should I leave my wife because I can't stop thinking about her past?

Question

One drunken night my wife told me about the men in her past and now I can't forget what she said, it makes it hard to have sex because thats what I think of her with other men I think it is destroying us.

Answer 1

I totally understand your situation. I met a WONDERFUL guy who I thought was my Mr. Right. I told everyone I knew that I couldn't believe how lucky I was. I put him on a pedestal, as everything he did lead me to believe he was perfect. Later, information was divulged about his sexual past, which included multiple partners at once, different races, drunken one nighters, cheating, and barely over the legal age partners. He was out to get it any way he could - true 'player' to the root.

I was shocked, disgusted and appalled! I was brought up very differently, and although he wasn't my first by far, I didn't do any of these shameful actions. I began to see him very differently and it really affected our relationship. I didn't want him to touch me, after knowing what he'd done, and also didn't think our sex life would ever measure up to his past free-for-alls. Then the mistrust set in. I felt hurt that I believed him to be one way, and then find out he was something altogether different. I'd even make snide comments like 'yeah, you'd do that just like you 'did' everyone else' to hurt him like I was hurt.

Then, one day I realized, that was all in his past, and how far he'd come from the days of debauchery, to being with me. I'm the one who put him on the pedestal, not him. Who the hell was I to judge his past - we've all got one. Just because I find my past normal, maybe he'd think it appalling. No one likes to hear that their lover shared moments of love and intimacy before them, no matter who they are. It just plain hurts. I realized that he was still the loving, caring man I'd met - that hadn't changed at all, and he still loved me just as much as he had before I found out. It took a while, but I let my love for him overtake all the bad feelings I had, and began to love him again. Don't let it get the best of you - let it go and see her for the beautiful, wonderful woman you married and not her past.

Best of luck!

Answer 2

Hi - you fell in love with your wife for so many reasons. Why don't you think of those things - maybe even start writing them down. Now think about this, part of the reason you fell in love with her was because her past shaped her into the person she is today.

Have you spoken honestly with her about what you are feeling? About the images you see in your head and the thoughts that are running through your mind? If you do have these conversations give her time to think about her response and keep an open mind that this is a healing process for the both of you. Please try to help her feel okay with who she is today even though her past may have shocked you.

Remember something, she didn't marry those other people. She married you! That must mean that you satisfy and please her in many ways. Probably more ways than you ever imagined.

Do you pray? Do you know God? Are you familiar with the scripture that reads:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres.

I would say, take your thoughts captive and concentrate on those things that are good about your wife. Meditate on this scripture or any other that you feel will help shape your healing. Every time you get the negative images & thoughts decide (that is something you can do) to not concentrate on them.

I don't mean to say you can push these feelings under the carpet and forget about them but decide that the thoughts about your wife will be those of the love you have for who she is today and this is partly shaped by her past.

Pray, pray, pray for God to show you why this is bothering you so much and for him to heal your thought life and heart.

Answer 3

LET IT GO MAN or you will be sorry. You have a past too? What if you told her intimate details of the PERFECT woman you would like to be with, a sexual dream you had with your sisters best friend etc;......should you be held accountable for it? That would make her feel inadequate etc; if who-ever you fantisize about was better looking, cuter, built better etc;.
Her past makes you feel like your second fiddle, or you think she is less of a good woman or something. Guess what, if she knew what you thought, what you have done etc; she would feel the same way.
She hasn't done anything wrong and you need to let it go. She wants you and only you now. That is all that matters. Don't ruin your relationship on BS...............!

Answer 4

Her past is her past and it shouldn't be held against her. I'm sure you have a couple of skeletons in your closet too!

Try going to counseling to help you forget the images in your head, but do not leave your wife. Everyone makes mistakes and if you loved her enough to marry her, you should love her enough to realize that there's nothing she can do with her past. She's a different person now and she's your wife!

Answer 5

your thoughts about it are what is destroying it, we all have a past and things in our lives. that was the past and it is over with now, she wants to be with u, she should be able to tell u anything and feel safe enough and not worry u will leave her over her past. u should love her unconditionally and not be so judgemental about something that isn't even going on now, it is the past and needs to stay in the past. keep looking backwards and it will become the future. what u think will create your future and how u treat your wife.

Answer 6

I would certainly agree with the first lady.... what happened before you met her has no bearing on who she is now. Now, if she were cheating on you, well, that's another matter. For sure she made a mistake in sharing with you things that you now find threatening. But, sweetie, she's with you, and not one of those guys, so you are making mountains of mole hills, as they say. And besides, how was she supposed to recognize you as the prince unless she had a little experience.........??????Hummmmm? Seek some counseling, if you need to. She hasn't betrayed you nor your marriage. ..... she was simply indescrete in sharing some things with you that you are incapable of putting into proper perspective..... Bottom line here: get a grip, hon.

Answer 7

It sounds like you are destroying the two of you, because you are hanging on to her past. Haven't you ever heard that you live in the presence not the past? If she is able to put her past life behind her then I don't understand why you can't.I would bet that you have a lot of skeleton's in your closet that you don;t want to remember either. She was being honest with you. Why can't you just except it and let it go?

Answer 8

Do you somehow feel inadequate now? You shouldn't. I told my hubby every experience I had, just wanted to be honest and get it out there. He, however, did not divulge in his. It ate away at me, then I realized he is married to me, not them. Do not hold on to these feelings, they will just tear you apart if you do. If you feel you need more help to get over this, you may want to seek couseling, so you can move forward with your wife. If not, it will cause problems and may end in divorce...sounds stupid, but true. Good luck! :)

Answer 9

Grow up! If you and she are just now having this conversation, then you both need to work on your communcation skills.

As for your situation, everyone has a past. Leave the past in the past and go forward. If you want your marriage to work, then work on it and let it go!

Answer 10

Im sure you have a past.......like we all do. The main thing is why keep her past in your head when at one time in your past you did the same thing to. Everyone has a past! If you can't deal with it then next one you ever date will have a past......and the next and so on......