I love my husband, but lately I haven't been in 'the mood'. We have a very loving marriage and have a wonderful sex life ususlly. But there are still somethings in our life we haven't figured out. The only constant is I love him until the day I die, but he doesn't really show me how much he loves me sometimes. He talks to girls online and on the phone and it makes me feel less loved. I will not leave him, But it is making me not want to have sex with him. How can I get over these feelings? Serious answers only. Don't bother with post saying leave him or divorce him, thats not an option. I just want to know anyone who has advice for me on this subject.
2006-11-20 11:45:50 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Okay, I know you are in a Poly marriage. You need to talk to your co-wife and husband about your feelings. You can't hide them away and hope they go away on their own. They won't. Is he looking for another wife? How does your co-wife feel about that? Distrust is a killer in these situations, and communication is the key to fixing yours.
If necessary you (all of you) go to marriage counseling. Just to talk, like an outside opinion. It's so hard to see the forest as a whole when your standing in the middle of it.
Good luck and best wishes.
2006-11-20 12:08:33 · answer #1 · answered by Poppet 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not that I'm an expert or anything...
You're talking about a pretty serious relationship dynamic. And, right now, the only one who knows it best is you. It sounds like you need a strong bit of introspection ... are you still 'attracted' to him? ... are you honestly 'tired' all the time? ... what's different about you (and him)? ... do you talk? ... what's the source of the 'stress' and what can you do about it?
If stress is sapping your drive ... try changing your diet ... do some periodic lite exercise ... take moring walks ... drink more water ... My point being, that sometimes these things are physical ... which then goes on to affect the emotional & mental.
If you're not honestly attracted to him anymore ... why? There is a reason, you just have to find it or admit it to yourself. Is there anything you can do to fix it? Do you hold hands anymore? Cuddle on the couch? Good morning & good night kisses?
Do you ever go out anymore? Celebrate the little anniversery dates? Do you do things he likes? Does he do things you like?
Does he help with dinner? Cook at all? I know, lots of Q? But, answering them might help you figure things out more.
If you're not talking ... you are in serious trouble. Kick in with the conversation. It doesn't have to be touchy feely or confrontationally intense. Just start talking. Find common topics, ask him questions about things he's good at. Car issues? Need to winterize? Is he Mr fix-it? Can he show you how to change a tire? Program your cell? The point being ... engage him in conversation on a regular basis and work up to the difficult stuff.
I have to admit, the 'talks to girls online and on the phone' causes me some concern. You don't say if the conversations are romantic in nature. Are they just friends? Co-workers? If they're his friends, maybe they should also be your friends? This part could get a little confrontational .. but, that too will tell you something you need to know.
As you can see, I can talk a lot. I could probably go on ... but I would suggest running with it and see how it goes. One more thing - I you think there's hope, hold on to that until your given a good reason not to. However, if you ever begin to feel trapped (for any reason), step back and reassess the situation.
If he's that man you think he is, he should be willing to meet you half way. If not ... well, that should tell you something. He should be willing to talk about his 'friends' and your feelings about them.
2006-11-20 12:11:13 · answer #2 · answered by bionicbookworm 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The part "Talking to other woman" seems wrong to me. Are these woman he's known for a long time or new chat partners?
I don't think anyone would enjoy seeing their better half chatting with strangers of the opposite sex, it's a turn off and you have to put an end to it.
How would he feel if you left him in bed alone and chatted with random men all night?
You both should sit down alone, each with a piece of paper and a pen. List everything on your mind including questions, issues, etc...
Both in a non-defensive way need to exchange these notes and answer them one by one without the other cutting in. Rotate after each answer.
Keep these notes and review them in a month from now, if you have succeeded 50% your relationship is on the right track.
Don't forget, it takes two to Tango. Unless one of you has the other sit to discuss what bothers the both of you, nothing will ever be resolved.
Oh, and obviously the mood will come back lol...
Hope this helps,
Eric
2006-11-20 12:00:30 · answer #3 · answered by ericbelec 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first thing is to put a stop to him talking to other girls online and the phone! That is really disrespectful and it should make you fell less loved because he is giving his attention to other women and not you. Why did he marry you for if he can talk to other women. Maybe because you allow it and he can have his cake and eat it to! Do not allow him to do this to you or it is going to continue and probably get worse. One day, you might come home and he will have another woman in your bed! Why don't you start talking to other men or going out to the clubs or bars. How will he like that? I don't think he will! What a jerk that doesn't appreciate the woman that he has. He is probably sitting around having fantasies about other women while you are sitting back and allowing him to do whatever he wants. Talk to him about this and tell him that you want him to stop this and you not feel that you are #1 in his life and he is not respecting you. If that doesn't work, go to counseling, and if that doesn't work, have the internet and phone disconnected!
2006-11-20 12:29:55 · answer #4 · answered by Michael C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK, The only constant is love? But yet he talks to women online and on the phone? OK, again, I want to give you a serious answer, but I am not sure you would like it. But, here goes... You need to communicate with your husband. Openly and honestly about your feelings. Without communication, relationships tend to dwindle. Even in marriages. Seriously, let him know exactly how you feel, and if he is the husband you believe him to be, he will express his feelings also. Then you can come to some kind of understanding about the whole situation. I wish you much luck.!
2006-11-20 11:52:22 · answer #5 · answered by barb b 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you flirt with him often? I know it may sound stupid, but if you are out somewhere and a guy flirts with you, you are flattered, right? you will tell him you are married, but take the compliment. This could be the same with him, he may be talking to these girls because he likes the positive attention.
As far as getting over these feelings; Just think to yourself, he is talking to all these girls, (that i bet want to have him) but he stays with you. He loves you very much, and chooses you over all these other girls. That has to be pretty flattering, married or not. Talk is one thing, but he comes home to you, he sleeps with you, and kisses you, none of them.
Are you guys getting bored in the bedroom? I mean, not keeping it new can cause couples' sex drive to lower. Ask him if there is anything he wants to try, or bring up something you always wanted to do, or even something that you guys havent done since before you were married, etc. That may liven things up a bit...... Thats all i can think of, sorry i can't be of more help.
Good Luck!!
2006-11-20 11:53:51 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It looks like your husband is having an emotional affair(s). An emotional affair is defined as expressing thoughts, ideas, deep feelings, emotions, or sharing experiences normally reserved for spouse with another person or persons. An emotional affairs differs from a physical affair in that it is not initiated for simple sex. Emotional affairs are often initiated when one spouse is not receiving emotional support from the other spouse and seek fulfillment from another person. Emotional affairs are often viewed as being as devastating to a relationship as an affair that involves only sex. Unfortunately it is very hard to give you constructive advise except that you and your marriage can benefit with the marital counseling. Couples counseling is very successful if both parties are willing to attend and really work on the relationship.
2006-11-20 12:12:14 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You said that the fact that you are not in the mood because he is talking to girls on the phone etc. right? Are you sure that you are not withholding sex as punishment for not making you feel loved? That strategy could back fire. Why not grow up and admit to him that you feel insecure when he talks to other women. Maybe then you two can move past your dry spell.
2006-11-20 12:11:50 · answer #8 · answered by newyorktilson 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I just wanted to let you know that I do understand. I love my husband and the sex with him, but if I am stressed, or feel that he paid attention to any other woman I will often loose my sex drive. It kinda sucks, because all it does is make it bad because he does not feel like I want him. What problems sex can bring huh? Hope all works out well for you!
2006-11-20 11:50:18 · answer #9 · answered by 1st time mom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would never be able to deal with the fact that my husband would be talking to other women. There is some serious problems here. i completely see where your coming from and obviously you need to talk to him. But be careful how you approach the situation bc he may become guarded and shut-down about you getting into his face about it or even worse he may understand that it bothers you so in order to avoid confrontation do it behind your back and lie about it. So, i think you need to find out why he needs to talk to these other women? is there something your not giving him? stuff he doesn't feel he can talk to you about? i think that with added security and comfort in your relationship then your sex drive will follow. But until you have the comfort i think your sex drive will stay as is.
2006-11-20 11:54:14 · answer #10 · answered by Stephanie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋