Adult in need of friends--what do I do?

Question

I'm 30 and my life has never been worse.

I live in a city where I know almost nobody except my boyfriend, whom I live with. I am lonely and need some other friends besides him, since it's not fair to count on one person for everything. I'm not a person who makes friends easily--usually a good one comes along every 5 years or so, so it took me a lifetime to build up 5 or so people I really love and trust. I have been moving around a lot the last 5 years or so, so I don't have any good new friends and I've grown apart from my old ones since we're 3000 miles apart. I'm also depressed, and because of that, have low self-esteem (but I have no problem opening up to people once I get to know them).

The main problem with making friends when you're depressed is that you don't want to be a downer or clingy, but you can't get rid of the depression until you have a good support system. Catch 22. What should I do? Please do not say church, because I am not religious and never will be.

How do I overcome shyness and be upbeat when I'm such a wreck so I don't scare new people off?

Answer 1

Well you could meet them at church. I'm just kidding. Really it depends on what you are into. Now the second part is that you want to be more outgoing and upbeat, and that's the hard part.

You have to first find something that you like to do regardless of what else is going on in your life. If you know of what it is you can meet people through that. And if you are doing something you like your real personality will come through. If you are just doing something to meet friends well then that in itself becomes a job and you aren't acting like yourself and any friends you meet will like the person that you aren't and not necessarily the person you are.

Suggestions
If you like to read, you could always join a woman's book club. Any moderate to large city should have one. And I'm hoping that if you love to read that you would be able to go to the club and be focused on the books, that way your real personality would come out.

If you like to play pool or bowl or throw darts. You could join a pool team, bowling team or dart team. Almost any bar or pool hall or bowling alley sets up leagues on their slow nights to get customers in the door. I myself play pool leagues in minnesota and am friends with hundreds of people because of it.

Answer 2

I know exactly how you feel. You've pretty much described me to a T (minus the boyfriend). I pretty much have no one and it's the lonliest feeling the the world. But one thing that really helped me out in the self-esteem and depression area was getting a therapist and getting on anti-depressants. I don't know if that would help you, but it definitely helped me out a lot.

As far as making friends goes, I wish I had advice for you. I look around at other people and they seem to make friends so easily. I don't know how they do it. One thing I do know though is that you can not hole yourself up in your house or room and expect people to come to you. You have to get out and put yourself in positions to meet people. As scary as it seems, you have to do it!

Do you work at all during the day? I get invited to stuff with coworkers sometimes and often turn them down because of my shyness and fear of them not liking me, but that's probably preventing me from making some friends. I love to read so someone recommended I join a book club to meet people since we'd already have that in common. Maybe try finding something you like to do and join a club. Or take a class at a local college or volunteer somewhere. Maybe get a part time job and just randomly ask people if they'd like to hang out.

Answer 3

Well, the good 'ol Internet can be a start. Look for local chat rooms and talk to people who live nearby. I can see the catch 22 you're stuck in. I know a woman just like you, when she gets a friend it gets very exclusive and they're inseperable. You already realize the associated pitfalls with that. But, it's who you are. I do hope you're treating your depression. As a paramedic, I know how consuming and hopeless it can seem at times. You can get in way over your head, and help is just a phone call away. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Go to church. LOL. My spouse and I play games online and also use instant messenger. We have made some really good friends this way. We have friends as far away as britain , france , canada, and all over the U.S. We may never get to see them, but we get to talk to them nightly through our headsets while we play online. Before we know it 2 or 3 hours have passed. The best part is we get to talk for free. It may sound silly to most people but my spouse and I each have a Playstation 2 and we play the SOCOM games online through the playstation. It hooks up to our computer and whenever we start playing we can talk to any or all persons in the game that we are playing. It's fun.

Answer 5

I'm a loner by choice, but everyone needs a friend or two, even me. I lke to read, so I go to the library and Books-a- Million and meet people there. It's a book store, but they have a cafe, and open mike nights for singers and poetry readings, depending on what night you go. It's a good place to meet people. The library sponsors book clubs, and writing clubs, too. Of course you can meet people on the web, but sometimes you want to hear a real voice, I know. Good luck.

Answer 6

yeah i seem 2 have the same situation as u..actually i think a lot of ppl do these days..but u have to interact w/ ppl no matter how hard it seems at first..make small talk.. becasue if u like ppl first then they will like u and if u cant get urself 2 do that then just give a little compliment because that usualy works evertime..good luck hun

Answer 7

Try to find happiness by yourself. It's the only solution. What do you do to make yourself happy, and why would another person make you happy? Just try to have some fun alone, and when people see that you are a fun person to be around they might want to be friends with you.

Answer 8

You must not be defined by somebody else.

By this, I mean that you are not a 'wash tag' attached to your boyfriend. You are an intelligent and caring person in your own right.

You must begin to believe in yourself, that you are worthwhile,
that you can have friends in common with him or totally on your own, that you are intelligent and clever and have something to contribute to a relationship with him or with separate friends.

If you are nothing but his sexual relief, he can do that with his hand.

Stand up and be proud of yourself.

Answer 9

Church is the last resort if you are shy . You don't have to be religious to go to church. Just go in , for once, sit it, and soon , people will approach you instead . They will have to (=
Take care, and God Bless.

Answer 10

Go out and mingle, go out and try new things. Go to the movies, just start speaking to people and more often then none, conversations can get started just from you speaking to another person...