many unlike your "shark" hubby. Good Luck....Stay Strong!
2006-11-21 03:52:33 · answer #7 · answered by looloo1122 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is why a 19 year old has NO BUSINESS getting married. Getting married is not about having a big party and being princess for a day, or running off to Vegas in a whirlwind of passion, it's a lifelong comittment to another human being. You rushed this relationship BIG TIME, and I'm sure at the time your family and friends told you that, but you were so sure you were "in love" and rushed off to get married, without considering major life decisions such as child bearing and rearing (and I'm sure that's not the only one you guys didn't discuss either.) You didn't enter this marriage seriously, but you sure need to take it seriously now.
You guys need counseling to make this work, if you want to. Do not, repeat DO NOT allow yourself to become pregnant at this point. You do not need to bring an innocent child into this mess of a relationship, and having a baby will not make things better, it will only make things worse. You also need to finish your education, being a single mother will make that all but impossible for you.
2006-11-21 03:50:39 · answer #8 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Choose the career. You are young, probably with limited relationship experience, and got married on the spur of the moment. Everyone - absolutely everyone - makes mistakes; hopefully, this was a learning and a growing experience for you, but now you have to acknowledge the mistake and move on with your life. For someone to pressure you into a very important life-changing decision is just not right; marriage should be based on compatibility, understanding and trust. Don't be afraid to choose your own path if this is what feels right to you. There's no point in piling more mistakes on top of the original one. See, when you're married, the feeling should be "Wow, I feel so great being with my spouse, I cannot imagine things any other way, he helps me fulfill my potential and become a better person." Getting "cold feet" is usually your gut's way of telling you - hey, something's not right. Don't be afraid to listen to your feelings and take them into consideration.
2006-11-21 03:54:43 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get out NOW!!! Any second thoughts should have told you not to go through with it!!! You aren't ready to have kids and he doesn't care! You should not have a family or spend the rest of you life with someone who makes you not like yourself when you are with them! Sounds like you didn't discuss important issues before you got married! These things should have been discussed ahead of time! Getting married isn't just something you do because you're good in bed together! You have very important issues you two don't agree on! Don't just go along with him...decide what you want. If you can't work it out then find someone who wants the same things you do! Best wishes!
2006-11-21 03:48:22 · answer #10 · answered by wish I were 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, getting married is a big deal. And to be honset, you should have been engaged for atleast a year or a year and half. I was with my husband (before we got married) for three years before we got married. I wanted to make sure he was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. (Divorces are expensive. :D ) But maybe you should sit down and talk to him about it. Le thim know that you still love him but are not ready to have a family just yet. That you will let him know when you are ready. If he loves you then he will compromise with you. Just give it time and don't break something off that you haven't really given much of a chance. And trust me, I think everytime I am mad at my husband that I want a divorce and want to get away from him ASAP!
2006-11-21 03:45:58 · answer #11 · answered by angels_killed_me 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋