I'm in my mid-thirties and have been married for 13 years. I have two grade school age kids. I love them all, however I'm bored out of my skull with the banality of our life. We are lower middle-class and don't have the money to buy excitement. But it is more than that: I am discontent with not being able to pursue anything new (career wise) for myself because it may set us back further financially than we already are (I make significantly more money). I'm so sick of sales and it's all I've ever done. I don't mind helping with housekeeping, but outside of washing the clothes, feel like I'm doing way more than she is and I can't stand the domestic monotony. SEX, she seems content with once a week - Sat only - but subtract an average of twice a month for her period, misc. illnesses or anything that may interupt her getting her in the mood emotionally. There's more but I don't have the space here. Am I starting a mid-life crisis, and being a jerk - or do things need to change? HELP.
2006-11-20 06:10:07 · 28 answers · asked by mr_slacker70 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well, all I can tell you is that it is not about money. I am very similar in age and family status but money is not an issue for us. However I feel the same way. We go on vacations to different places but it does help much. I think it is just being thirty-something with kids.
2006-11-20 06:23:39 · answer #1 · answered by Brian 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that you are not mature enough to be married, and that she should have gotten a clue when you made your best friend more important to you than she is. If you want to leave, then leave. Find another place to live, pack your $h!t, and then leave. Get a lawyer, draw up some papers, and have her served. If you're really concerned about pushing her over the edge, then move out when she's not there. It will be easier for her to discover that you're gone than it will be for her to see you walk out the door. No matter how you do this, the pain is unavoidable. She's going to hurt and so are you. I can't imagine what the two of you have been fighting about every day for the past year, but I suspect that it may have something to do with the two of you having different expectations from your marriage. You wife may have been attempting to change you to fit her expectations of a husband, and she may also be guilty of behaving like her mother. You play a part in this as well. My point is that the two of you could benefit from some marriage counseling. You should give it a shot. Your relationship clearly isn't working by doing things your way... Why not apply some practical knowledge to your situation?
2016-05-21 23:59:12 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you mention the housework and you say you end up feeling like you are doing way more than her... I have a quick question... have you ever lived on your own between your parents, roomates, and your wife? If you did, was your place clean? Many men I know don't understand how much stupid work a house needs to stay clean. Even baseboards and walls need to be washed once in a while.
I don't blame you for hating sales. I say if you don't like it, get out now or at least look for some other job with equal pay in the papers or online.
Does she stay home or work as much as you? Do you overextend yourselves by living beyond your means (being honest- do you have a plasma tv, hot tub, car payments on a car that you really could have bought a used $9K to perform the same duties?)
Sex, well, once a week seems a little laggin', I'm sure you feel that way too. Have you tried to seduce her mid-week by doing something sweet and smooging her up? Is it her rule that it's once a week, give or take a few?
I don't know if you should tell her you're bored with the marriage... but you should bring up that you feel you need to work on the marriage because you don't feel as close/into it as you should and you want to maintain what you have. You guys can explore therapy, books to spark up things again... etc...
Your job, I have a feeling, has a large role in this. I commend you on supporting your family/kids.. however if you feel like it is killing you, seriously look for a new job.
I would do everything in your power to add some spice. Don't stand there and blame yourself, your kids, or her, just act with love and things will begin to fall in place.
God bless you and your family
2006-11-20 06:23:21 · answer #3 · answered by carlaerickson 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I disagree with everyone insisting that you HAVE to tell her that you're "bored". That will hurt her, and when you're married you don't say or do things that purposely hurt the other person. I understand craving excitement, and feeling that there is more to life. But excitement isn't everything. People often think that grass is greener on the other side and that is very often not the case. When you Wake up in the morning, try asking yourself what is one thing that can make your wife happy today? Put your energy into her and your family instead of daydreaming of what can be.
One other thing, I am sorry to hear that your wife thinks that sex a few times a month should make you content. Of course it wont. I highly recommend the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. Buy it for your wife. Hopefully she wont get all defensive about it, it is a terrific book and I PROMISE you that if she reads it you will not regret buying it for her. If she refuses, at least read it yourself. You'll realize that you're not alone in your slump, and it may help revive things for you. Good luck.
2006-11-20 06:28:10 · answer #4 · answered by carolyn 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't cost that much to go to Burger King, JUST THE TWO OF YOU, once a week. It also doesn't cost that much to take one class per semester. You can afford that and pay by the month. That's what marriage is. You are there through the changes of life and your spouse. She may feel bored too and you may become more interesting if you go to school or start something new. It doesn't take any money to go hiking together or sit out by the lake and smooch once a week WITHOUT THE KIDS. You can do this. It is a mid-life crisis but there are things that you can do that don't cost much. Take up bowling on your own ( she get to do something too remember.) She can watch the kids once a week when you go to your ALL MALE bowling games and you watch the kids when you go to your book club. You get what I am saying. Good luck.
My parents were married for 50 years. They certainly didn't spend every moment together and had very little money. My mother was interested in politics and my father wasn't. My mother volunteered at fundraisers, etc and my father went to the movies alone because my mother couldn't stay awake for two hours. My father told my mother on his deathbed that she was beautiful and that she was the best thing to happen to him. You can do it!!!
2006-11-20 07:41:11 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Put it in different words... suggest doing more instead of saying you're bored. On that one day a week...make her beg for it...My husband would do something I really, really liked and I'd just about rape him for the next 3 nights to get him to do it again... Take a minivacation away from the kids...just the two of you (no kids!!!) ...Even if it's just an overnight trip. A friend of mine would take her husband for a night or two to the hotel at the airport!!! I asked what is there to see at the airport? She said, "Exactly...all of his attention is on me!!" You'd be surprised how much that allows you to be into each other...Sleep in the buff, for some reason, we always ended up having much more sex...(I think it's the body heat) Experiment, experiment, experiment.....can't say it enough. When she's not in the mood, be sympathetic, run her a bath and give her a massage. By the time my husband would finish the bath and halfway through the massage, I was all over him... I was surprised to see that I enjoyed things I said I would never do...Play with each other... a simple pillow fight produced child #3 for us...Forget about how much the other is doing...splurge and hire a housekeeper for a day...It's cheaper than a divorce...Make it a special day for her as well, send to her the salon to get her hair and nails done, buy her some kinky lingerie (something you like)..There's nothing wrong with you and you're not a jerk...evident by you even taking the time to ask for advice to spice up the marriage...this is a normal period in any marriage...you just have to know how and what to do to work through it...13 years??? You've obviously been doing something right...Sounds like you're a great guy wanting more in his marriage....Hope this helps....Be encouraged....HAVE FUN!!!
2006-11-20 06:31:51 · answer #6 · answered by stefani_m2003 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
this is a common problem with guys our age but before you give up why not try this.
be more romantic you dont have to spend money to do this, leave her little love notes where you know she will find them, bake her a cake and write a personal message on it in icing, go for a walk and hold hands. ANYTHING will work just let her know how special she is to you (this will work wonders for you in the bedroom). tell her how you feel and emphasize that you dont want it to end you just want it to get better. she may be feeling the same way, and she may have some suggestions on how to make it better. or find a hobby that you both can enjoy (winemaking is a lot more fun than it sounds and not that expensive all you need is the equipment (about 60 bucks) and some fruit plus the wine may help in the bedroom as well) or read some poetry to each other you just have to get the spark back is all.
and dont forget the kids in all this find some family activities that you can do (family game night and such) this will bring you all together as a unit and make you closer. ppl dont grow apart they up (and growing up isnt fun).
as far as the job goes she should support you in your pursuit of something better afterall more money for you is moremoney for the family and then you could spend a little money on fun
2006-11-20 06:39:31 · answer #7 · answered by benjamin b 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, I don't think it's a mid life crisis. Does she work too? Alot of men are turned off by a woman who is not able to handle pressure the way that they are. It's not your fault the way she is but just be sure that you are treating her nicely. Sometimes if you relax or let loose a little then she would also. Other than that I don't see how you or your wife could go on with only having it once a week... she should be very thankful that you help out with the house hold chores. Have you tried talking things over with her?
2006-11-20 06:23:28 · answer #8 · answered by sassysouthernbell9900 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe your wife is feeling the same. If there is no communication between two people then what's the point.
You need to open up and tell her what your feeling without
making her feel its all her fault. Do some different things,
mail a card signed secret admirer, wild flowers, get a babysitter
yourself and surprise her with a nice meal, or take her out (somewhere different for you both) Alot of people think different places are expensive, but some really aren't)
Tell her your desire for a new career. If you talk (not yell)
maybe she'll talk too. Remember don't throw it all out at once.
Start with the smaller things and work up to the bigger things.
If your feeling like this, most likely she is too. I've been here...
And I started talking, things are 100% better.
2006-11-20 06:24:24 · answer #9 · answered by ward6359 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That my friend is the Million Dollar question. You're in a classic domestic tedium. You have a few choices:
Leave her and your kids: You'll tear the family apart and wind up in worse financial shape. You'll have more excitement, dating and possibilities and may even make both of you more happy in the long run.
Have affairs: find your excitement where you will, downside: Getting caught, guilt, bigger problems, STD's and pregnancy. Also she could cheat too, and expensive!
Tough it out: Stay in your misery and boredom until the kids are out of the house: Wasted life, heartbreak when you leave.
Sort it out: Tell her that you want more, tell her that you have dreams, plan a time with no kids, even if you drop them off somewhere, take time to recognize what you felt about each other in the past. Look for romance in your home, Get therapy!
More than likely she is just as bored as you are, she has dreams and disappointments too.
Good Luck!
2006-11-20 06:21:32 · answer #10 · answered by badslaw 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think it's pretty common to have those feelings. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Maybe you should initiate something to spice things up....and I don't just mean sex. It's possible to do things that don't cost money. Explore that a little more. If you really want to get into a different career, maybe you could try checking things out in the evenings. Does she work? Maybe you could try trade babysitting with friends or family to give you and your wife some alone time. I've been married for 21 years and it seems every so many years, life gets stale.......keep smiling.
2006-11-20 06:18:05 · answer #11 · answered by sandy_in_bc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋