I have been dating this man for 2 years. He has been divorced for a year now and been seperated for two. At first it was wonderful we were planning our lives together, life was great. Then as the divorced progress the more our relationship suffered. Our biggest problem is his exwife, she threatens to take his child away from him. She has said on many occations that she doesn't want me around.
The issues that we are having is that he doesn't want to get married any time soon and the thought of having another child scaries him. I want to move on with life and he wants to make sure he isn't making another mistake. What should I do? Should I call it quits and move on? Or stay with the man I love and hope he gets through this?
2006-11-20 07:16:01 · 21 answers · asked by Tabitha 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ok, so it seems like you simply disagree on the timetable for marriage.
What makes you right and him wrong, or vice-versa?
Nothing.
You each have different perspectives.
You either work it out, come to some sort of agreement that you can live with, or you end it.
What can you do?
Make sure you are not a mistake.
Don't discount his fears, listen to them, understand they are very real and very valid to him, and consistently demonstrate that these fears are unlikely to be realized in a marriage with you.
You can't tell him his fears are wrong. You have to show him that what he fears is unlikely to happen.
How do you do that?
By consistently acting in a fashion that doesn't cause his alarm bells to go off. By consistently acting in a fashion that calms his fears.
2006-11-20 07:22:24 · answer #1 · answered by camys_daddy 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would move on. Face it: if he's been separated for 2 years, and you guys have been dating for 2 years - you are his rebound. Most likely, the reason why he wants to wait "to make sure he's not making another mistake", is that because he feels deep down that he has made a mistake already by misleading you into thinking he was interested in marrying you at all. Now he probably doesn't know how to get out of it gracefully. The issues with his ex and his child complicate the picture. It's understandable that after investing two years into this relationship, you want it to work out; but, IMO, you will probably be wasting your time sticking around any longer after he was very clear about his future plans. It just feels to me that if someone uses the "I want to wait to make sure I'm not making a mistake" line, it basically means "You're alright for the time being, but I feel that it would be a mistake for me to marry you; I'm sure if I wait, something better will come along".
2006-11-20 07:45:08 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you love this man you need to stick it out. He has gone threw alot and does need you to be supportive. Everything now a days is "throw away" if anything goes another way besides the way we want it to the we just give up on it and get into another situation that will probably be worse. Having an ex-wife with a child to boot, thats alot to adjust to. You have to be patient. I know you said it has been 2 years, are you the reason they divorced? How long was he separated before the 2 of you started dating? See these are important questions. True Love is hard to come by. Is it what you have with him? You need to think before you leap, in any direction! Good Luck.
2006-11-20 07:24:47 · answer #3 · answered by stuffy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The problem you have is that he has not turned loose of his previous relationship so cannot devote himself to you. As least he does know where he is there.
Until he resolves that both with his daughter and ex-wife he will not be a good husband for you. How long do you wait?
Well that depends upon the answer to the following question.
"Do you see us being married within the next year?"
If he cannot, or will not, answer that in the affirmative you must move on. If he can't get past this and learn to trust you even within one more year he may never do so. You have been with him for two years. You are not his ex-wife and if he doesn't know you by now he never will.
2006-11-20 07:49:43 · answer #4 · answered by John B 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What your partner is feeling is completely natural. He's scared of getting hurt again and going through the same thing he's going through right now. I went through the same exact feelings when I divorced my first husband. Just be patient and give him time. The last thing he needs is to be pressured and cornered into getting married again. Lighten up and reassure him that you love him, support him and you're not going anywhere. Because my partner was so supportive and patient, I realized that he wasn't going to do the things my first husband did to me. I finally said yes to marrying him and today we live "happily ever after". If you think you got a good man there who's worth waiting for, then wait. This drama will soon be all over and he'll be ready to look towards a future with you. Good luck!
2006-11-20 07:32:33 · answer #5 · answered by jazz_lover_25 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a very hard question to ask. Sweetie only you know what is best. You have to dig in your heart. My brother had a daughter with someone he never married. My brother married someone else that had kids and then his exgirlfriend took his daughter away. We havent seen my niece in about 5 years now. Its sad but many times as mothers one can be very pridefull and very selfish. Pride gets in the way and emotions all of a sudden starts making decisions for you. We all know that emotions lead us to wrong places at times. We cant trust our hearts if we dont use our heads. I am dating a divorced man with two kids. I accepted him the way he is, with his kids. I went in the relationship with the knowledge that problems may arise, that i may be rejected by the kids mom whatever. I accepted that. Thats something that you need to see yourself. Dont let immature, selfish moms get in the way of your relationship. If you love him thats what YOU need to know. Now, it looks as if he doesnt know what he wants. I am pretty sure that because his kids are been used against him he may get emotional and not want to cause problems but its normal. Though, is he going to live a life that empty. Scared about what his ex will do next. Will he date until she decides for him? Will he stay single? thats crap. You guys should decide for yourselves, he is the father, there is no question therefore no matter what she says he will always be the father and he has rights as the father. Now if he doubts, then why would you want to be with someone who questions being with you? unless you have only been dating for less than a month. Just be careful!
2006-11-20 07:28:53 · answer #6 · answered by ahuga 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Actually, his ex wife isn't the big problem. You should not have been dating a man before he got divorced, and had time to deal with the past relationship, get things settled with the kids, etc. So you created a lot of the problems yourself.
I don't blame him for not wanting to get married again soon or have more kids. He had a wife and family and that fell apart. You have to be mature enough to accept that they will always come first in his life, and you second. You need to think about if you can handle that and deal with that.
2006-11-20 09:45:54 · answer #7 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The rule of thumb for a divorce is that it will take half the time to get over it than what the marriage lasted. So if it was a marriage of 4 years, then it will take at least 2 years to get over it. Or well, at least that is what was told to me after my own divorce. He got over it pretty quick and before the marriage was even final he married his new girl friend. But after a few rough years everything has turned out okay! ^_^ I even get along with them all now, kinda wierd.
Your guy is having to face the realalities of what happens after something ends that you thought would be forever. It does something to you and kind of makes you lose beliefe in yourself. "I thought this woman[man] was the one and look how wrong I was. What if, what if I choose wrong again?" Divorce is something that once you go through it, you will do everything in your power to NOT have to go through it again. Even if it means living with someone you're miserable with, just so you don't have to go through that pain.
You helped him through those 2 years, but only 1 year counts because that's when the divorce was "final". But now it sounds like the rose colored glasses are off and he's scared, and who wouldn't be with his child in the middle. It's going to take time, ALOT of time, as well as Proof (that's something my current guy has a hard time with), and DON'T think he's comparing you to his past either! It's more like comparing himself from now to then, not you as his partner.
But like a few other people have already mentioned, the choice is yours. If you think he is the one for you, then stay. Because even if you move on and find someone else, it doesn't mean you won't have an issue with that person too. Mr. Perfect doesn't exisit but Mr. Right does, only he comes with some baggage. You're going to have to work through things, be it with this divorced man with child - or someone else.
~ ~ In a Nutshell: ~ ~
Don't find someone you can live with, find someone you can't live with out!
Can you live with out this man in your life, can you walk on and never look back or wonder "what if"? Or do you give it some more time and see what happens? Maybe it won't work, but you won't be left with "What if".
2006-11-20 08:18:27 · answer #8 · answered by akmedic 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you met him either right when he was getting seperated or possibly even right before he got seperated - this is probably why his ex has these feelings for you and I don't blame her. You may not have been the cause of their problems but you slipped right in with a relationship before theirs was really over.
Get used to the fact that she will be in your life forever - there is a kid involved and therefore there is a mom involved.
Of course he doesn't want to get married anytime soon - HE ISN'T EVEN DIVORCED YET. My advice - as much as it sucks to hear - move on. Get yourself a new man who doesn't have all the strings or at least one that is officially out of his current relationship and in a place where he's ready to move on.
2006-11-20 08:34:01 · answer #9 · answered by T C 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You two don't have the same wants and desires. Are you going to wait another few years to see if he changes his mind or are you going to find someone who shares your dreams? Not to mention that the "ex factor" will ALWAYS be in your life, along with all the issues that go along with it. Plus, there is a child involved. There could be a whole set of issues there as well.
2006-11-20 07:21:58 · answer #10 · answered by Royalhinney 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋