Is the abuse my fault and do I deserve it?

Question

I use to (keyword use to) push and smack my boyfriend whenever he said something verbally abusive. He doesn't believe what he does is verbally abusive. Saying things like (Your no halle berry, your dumb)... Afterwhile I stopped because I know its wrong and learned how to control my anger and just ignore him when he runs his mouth. Now that we argue he thinks hes entitled to push,smack, and punch me. His excuse is I did it to him, or I deserve it. Im 120 pounds hes 200. He doesn't realize his strength and I don't have any, cuz my hits are like pinches. He rammed me into a wall once for pinching him. Saying well I hit him first. Whos right?

He verbally abused me first and after smacking the s*** out of him for saying the awful things, I apolgized for slapping him, and pushing him ... that should be enough for him to not to what hes doing.

Answer 1

Well I would say that you are "more right" by making an attempt to end the cycle of abuse. The only person you can really change is yourself, & so you did the right thing by ending the hitting on your part.
If you really want to take your efforts to end the abuse to the next level, then you need to be prepared to leave him.
Tell him the next time he puts you down, or lays an angry hand on you, that it's over.
I predict that it won't be long before he violates your terms, but the minute that he does it, you simply walk away.
If he wants you back, then he'll learn how to control his anger the way that you did, & he'll prove it one day at a time.
In time you may learn that you have outgrown him. It happens, accept it, & congratulate yourself.

Answer 2

It's a shame you didn't both have some counselling after you decided to manage your anger. Maybe you could have both moved forward together at that time. He certainly isn't being an angel if he has been verbally abusive in the past. Now though he is using his strength against you, is not taking responsibility (and is projecting his guilt on to you) and, I would have thought, should not be trusted.

I can uderstand why you might think you ought to 'stay the course' - especially as you have had your own problems with aggressiveness in the past - but I am concerned for you - I really dont think you should stay.

How many times are you going to let him do this to you? How hurt do you have to become, before you leave him?

Ramming into a wall???

Is that love?

Don't tell me...he apologises afterwards or says you made him do it because of "____________" (insert poor excuse).

Take good care of yourself and value yourself .

Who's right? I think you already know the answer to that one. You just need to hear yourself say it - and to believe it.

Answer 3

Nobody deserves to be abused no matter who you were or are.
Nobody has the right to do so to the other people.
People's well being is up to that person to decide.
I work in the medical field, abusive actions like that are considered as felony/misdemeanor.
If you report the case, you can even have restrain order within 24 hours.

I suggest, if you can and if you value yourself and you're a smart girl.
Leave the relationship!!! Because there's always something better out there for you...
Remember, there's still a lot of fishes in the sea (well, at least until 2048)...

Let me know if you need any help!

Answer 4

I think you are in a dangerous situation. I don't think you need to be with him. Because no one has the right to verbally or/and physically abuse you in ANY WAY! Even though you might have started hitting him first, he still doesn't have the right to smack, push, or punch you. Don't let him continue to abuse you! You need to leave asap, and if he threathens you, call the police. I'm so serious! This is no joking matter. Honey, he doesn't love you from according to what you're saying. You should pack your things and get out of his life for good or it could be too late! I pray you'll make the smart choice. Good luck!!

Answer 5

from an old school male, there is no reason for a man to hit a woman with the exception of defending his life. By the same token, a lady does not punch, push, smack or pinch a boyfriend. If the relationship is violent, it is no relationship. You both need to grow up and pretend you're going to be adults.

Answer 6

Neither of you are right. Violence, no matter how innocent, is never a healthy path to go down, as you are of course now seeing. Unfortunately, in our childhood it is natural to smack or shove someone in fun and as we mature it can be hard to see the line at where this type of behavior should stop.

If I was you I would either find a new boyfriend or sit down and talk to him. Apologize for your violent actions and promise not to do it again - and ask him to do the same. By apologizing you are doing nothing more than putting it behind you (and by accepting the apology you are not necessarily condoning violent action - just wiping the slate clean). A long term relationship can not last with violence - so if you want to stay with this person, you need to remove it from the equation on both sides and act more lovingly toward one another.

Peace!

Answer 7

Who's right? Neither of you are right. First, I know that you have matured, but just to reiterate what you have already said, youshould not have started the mess. What you did gave him a psychological approval to do the same. In his mind, pushy, hitting and God knows what else is and was acceptable to you and to make matters worst, when he does it to you now, I am of the opinion that you mere express your dissatisfaction and accept it by moving further into the abusive relationship. Now that you both have a pattern of this behavior, short of counseling and mutual agreement to handle things differently, you will always be apt to physically resolve issues. The unfortuante thing about this is that, depending on the kind of person he is, he may not stop this behavior immediately. The fact that he says things to you and calls you "dumb" suggests that he does nto respect you. It will be very hard to get his respect back after allowing it. I would not say that abuse is totally your fault (although you did play a part), people have a tendency to act out what is already there. A man who does not have those tendecies within, usually will find another way to express his discontent with your actions. You certainly don't deserve it as no one deserves to be abused. I would encourage you to take a deep look into yourself and ask these questions:
Am I co-dependent on him? Did I see this type of behavior coming up and if did I allow it to shape me? If this destructive behavior is a part of me, how can I get rid of it? Am I willing to break ties with this kind of behavior bith in myself and my partner? Only you can answer those questions. Be honest and do the right thing. If he doesn't want to change, may I suggest that you change, get out before it is too late!!!!
Be blessed!!!!!!

Answer 8

You are both wrong hon, It is not o,k, to hit pinch or slap anybody you care for! You see your logic is always different from somebody Else's. You've proved that by not agreeing with your boyfriends logic! And you've also changed your line of logical thinking, by altering your own behaviour towards your boyfriend! I would suggest that you and your boyfriend attend a behavior class run by a counceller. It can be a real eye opener, and very good for you. Remember! To cause pain to someone, is not learning a lesson, it's only teaching fear and loathing!!! So both of you change your ways to each other before it's too late. Have a good day hon!

Answer 9

Neither of you are right! You both are wrong! Except that maybe you stopped doing what was wrong & he has continued.

When one has greater strenght, they do also have greater responsibility, but that doesn't justify your actions, just as your actions do not justify his.

Tell him "I was wrong & that is why I have stopped. But hasn't your mother ever told you "two wrongs don't make a right?' Neither of us should be abusive & if one is abusive, that does not give someone else an excuse to be abusive."

If he doesn't stop, DUMP HIM! If you two have kids together, that is all the more reason to get out of an abusive relationship. Do you want your kids to grow up with that around them?

(I actually think you should dump him now, but apparently you want to give him another chance.)

Answer 10

As a man who witnessed physical abuse of my mother growing up I believe than no man, ever, should hit a woman. It isnt old fashioned values, in is common decency that tells us this. Look, age makes no difference, it is as simple as the strong preying on the weak and is wrong. The exception would be in defense of ones self but a man should usually be able to handle even this without hitting. I believe a man is not a man until he understands and accepts the fact that just because he can, and just because he wants to, doesnt mean he should, self control is the evidense of a real man...