My husband feels the need to look at porn and jack off when Im not around when I asked him not to do that. I give it up to him everyday and yet he still feels the need to look at porn and pleasure himself, I know I do good at what I do but now its like I dont want to do it anymore cuz he will do his thing anyways. Plus when he told me that he wouldnt he kept it from me and lied about it. what should I do and how do I deal with the emotions that this is making me go through?
2006-11-21 02:33:42 · 22 answers · asked by cutiepie21106 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
A couple of things might be happening here. First, you might not be entirely correct in making the assumption that you aren't satisfying him enough when after you've had sex the previous night he watches porn and pleasures himself. There are always difference in libido levels. It isn't as much a male versus female thing. It is harmonal to a great extent. So, he might actually be thinking about the great time you guys had the previous night and might be doing this to re-live your intimacy while you aren't around.
It is also entirely possible that you might be doing great together but he may want to try something different or exotic that you guys haven't. That might cause him to seek those exotic imaginations through watching porn and helping himself. Its again not you. It just might be his inability to express and communicate well. Some people are turned-on just by the dramatics - not necessarily because that women in the porn movie is probably sexier looking than you are.
One last thing. It is also possible that he has diminishing interest in you. I hope not. That's a little more difficult to deal with. There is always this lingering hope that there's always something better for me out there.
See if you can talk to him about what he likes. Maybe a seductive approach from you might pleasantly surprise him. It might even help to watch the movie he loves together. One thing is, you definitely draw his attention to you - and away from the movie. Secondly, you will be able to understand what he really likes when you watch him watch the movie.
And most important - please don't hurt yourself emotionally over this. It is not you against porn. Just don't take it personal. Do not - I repeat - do not think about keeping him happy while you are with him. That's probably why you feel a lot more guilty than you should. Just have fun and enjoy it for yourself - be a little selfish about your pleasures too. When you ask and get him to perform for you as much you perform for him - you'll enjoy it a lot more. You'll also be guilt free and you just might stop seeing the porn movie as your competition :-) Good luck.
2006-11-21 02:51:45 · answer #1 · answered by houstonian352000 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you aren't around, why do you want to control what he is doing?
This sounds like this is all about you. you want him to obey you.
This forced him to be secretive (because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings), and then you turn this against him, saying he lied to you... well he lied about something that you had no right to try to exert your will over in the first place.
His s e x life is not yours to dictate. Its not making you go through any other emotions other than the emotion of you not having him under your thumb.
You "give it up" to him... that's not s e x... that's you trying to buy control over his existence. Anyone under the impression that s e x is something women give and men get, has a unreasonable view of physical affection.
Take to heart the advice others have shared with you to see this as a problem you have... not him. Like Jenn above's advice!
If you really liked s e x, would you be saying you don't want it anymore... obviously you don't like s e x for what it does for you.
2006-11-21 11:24:49 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's natural for guys to look, but it's not natural to spend so much time watching porn and masturbating when he has a wife ready, willing and able. He knows it's wrong or else he wouldn't be lying about it. This desire for visual stimulation has overtaken his good sense and his commitment to you. It sounds as though he has developed an addiction to porn and pleasuring himself and that he would rather watch cyber images and feel his own hand than be with a real woman.
I would insist that the two of you go to counseling. If he refuses and insists that the problem is yours (as addicts usually do) I would go to a lawyer.
2006-11-21 10:47:58 · answer #3 · answered by Karen L 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
well, it may be normal but if he can't control his need at your request then I think he needs help. If you are giving it to him everyday then there should be no reason for him to stray like that. If it is porn in the house what is he doing when he leaves? Can you hinestly say it won't lead to him cheating on you? Becuase in a way - that is what he is doing. he is depriving you of your needs as he jerks off to porn. Before you know it he will be jerking off with someone else. He should want you to be part. Get him help. Seek the professional help of a relationship expert.
God Bless.
2006-11-21 10:45:19 · answer #4 · answered by Just asking 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
In our lovely world, society today, this is considered "normal". Some men have an extremely strong sex drive, no matter how much you "give" him, entertain him, he will continue his behavior. Better that behavior than going out to cheat on you. I speak from experience, I was married to someone exactly like that. Discuss with him maybe to cut down on the porn a little because you feel hurt, (maybe) abandoned, inadequate. Good luck.
2006-11-21 10:40:19 · answer #5 · answered by nanny4hap 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Generally speaking usually a dude likes the porn to get things started between you and him. It makes me wonder if there is something missing in your sexual relationship as far as what he wants. As far as pleasuring yourself a man and a woman have their own fantasies. So that is not abnormal.
Sounds like you need to have a deep conversation about the issue rather than just complaining that you don't like it.
2006-11-21 11:05:38 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Some of those answering your question will claim that all men like to look at porn. Don't believe them. I, and I know many more who are disgusted just by the thought of anyone being interested in that garbage.
2006-11-21 11:46:40 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you and him are not on the same frequency when it comes down to sex. Perhaps you should watch the porn with him and find out what he likes. Even though you have sex with him daily, he may not being getting exactly what he wants. Maybe he prefers fellatio before sex? Sometimes role playing helps--something along the lines of dressing up in sex mini-skirts and playing like you're a sexy school girl. Who knows? Whatever his kinks, the sooner you find out what they are, the better your chances of getting him to stop will be. Basically, bring the pornos he watches into the bedroom.
2006-11-21 11:17:59 · answer #8 · answered by Jenn 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's amazing reading all the other comments. Men will be men is no excuse, your husband has a problem and it needs to be addressed. Tell him that you want to go to counseling with him and work out the problems in your marriage and more specifically his addiction to porn. Good luck!
2006-11-21 10:42:27 · answer #9 · answered by m27jean 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
him doing this is not necessarily him saying that you don't do a good job...maybe he just enjoys it. instead of closing your mind open it up a little, maybe that is what part of the problem is. The two of you are married there should not be such insecurities...are you considering the emotions your making him go through by trying to make him feel dirty for doing something he enjoys! at least he is just masterbating and not cheating! open up your mind and your relationship turn his pleasure into something pleasurable for yourself...have him watch you while you masterbate!
2006-11-21 11:10:36 · answer #10 · answered by thegoodwitchmm 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋