My friends went out with this guy for a year. it is only when they broke up I found he was abusive to her. On one occasion strangling her and on another burning her with a cigarette. I was distrought and guilty I didn't know anything was going on. I haven't heard from her for nearly 2 months, all her friends I know hadn't heard from her either. She had changed her number and moved out so I had no way of getting in contact with her other than email, which I emailed her on frequently.
I have just found out from one of my childhood friends. That she is back with her abusive ex. I have to admit I had my suspicions. Apparently she's gonna call me on the weekend (am not gonna hold my breath). The thing is I feel powerless I don't know what I do! I feel so angry, yet worried at the same time as this guy is horrid, he was only ever nice to me because I stood up to him.What can I do? What can I say to her? Is there any realistic way of making her see sense?
2006-11-21 00:42:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
She lives in Devon, 4 hours away from me, so would be very hard to just visit her unfourtunately.
And yes he gave her all that bull crap about how he'd changed and that he was sorry. apparently she apologised to him too???!!!
2006-11-21 00:53:26 · update #1
Your friend has serious self-esteem problems and she won't break her cycle of abusive relationships until she learns to love and respect herself more. (Take it from me, as I too exposed myself to an abusive relationship and not only stayed, but went back after the break-up)... The only thing you can do is be brutally honest with her... Let her know the risk she is putting herself at, and perhaps show her some news articles about women who have been killed by abusive boyfriends (it does happen, perhaps if you find none in UK, archive some NYC articles).. Also remind her what a wonderful person she is and how much better she deserves. Ultimately, she is going to be the one who has to help herself.. It can be very trying because somewhere inside, she knows she shouldn't be there, but she is lacking the self-sonfidence to leave.. She probably also has a need to feel loved, and abused women often are willing to take abuse because it is some sort of attention and the boyfriend may even be bold enough to say "If I didn't care..." But like I said, all you can do is ofer truth (which may hurt but in the long run, will be the best thing for her) and reassurance... I wish you good luck and hope the best for your friend.
2006-11-21 02:10:33 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's nearly impossible to do it over the phone. If she doesn't like what she hears from you, she'll just hang up.
If you can, get her to meet you somewhere: coffee, lunch, dessert, whatever. Get some of your other friends to join you and have an intervention. Ask her what she sees in this guy, let her know that she can do better and that she has the support of you and your friends (which is what she'll need in order to get out of this relationship).
I'm sure he's promised her that he's changed, that it was the last time he would touch her, yada yada yada. Don't talk about him in an overly aggressive manner as she will become defensive of him and will want to stay with him even more, but you can probably gauge that when you talk to her.
Again, try to get her out and around her friends before confronting her on this. I'm sure a lot of people have already chastised her for being with this guy, what she needs is support.
2006-11-21 00:48:44 · answer #2 · answered by tipper 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her!! She~deep inside will know that you're right!! Maybe she thinks that he's the best she can get...I was in an abusive marriage and was told I was fat and ugly...I'd never amount to anything..No one will EVER love me or want me...Especially since I had two children with this..loser!!! He was verbally,mentally and towards the end physical...I finally looked at my 3 yr old daughter and 1 yr old son..and walked out!! I had people who had NO idea what I was going through..cause I kept this abuse from them...They were...my mom and dad!! My dad cried and said he was sorry that he MADE me marry this person!! I didn't think that I could do better and ya know what..I carried that around for almost 10 yrs...UNTIL I met my husband and father of my 2 youngest children...SEE?! Someone did love and want me... Tell her the truth and IF she's really a friend..she'll take your words and use them ...and WAIT...someone better WILL come along!!!
2006-11-21 00:58:25 · answer #3 · answered by just me 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have answered your self,it sounds like just the old bull,not a dry eye in the house what a shame,there no way you can help,only your friend can,its the old storey,you can only get help if you help your self first.Where in Devon is she living?the SW is a big place,yes i do live there (Plymouth)Devon,if shes cuts her self off from all her friends maybe she don't need them any more,you must be prepared for this,abuse dose allot to people,low self as team,blaming them selves for every think,he may have made threats towards her or her family,in fact he is the lowest of the low.Stay lucky
2006-11-21 02:21:09 · answer #4 · answered by barnowl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My friend and sisters and mother were all in abb. relationships. I know as a friend that you want the top best for your friend and you know that she's not getting it. What I did was have a heart to heart conversion with my people. You on the other hand can't. I would e-mail her and tell her that you need to see her and try to get togrther with her. If you know in your gut that things are getting worse try to take it to the law and report her man for spousal abbuse. Trust me it's going to be really hard to get her away from him. The best thing that you can do is be there for her. Let her know that your still her friend and that your doors are always open to her. If you really want to get bold save up some money and plan a trip up to her area and stop by and see her. Step up to her boyfriend and confront him and tell him that your not going to allow him to do this any more. I hope you the best of luck and keep god on your side. I hope everything works out for you and your friend
2006-11-21 01:20:21 · answer #5 · answered by hardcore_carebear 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are her friend, and being a friend you should talk to her and tell her whatever you had in your mind and heart in RIGHT MANNER, in a manner that she will not reluctant or hesitated to hear something negative about his bf...You could do it girl, just be brave and be strong for the sake of your friend...Shes in danger, and she didnt see it because shes blind now with her feelings for these morbid man. Save her until its too late for you to do that. Just show her how you feel concern about her situation, how concern you are about her, dont hesitate to talk it might help her to wake up. It is better to do something than to wait frighteningly, thinking endlessly if she's still alive...After you've done your part and she still get deaf, then it is the time for you to stop your guilt feeling and your paranoia, she chose her destiny and she will be the one who will suffer her decision. And when the time comes that she's needing for your help (if she's still alive that time..) then help her and be there for her, thats the time for you to be her friend who's been there waiting for her for a long time..Hope you could help her now ok? Thats all, i hope i could helped you.
2006-11-21 00:59:31 · answer #6 · answered by missy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The more you get at her about him the more she'll stay with this guy, she and she alone will have to work out if she wants to be abused and be a punchbag for the rest of her life. Each time he does it she will find it harder to forgive him and, hopefully she will eventually see sense before it's too late and he does her serious harm. Hope she does. x
2006-11-21 00:49:20 · answer #7 · answered by RUTH M 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
all you can do is be there for her, because you know its just a matter of time before she will need someone to talk too.
ive been in your situation and you do feel powerless but its up to her to get admit to the abuse and get help, you cant do anything but be there as a friend.
its not easy, i know but its all you can do right now.
2006-11-21 00:46:35 · answer #8 · answered by vanessaoz 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your friend will talk to you when she is ready. make sure that in your email you say that you are there for her, and really want to see her. also that your glad theyre back together (even if it is untrue) but would like her to be careful. dont bring up the subject too much afterward, and only ask about their relationship if she seems happy, or drops a hint that she needs help. dont talk about it too directly as she might take offence. good luck!
2006-11-21 02:48:20 · answer #9 · answered by Eden B 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know as a friend you want to desperately help your friend. But you also have to accept that people have to learn to make their own mistakes and hopefully, also learn from them too. Courage isn't a tangible thing that you can give to someone. It has to be nurtured and encouraged to surface by the individual themselves. Let her make her own mistakes and reassure her that as a friend, you'll be there to help if/when it all goes wrong. If you try to involve yourself too much in her life, she may end up resenting you. (Infatuation has a way of clouding peoples vision.)
2006-11-21 01:02:58 · answer #10 · answered by Fragile Rock 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋