How do I overcome an abusive relationship?

Question

I have been involved with a physically, emotionally and verbally abusive man for the past 5 years. The relationship is now ended, but the loss feels like a death. Having been abused, I no longer have friends and family to lean on or talk to, so the feeling of loneliness has quadrupled. My emotions and body have been so battered, that I feel like nothing. Where do I start on this healing process?

Answer 1

You say f*ck it the past is the past i am not gonna let this guy ruin my future like he did the last 5 years. Then just live your life to the fullest and apoligize to friends and family and because they love you they will forgive you. And if they dont then f*ck them to. Its your life live it how you want to. Good luck friend

Answer 2

You obviously need a lot of emotional support right now. I would get in touch with old friends, even if you haven't talked to them for years. They'll understand. You probably feel that nobody cares about you right now, but old friends aren't like that, they'll understand.

There are support groups online. You can find them with google or ask on here.

Don't limit yourself to emotional support. You need to take some practical steps. Try to read all the articles you can find on how to avoid mis-understandings in any future relationship. Rows start because each partner sees the other partners reaction to something you do or say as bizarre, stupid, incomprehensible and unpredictable on any given occassion. If you under-stand why these mis-understanding arise, things suddenly make more sense.

All men are different. If you can reach the stage where you think a good relationship with a good man is possible, then you may feel a lot better.

Often both partners do or say things that lead to mis-understandings even if its just one partner that is responsible for being violent.

Doing or saying something that leads to a mis-understanding isn't a blame thing, its just not realising what sort of things cause mis-understandings. Some friends of mine had rows all the time due to mis-understandings and being too scared to talk.

The problem is that when someone does or says something, the other person reacts emotionally to what they think the other person means or is implying, not to what was intended or to the true situation. They haven't actually asked what was meant.

For example, if a man shows impatience during a shopping trip, the woman might take that to mean 'You don't care enough about me to let me enjoy trying things on' and then gets mad. If you ask what it means, it is just that men don't know anything about women's clothes and don't feel comfortable being there and that men's shopping style is quick and decisive, a task to be done, not a fun occasion. Its not that he doesn't love her or like her. The situation has a different meaning to him than to her and quick, blame-free communication could have cleared it up and changed people's feelings.

If a mis-understanding occurs, you need to clear it up immediately and, in a good relationship, you'll feel better straight away, not worry for a day or get really upset and only sort it out days later. A classic complaint from husbands is that the wife will ask 'What did you mean by that remark you made last wednesday?'. A classic demonstration of the point. Its almost comical.

When a couple is happy, they feel free to ask questions to clarify what was meant.

When things are starting to go wrong, people are too scared of another argument to ask what the other person meant and don't get the reassurance they need that the other person still cares or didn't mean to imply something.

When things turn violent, all trust is shattered and there is no way anyone feels comfortable asking what the other person meant as it will drag up all previous resentments.

The examples I've given are of women being afraid to ask a question to clear up a mis-understanding. Men are just as afraid to ask, in case it starts another row. They just get exasperated and storm off to a bar instead. A good man may well get exasperated at times, but he never turns violent or abusive. Its just a temporary thing.

So, to feel happy about another relationship, you need to find a guy with an easy-going temperament, study hard and ask friends and on here about avoiding mis-understandings again.

You also need to avoid being hyper-sensitive to anything your new partner does that reminds you of your abusive partner. He's not the same person. Try to choose someone with a similar personality who likes to do they same things that you do. If you're an extrovert, choose another extrovert.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Any divorce or end of a relationship feels like failure or death, add on the inherent guilt that comes with being in an abusive relationship, and what your left with are periods of anger (at yourself, at the man, at everything) and periods of feeling helpless and depressed. What will eventually happen is that you begin to live again and you find things that you enjoy that will brighten your days. It is the little things that most people take for granted that become really important after the end of an abusive relationship. Take pride in the small accomplishments in your day, rebuild the self esteem that you have lost. Focus on you. I lived in abusive marriage for 6 years and had a child, when it was finally over, I went back to school and got my nursing degree. That is where I made friends, because the only people that I talked to when I was with him was his family and friends from work, you have to completely separate yourself from that world. Good luck.

Answer 4

You go on your knees and you thank God that he got you out of there before it became worse. I have been where you are now, and i know how it sucks. When it just ended i felt i did not know what to do with myself or how to go on. then i decided that this could be the right time to do the me thing. I went and did everything i wanted to do but was to afraid, i said what i wanted and when i wanted to, without being rude or offensive and slowly it started coming together again. I called an old Friend and said i was sorry and guess what? She said she understood and that she had missed me and that she had seen what was happening i just wouldn't listen to her. Now my life is better than ever. I am engaged to a wonder full man how respects me and wants what is best for me and i thank God for him everyday. Even if you don't believe in God thank him tonight and maybe try something that i have said. call an old friend or your mom. I hope this helps. Just keep looking forward and please don't go back. A man who does not respect a woman is no man at all and definitely not worth a second of your time.

Answer 5

Start you healing process by unpacking the draws you so neatly packed, Take away all your hurt layer by layer. Your only choice right now should be to empower yourself with self confidence and pride. You are worth so much and don't look back at the past 5 years and think what you lost instead think how strong you have become. Go see a phycologist. Its the best gift you can ever give yourself, its a painful process but the end result is worth it.

Answer 6

you should join a support group. there are people there who understand, and you are likely to find friendship there. also, try joinning a class somewhere, something you're interested in, art, literature, gardening, whatever it is. you'll find people with your same interests and you'll not have as much time to think about former pain.

why do your friends and family not talk to you? YOU were abused, not the abuser. try talking with your family again.

i'm very sorry all of this happened to you. i also was in an abusive relationship for 5 years, not physically, but emotionally and sometimes verbably, so i know its tough. i jumped into a new relationship (not recommended) and it suffered well over a year because of my insecurity, but thankfully the man i'm with was a friend beforehand, so he knew what i had been thru, and was willing to help me.

Answer 7

Its possible i did it i was in one for six years and am now out of it and have been for over a year i was married and had three children. After i left him the only family i still had left was my mom so she helped me out and slowly the friends will start coming around but its very hard to do especially with self esteem issures and depression i still struggle a lot with it but trust me its very possible and it does get better. Don't be afraid to tell other people how you feel and youd be surprise how many woman there are out there that feel the same way and you'd never know it. The salvation army has a pretty good program for woman who have been in abusive relationships and they helped me a lot.

Answer 8

Don't fret over friends, they will come and the more you go looking for them the more wrong friends you will find. Join a club or church or a group with an interest you have. To get a friend you have to be a friend so maybe you could start at home and be nicer to people around the house. I'll be ur friend if you like. Johnno

Answer 9

I felt the same way. at age 40 I look good now. but when I was in my 30's I looked like I was 50 and felt like I was 60 do to a man like the one you had. I started going to Church and reading self help books. go to a book store and ask for Dr. Laura C, Schlessinger books read Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives that's a good book for you to read and she has a talk radio show on 640AM 12noon to 3pm Mon to Fri . I was like you I had know one. But after reading and listen to this radio show and I starting liking myself again and fixing myself up I look good for my age now. I can't take back the years I lost with that man but I taking back my life and I know I will never allow a man to control me again where I lose myself and that's what happen to you. and yes it's a healing process and one day your going to wake up feeling free inside . I can still remember the last day I saw him I was so though with . I got into my car and was driving on the freeway and I was crying not because I would miss him no it was the opp site I was free from all his bullshit and this song came on I can see clearing now and it fit the profile. and was great and one day you will get there.

Answer 10

Thats just the begining of your new life....its a greiving process you are going through usually everyone gets it when they are so use to a abusive relationship... give it some time as it will get better when you need to get out now and try to get your mind off your past to a new life. Nobody said it would be easy to get out to a better life thats waiting for you..your on your way. So cry now and tomorrow will be a better day.. just remember we are all here for you daily..... so talk when you need to get it out.