To add to this, the family is verbally abusive, passive aggressive, and has a pathological pattern of family problems going back 2 generations. All of the family has turned on one another at one time or another, and has walked away. My husband made the decision to walk away after great consideration (or so I thought) and how has second thoughts and wants to reconcile. I have offered that he go forth without me, and have this relationship on his own (with myself removed only from the "family" situation) but he still does not go back. I feel he thinks he needs me or wants me to blame should things not work out AGAIN. Yet, he is still using me as the reason that is holding him back. What is the hold here ? I do not understand why a person cannot walk away from the abuser, stop the pattern, and start anew.....Any insight would be appreciated.
2006-11-20 08:20:24 · 14 answers · asked by WUDDALIFE 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Make the choice for him and leave. Tell him you'll come back when he seeks therapy. You don't need this drama in your life.
2006-11-20 08:23:35 · answer #1 · answered by nursesr4evr 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, I sometimes wonder why my husband will beat himself to a pulp to please his family. I really do wonder. But it all comes back to him saying "THAT'S MY FAMILY", even if my mom is a rude cocky b**ch and my dad is an alcoholic and my brother is a lazy moocher, they are all still my family and that's never going to change. I think your husband feels that about his family and that is why he wants to reconcile. I know you hate the idea but the sad part is that you're going to have to let your husband find out on his own...again. When he's had enough, he will really cut them out of his life but right now, he's feeling guilty for not being there. This is a tough one mama and all I can say is be strong and stand by your husband's side because even though he may leave the toilet seat up at times or turn on the football game while you're watching a good "Lifetime" movie, he's still your husband for better or worst, through thick and thin and right now you're in a thick part of your lives, just pray for strength.
2006-11-20 08:41:01 · answer #2 · answered by Mrs_Rivera2U 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A couple of thoughts:
1) History of mental disorders in the family - has your husband ever been evaluated for any of these disorders (even to a lesser degree).
2) It actually is a common psychological phenomenon for the abused to return to the abuser, somehow they have in their head that they deserve it or something - probably something he'll need some professional help overcoming.
3) To a lesser degree that sounds like my husband's family - they're a little mentally unstable, and are so mean to each other, but they're still family. We just live far away from them (about 800 miles) but still participate in family reunions and holidays with me there by my husband's side. It's a little insane, but we manage to have fun anyway.
good luck
2006-11-20 08:33:42 · answer #3 · answered by daisyk 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How long have you been with your husband? I've been with my guy for 7 years and he comes from a simular situation. After we were together for about 3 years, he told his mother "if you keep arguing with her, she won't be the one to leave, you'll have to go mom!". Don't bad mouthing his family to him. If you have something to say to one of his family member say it. Only, point out situations as they happen, don't bring up past situations. Someone who has been abused will not see things that happened in the past as clearly or the same as you do. They justify things to make it seem better in their head to survive. Tell his family off when you want to, but always show your husband love (it is not his fault when his family does something wrong and if he was abused mentally or physically, it will take a lot of time to get over it and he may go back to them a couple of times). Hopefully, he will learn that it is not so horrible to tell someone what you think and that he can depend on you to be there for him. Hopefully it will work out the same for you as it did me. He might not have the courage to protect himself, but he should eventually have enough to protect you. If that does not work than you may have to leave him and find someone without so much baggage.
2006-11-20 08:36:01 · answer #4 · answered by Mel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if my partner did not like my friends and family, and didn't get along with them things between us would never work out. it's important for me that people in my life get along or are at least civil to each other. these people are not just strangers and easy to walk away from, they are his family, his blood YOU need to be more sensitive to this situation, and be a good influence on him. the people that are most important in life are the ones that bring you up, not always bring you down and criticize you. the fastest way to push me away is by criticizing my family or friends. i can complain about them because they're MY family, but if anyone says anything negative about them it makes me really cold towards that person. be good to him and understand that he needs to have a balance in life between u and his family. he shouldn't have to choose, maybe u can take the first step in being a mature adult, if his family doesn't know how to get along and make friends. do this for his sake if you love him.
2006-11-20 08:27:44 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marry him, marry the family. The problem here is the blood is thicker than water. He can't walk away from his family. It's sad, but those of us who actually live with family members like this can only offer our support.
Best of luck to you.
2006-11-20 08:46:57 · answer #6 · answered by Starla_C 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i left home at sixteen because of family lies, i refused to live them, and support them. the price upon me and my offspring has been great. their grandparents on my side don't even know them. when their mother divorced me , and lost, custody of them, i allowed them to keep in contact with them, and now that their adults my mother is reaching out to them claiming it was all my fault that the family had become estranged. she told them it was me who caused there to be no relationship with them as they where growing up, and what i had told them had been nothing but lies. your husband is torn, he still loves his family just like i did, but can not condone or approve of what they do, he feels rightfully so that the family is blaming you for the distance between them, i suggest a meeting of the ways here, tell your husband you will meet him part way, you will invite them into your home for a dinner, because you can control what takes place and what goes on, but that you will not go with him to their place because you don't want to be exposed to their type of conduct, this will allow him limited conduct, and allow you the chance to set an example that they will follow,
2006-11-20 08:48:54 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tough choice..
You seem to have made the tough choices in a wise manner...
Your husband is still unable to come to grips with it...
Your husband has more emotional baggage to deal with...
Keep working on him..
You may be able to lead this horse to water but it remains to be
seen as to whether or not he will drink...
2006-11-20 08:40:25 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not as easy for some to walk away. You should encourage him to seek professional counseling and go with him. Everyone is an individual and individual needs have to be met.
2006-11-20 08:23:43 · answer #9 · answered by stacye5398 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Family is family no matter what....set him down once and for all and tell him that any decision he makes is on his head, not yours....
2006-11-20 08:25:20 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋