How do you make or keep a man happy who doesn't want sex?

Question

In response to Doorman's question on "How to keep and make a man happy".....many answered that some form of "sex" keeps him happy. Well, how do you make or keep a man happy who DOESN'T WANT SEX?! Particularly if THE WOMAN DOES?!!!

And before you answer:
* NO! He's not having an affair, and yes I know that for certain.
*YES, kids, work, financial strain, & stress from outside sources
can affect a man's drive (and we have all 4).
*NO, self satisfaction is OUT! Doesn't work for me, (actually
makes it worse with more sexual frustration).
*Also NO on finding another sleeping partner, as well as divorce,
it's not the solution.

In response to some answers:
* I'm an expert at massage - he'd tell you that himself.
* As for my apperance - I've had 3 kids & my favorite response is when people look at me and say, "3 kids?! What did you do, Adopt?!" I'm not model gorgeous, but I'm not "rolling around" the house either.
*Sadly, I had a job but I had to quit because of day care costs. =(
*He WON'T go to the doctor, says he's fine when I've brought the subject up or says he doesn't have the time.
*Sex does occur once a week, but few and far between if any more times than that.
*I do try and spice it up for I agree that the same situation, same postion, same lead in is just boring boring boring!!
*And understand too that it wasn't always like this.....it's one of the reasons I fell for him. I felt that I had finally met a man that would match me in the bedroom (or out of it depending on the situation ~_^ ).

I hope that clears up some of the questions I've read in the responses.

Answer 1

I don't want it so much, but again, this goes back to that other question I answered on why people aren't hooking up after they're married, and I think much of the answer is contingent on what people are, and are not, bringing into the bedroom to begin with. For so long I did want to do stuff, and then I did, and now I'm sort of over that, and really challenged to want to get back into it again.

I'm not quite so sure what it is that I want anymore from that aspect of it, if anything. Yeah you could spend time with him in other ways and build up those other aspects of the relationship but quite honestly if it just isn't there one would have to ask if there aren't deeper issues plaguing the relationship. Perhaps I should ask myself that question ...

Answer 2

Well that is a tall order now isn't it?! Some facts you fail to mention may have some bearing on the situation. Things like how long have you been married? What are the ages of the children? How did the financial stress occur and how long have they been a factor? What is causing the 'outside pressure'?
These are things that need to be evaluated, one at a time. Next would be to formulate a plan to start minimizing the aforement- ioned.
As a footnote, if we're talking a young family and the births were boom, one right after the other, it may be your husband see you as a baby plant........just keeps turning them out. That would kill his drive for sure.
You may e-mail me to converse further, if you're so inclined, or go with what you've got from myself and others.
Good luck.

Answer 3

lame. I'm sorry.

TRY:
making good food for him -- there is some truth the way to a man's heart being his stomach.

Go on non-sex dates. Find something he wants to do (sports? museums? Concerts?) and go together. Just leave sensualtiy behind.

Make his home a happy place to come home to. Clean or comfortbable. Whatever he likes.

Keep his favorite drink around (even if it's $50 a bottle.. this is an ode to my hubbys 12 year double barrell scotch., but it doesn't have to be aloholic if he doesn't drink. His favorite coffee, or soda. Whatever)

I try keep a hobby of his around. My husband loves music and movies. So I keep a netflicks movie here so whenever he wants to watch something it is there and I keep a stash of "gifts" in my closet. So when he comes home, I can cheer him up with a cd or dvd. I also let him keep his guitars and his playstation in the livingroom. ;-)

Stay cheerful. I've never met a man who didn't want his wife to be happy.


FOR YOU:
Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. Cocoa can stimulate the same chemcials an orgasm does. Find chcocolates with 65% and up cocoa content.

It sounds terrible but a dildo does help. it's not the same thing, because it's difficult to climax, but it wares you out a bit.

Stay busy.

Sorry you are going through this. But props for being there for him. It takes a strong woman to think of her man when she is in need. ;-)

Answer 4

Make things creative. If you ate ground beef for a month, hypothetically speaking, don't you think that you would find different ways to make it more satisfying? Spice it up a bit. Set time aside to explore with different ideas to grab his attention.. Trust me he WILL be interested at one time or another. Keeping a man happy however, does not necessarily mean sex or intercourse. Some men like to be catered to. Sit down relax, kick your shoes off, how about a little quiet time, a cold beer, let me give you a massage, would you like to talk or would you like some alone time. Don't break you back however, you too have to set aside some luxury pampering time for your self too. Just be creative it always works for me. Try the sexual aspect of it first if it is that, that your pursuing.. Good luck.

Answer 5

OMG, we're living the same life in parallel universes! I have tried for years only to be rejected time and time again. I am so tired of being turned down. It makes me feel disgusting, unattractive, and unloved. Also, I do not want to divorce him, as I do still love him.

When you figure this out, let me know! There is so much tension between us, I don't know what to do. Any time I try talking to him about it, he gets upset. Last Thursday, I thought things were going to change, as he did "give in." Notice how I worded that, though. He ALLOWED me to do it with him. He finished; I didn't. I'm sick of this. He tells me he loves me all the time, but the affection is nill.

I guess if you can get your hubby to agree to counseling, maybe that would be a step in the right direction. I believe that all couples need that intimacy and emotional bond something as wonderful as making love brings. It also can show your spouse that you care more for their needs than you do your own. That's something that's in doubt for my situation. I would LOVE to get him to agree to counseling.

Let us know how it turns out -- especially if you figure out something!!!

P.S. I have lost weight, I got a new hair cut, and I feel better about myself. He's just not on the bandwagon.

Answer 6

Is the question about how to make a man happy if he doesn't want sex, or how to make yourself happy if he doesn't want sex?

If former: there are ways to make your man happy that have nothing to do with sex; a good meal, a night out, asking him how his day was.

If latter: investigate possible medical issues that may be affecting his sex drive. Low testosterone can be one of the causes, and it's treatable. Perhaps he's clinically depressed. In any case, a trip to a medical professional is in order.

Answer 7

What does he like...watching sports, fishing, etc. Share
those times with him. Special meals. Everyone likes a massage. Take some of the financial strain off of him...maybe you get a job. Take some of the "other stress" off him if you can. And, why doesn't he want sex?
Maybe he needs a physical exam and some meds to cheer up.

Answer 8

If you cant tell exactly when he does then what makes you say he does "really fast"? and how does it throw you off completely. I must say it is fantastic when both people get "there" together but that is not always going to happen. Instead of concerning yourself with his orgasmic timing focus on yourself. Consider yourself lucky that he can continue once he has ejaculated. I think that it is possible that he cannot tell when you have climaxed and he is just being considerate and continuing until you are done. You may seem distracted during the act because you are paying to much attention to his orgasm. Just enjoy yourself.

Answer 9

man do I feel your pain. My man is the same way only he doesn't have the excuses of kids or financial strain. And I'm the one with the stressful job. I just don't know what to do for him(or for me). Let me know if you find an answer.

Answer 10

I say, make him happy by ignoring him, and make yourself happy. Join a gym, get your hair highlighted, by a new outfit, go dancing, and get lots of attention from other guys, I would take you dancing if I knew you, you need to get out of the house, and have fun.
If you want to temporarily have some relief, go on an antidepressant, with sexual side effects, it really works for me, but I had to switch to one with low sexual side effects, because of insurance reasons, bummer.
You can't keep him happy, the only thing that would make him happy is if you either get out of his way, so he can go be selfish, and not give it up,,,,,,,,,, or you can treat yourself with love, and make him see just what he is taking for granted, which is A GREAT THING.......... if you find out what could possible work/make him happy, I would love to know.......