My husband of 11 years has been having an affair for a year with my best friend of 19 years. We have 5 children. She is married with two children. I am so hurt and confused. I love him, and I don't want to see our family ripped apart but will I ever forget what they have done? I suspected someting wasn't right for about the last 9 months. Was certain something was going on for the last 5 months. And I caught them exactly four weeks ago. So it has only been a month since everything has come out in the open. Can we recover from this? Has anyone out there had a similar experience? We had a great marriage for a long time. We were in love, can we get it back? Please help. I don't know what I want. I don't want to throw away 11 years, but I DON'T want to hurt forever or be hurt again. Thanks
2006-11-20 15:56:26 · 30 answers · asked by otowndmbfan 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
that's a tough one.....if he had to cheat I would rather it be with a woman I didn't know............
2006-11-20 16:41:33 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can forgive but you'll never forget what happened. You should not consider that best friend of yours best friend anymore. First of all, she should respect the fact that he is your husband. She is stepping on your boundry. Husband is something you don't share with others. Secondly....she has a family of her own already what the heck is she thinking about? I hate to tell you this your husband no longer love and respect you. After 11 yrs of marriage he cheated that should give you an answer if he still loves you or not. I don't know how you feel about giving him a second chance but I know if i were you I wouldn't be able to do so..You said you don't want to throw away the 11 yrs have you asked him if he wants a second chance? Your husband doesn't sound like a good man. if he were he would have the respect for you and think of the 5 beautiful children he had with you. As for your so-called best friend she needs to go to...how can she betray you after 19 yrs of friendship? I am sure she wouldn't like it if you have an affair w/her husband. You should give yourself sometime to work this out. Everyone is different and it's all up to you.
2006-11-20 18:25:13 · answer #2 · answered by uniqaznmeg 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know this is hard 11 yrs and five kids wow. You have to think about you since your husband hasn't for a long time it would be hard to throw it all away but if you forgive him whats stopping himfrom doing it with someone else if he has been able to do this to you he will continue that saying is out there once a cheater always a cheater because it is true. The only choice you can make here is a divorce you deserve someone better and your kids deserve a better dad. Eleven years is a long time but forgive him now then he does it agin in 2 years now its 13 years in this
marriage of adultery and dishonesty could you live with that. Really I sympathize with what you are going through but this guy needs a wake -up call and letting him off is not going to do it. God Bless and Hope for whatever you decide to do.
2006-11-20 16:04:01 · answer #3 · answered by Livinrawguy 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Just because you have 5 kids, I would say try to make it work.
However, I don't think you will ever be able to forget what he did to you. And because of that, you will always throw the fact that he cheated on you, in his face. This will only create arguments amongst you two. I also think it will always be in the back of your mind, that he could possibly be cheating on you again or still.
As much as you'd want to forget, you will never forget. If your husband is going to be sincere and loyal to you, then make your relationship work. But if he's going to be a scumbag to you, then start planning for your future without him. If this is your husband, he'll be the first to leave, leave you.
I also feel that when a woman gets cheated on, she has to do all possible to let her man know that she will not deal with it, so it won't happen again. Let him kiss your *** for a little bit, after all you are a great mother to his children. You deserve respect and loyalty. So if you just told him that you were angry and you'll get over it, most likely he'll be cheating on you again. Because to him there are no consequences. What are yours? Can he cheat?
Good Luck.
2006-11-20 16:06:25 · answer #4 · answered by Rica 82 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're not going ot regain the trust overnight, but it is possible to recover from this. You hurt now, the betrayal is raw, but it need not be life-ending. This will change the dynamics of your marriage, and I'm not sure how you'll reconcile this with your friend, but it's obvious the love is still there. If you and your husband are still talking don't give up hope and throw away 11 years. You won't hurt LIKE THIS forever, but it will be a long time before you'll be able to shelve your feelings of betrayal and move forward.
Allow yourself time to grieve ... it's a process much like recovering from the death of a loved one or discovering something traumatic about a family member. A month is a short time when dealing with something like this, and you can't be expected to just snap your fingers and forget.
2006-11-20 16:05:30 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wish you the best of luck in trying to get over something like that. I would personally never forgive my bf/husband for cheating on me with my best friend and i would never forgive my best friend either.
okay, well maybe i would, but it would take a long time and i would never be able to look at either one the same again. I dont' know the ages of your children and you might want to try and make it work, but if they are old enough, please respect yourself and get out of that marriage.
oh yeah, and it wouldn't be throwing away 11 years. it was probably a great 11 years and nothing can take that away. But he made a very big mistake and nothing he could ever say will make you feel any better about your relationship.
2006-11-20 16:07:07 · answer #6 · answered by snippy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If this happen with your best friend and husband and you did not find out for 11 months after it started, the next affair will be easier for him. He has no respect for you or the familes involved otherwise this couple would of never got it going in the first place. And how would you ever be able to trust him or her again. You will not trust again. Everytime you see them talking you will start thinking about the affair and wonder if they are talking about them. Some marriages are good and then turn bad this sounds like what has happen to your marriage. And can you be sure this was his first affair......
2006-11-20 16:03:43 · answer #7 · answered by Mimi 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Why are you even still a part of this relationship? There is no way that you will ever be able to get over this, I mean it may be easier if it were a complete stranger, but this is your husband and best friend some friend she is I would of kicked her A**. You must have a heart of forgiveness because he and her would be kicked to the curb.. What losers, you deserve so much better. Go get some counseling for yourself, and find a man and when I say Man I mean a REAL ONE and let him love you and care for you the way you deserve
2006-11-20 16:08:53 · answer #8 · answered by melissa052572 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Been there done that. I tried very hard to get over it but I never did. To this day I want nothing to do with the woman, we even moved out of the state because I couldn't stand the thought of seeing her and I didn't trust that they'd not start it up again. So we moved, I thought I found the one friend I could trust because her husband did the same thing to her, Well, I couldn't have been more wrong, sure enough they had a thing too! I couldn't get the trust back where either of them were concerned. So I divorced him and forgot she even existed. Maybe had we went to counseling things would have turned out differently, but I'll never know, and now I don't really care.
2006-11-20 16:04:37 · answer #9 · answered by sharpeilvr 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Are you able to forgive your hubby as well your best friend? If you do, you need to sort out with your hubby first. Have a heart talk peacefully with your hubby. Don't yell at him, ask him whether he still want the happy family or he wants to be your best friend. If he remaining silent or refuse to give you any answer or even saying nasty answer that "Do not force me", then I would said that your hubby has no intention to leave her for the sake of you.
If he does did so to you, do not show your weakness. I knew you are hurt and terribly pain but u need to tell him that there are 2 options for him to choose - (i) leave her (ii) divorce. Give him a week to think over seriously. I suggest you need to move out & have some space for him to think while you are away from him. In this way, he will really think seriously. After 7 days later, demand the answer from him. If at the end, he still unable to give you any answer, you need to be firm and tell him that this family will be no longer need him anymore. (This is physocology and he will fear if he really lose everything including his children)
2006-11-20 16:58:26 · answer #10 · answered by Adorable Mrs 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my ex cheated after just 4 years of marriage i do not know the girl i only know OF HER. I tried for 4 MORE years to get over it and it never happend i just started hating and not trusting him. We had two kids i was not ready to tear up our family. I did divorce because after the cheating i felt i did not know who he was. I hurt with him and i hurt getting him out of my life there was no way to win. Some people can and do work past these issues i'm not one of them. I still to this day won't forgive him we were married just shy of 8 years been apart almost 5 years..
2006-11-20 16:03:59 · answer #11 · answered by ally'smom 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋