Marriage counseling gets suggested more than anything else on Q&A, but it seems wayyy easier said than done?

Question

I suspect it tempting to want to go to counseling just because it would be nice to have referee for the relationship and someone to determine who is officially right or wrong. I think that is what the majority of people who enter couseling are hoping for.

That does not mean I don't understand there are plenty of couples out there whose communication issues have been helped through counseling. But if a smart man and a smart woman already have good communication...wouldn't they be better off solving things themselves instead?

Answer 1

Counselling isn't the answer for everyone. However, If the couples communication is sooooo good what is the problem??? Just because two people are smart doesn't make them good communicators. you can talk till your blue in the face but if the other person is interpretting it differently than you mean it it's worthless. That's where a bias third party can kind of explain in a diffenet way what is being said. Sucess depends on how bad you want it!!

Answer 2

I think you're 100% correct and mom always said, you can't argue w/ someone who is correct.
But you also need to remember that relationships are cultivated - they only "just happen" in the movies and on TV. Most folks learn these skills (how to be a "smart" man/woman) from their parents - but not everyone does.
We live in an on-demand, disposable society - we want what we want "right now" , get it, and when we're done - we throw it away. This is likely why a majority of marriages end in divorce.
People sometimes go to counseling because they lose sight of why they got into the relationship in the first place - because that other person was the one they wanted to be with for the rest of their life. Maybe counseling is the way for some people to get back on track... Maybe it works for some.. Who knows..
It's my belief that we need to get back to basics, slow down a bit, and re-learn to appreciate each other. If we do that - we might not need counseling.

But then again - that's just what I think

Answer 3

I think sometimes someone just needs a different, neutral perspective.

Everyone comes with some baggage, and everyone believes they are smarter than average :)

Yet, even smart folks sometimes can't see eye to eye.

Or perhaps they are great at their jobs, such as engineering or finance to name a few, but the attributes that make them great at these vocations do not lend themselves to being a great spouse.

There are any number of reasons why counselling CAN be useful.

Will it be effective is quite another question. The answer depends largely upon those participating. Do they have a clear goal they are working towards. Not something as nebulous as I want a better marriage. How do you quantify that? Instead, something like, I want to get over my wife's affair. Or, I don't feel heard by her, so I have this anger. How can I better control my anger and what can I do to better communicate. What can I do to impress upon my spouse that I do not feel heard in this relationship?

Something that is specific and often quantifiable.

Answer 4

I have been to counselling, not specified as marriage, but it pretty much was. I have been to two types, one by our pastor and one by a certified counsellor. It is easy if you have the finances for it, hard if you don't money-wise. People suggest it quite easily, but it is not cheap. Smart man and smart woman should still be able to talk it out and solve it on their own, but smart man and smart woman may have problems with both thinking they are so smart they know the answer already and will not even listen to eachother. Counselling with the professional really brought some things homes. She started with a current problem, and took it back to our childhood to bring about the answers, it was really neat and we can't always do that without someone prodding the questions along. Too bad we had to quit because of financial reasons.

Answer 5

Marital counseling is done by a professional who will not take sides, and can maintain continuity in the situation. A counselor is there to guide the couple. A smart man and a smart woman often cannot solve their own problems, and the counselor is put into the mix to give each person the equal time to discuss what their problem may be and the counselor will put into play certain things like homework for your relationship, the counselor will be the equalizer.

Answer 6

I hear you, but by the time marriage counseling is suggested the communication of couples has well and truly broken down. The counsellor is not really a referee they are there to ask leading questions which help you to think carefully about the problems you have and to be able to talk about them together in a controlled environment. The counsellor definitely doesn't take sides or agree or disagree with anything that is said or talked about in the sessions they just listen, intervene when things get a little heated or confusing and ask the questions needed for the couple to be able to really get to grips with their problems.

Answer 7

If a smart man & a smart woman are already communicating well, then their relationship should be a whole lot more successful than those who do not communicate well... because effective communication generally produces>>> good results.

Answer 8

i think the key thing about counseling is that it is not about who is right or wrong it is about a person that has nothing to do with your family it trying to help you be better partners through different ways. communicating or whatever it may be. they should be able to not only help you at that moment but give you devices that can help throughout your life. i dont look at it as not being able to solve it on your own but choosing to seek out the best options and using those resources that are available.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

i agree with you but sometimes the communication is gone so they need someone to help them get started ........i also think if more couples just find ways to talk to each other they would stay married longer then they do now a days .......my grandparents was married 50 years before one died and the other did not get remarried until the days she died so people really need to look in side them self's and see what's more important to them..........