Regarding "Gunsmoke"....can you write an interesting paragraph or 2 that includes these phrases?

Question

1. if I'm lyin' I'm dyin'
2. it was about the same time that Mama's old sow had that record litter of pigs
3. I'll get on you like ugly on an ape
4. Matt, do you know how I worry about you?
5. well fiddle...don't you see?
6. he beat Matthew up something awful

Answer 1

Festus lumbered up to Doc and said, "Doc! Come quick! He beat Matthew up somethin' awful!
Doc replied, "Now, Festus, don't you be lyin' to me. I'll get on you like ugly on an ape."
Festus snorted, "Doc, if I'm lyin', I'm dyin'! Some feller named Liberace tried to get too close to Miss Kitty. Somethin' about askin' about make-up tips or some nonsense. Matthew took it the wrong way, and said, "Mister, I don't know when you rolled into town, but you better watch yourself."
That Liberace feller told him, "It was about the same time that Mama's old sow had that record litter of pigs, that's when I got here!" And then he commenced to whoopin' up on ol' Matt. He left ol' Matthew a layin' on the floor of the Long Branch, I tell ya! The last thing I heard before I came lookin' fer you was Miss Kitty sayin', "Matt, do you know how I worry about you?"
Doc said, "come on, Festus, let's go give it a look." They went to the Long Branch, and sure enough, there laid ol' Matthew out on the floor with 2 black eyes. Doc cried, "Matt, you shoulda known better than to tangle with that varmint! Well...fiddle...don't you see?"
Matt replied, "No, Doc, actually, I CAN'T see. Both my eyes are swelled shut!"