A little help for a friend?

Question

Ok, my friend wanted me to ask this question because she's a bit embarrassed and I told her I would. When she was younger, she used to play house and dress up with her friend across the street and they did kiss a couple times but that was it. They only played house and dress up a couple times and then her friend moved and they lost contact, now that my friend is alot older and wiser she told me that she feels a bit grossed out by what she and her friend did. I told her as long as it wasn't anything more she shouldn't feel guilty. They were young. She also told me that she was worried she could get in trouble for it but I told her that was nosense because she didn't do anything illegal and she should forget about this thing because i'm sure her friend has. Does anyone have any advice I could her? Please refrain from the "Oh gross" comments. Thank you.

Answer 1

There is nothing "gross" about this issue, so don't worry about that. Hey, what your friend did back when she was a kid, with a neighborhood friend was perfectly normal childhood developement behavior. It is normal for kids to become curious as a certain age and want to check things out, experiment with each other sexually. There truly is not any reason your friend should feel bad about this past action. Nearly every person on the face of the earth has done some level of sexual experimentation during childhood and adolescence. Some experiment more than others, but this is very normal behavior.

Now, this is normal behavior as long as both involved are within a two year age group together. As long as both are of a simular age. When one person is three years older than the other, well, then we are talking about molestation. If one party is three or more years ahead of the other participant, then it is molestation. This is the cutoff age as children grow at such rapid rates, one who is three years older is very much more developed than a child three years or more younger. The older child is then taking advantage of the younger child. It that is the case here, then your friend does have an issue to deal with.

Depending upon which of the two was the elder, your friend either needs counseling for being a victem of molestation, or if your friend was the elder, counseling for being a molester. It is difficult for anyone to deal with childhood issues. It is difficult to bring the past back to life and then deal with it in a healthy manner. However, it is vitally important that any such childhood issues be dealt with as unresolved childhood issues will affect adult life for as long as they remain unresolved. It is healthy to deal with such issues; it is unhealthy to leave them unresolved.

With that said, only your friend can know how old each of them were and wether or not there is anything which needs dealing with emotionally. If they both were within two years of each other, you can tell your friend this is perfectly normal behavior and all children engage in experimentation. It is normal developemental behavior and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Now, if your friend was more than two years younger than the other person, then your friend was molested and needs assistance in dealing with these unresolved issues, healing and put it behind her. It could take as few as one meeting, and as many as she needs to resolve this within herself and put it behind her. If she was molested she has nothing to feel ashamed of, she was a victem of an older and more experianced kid. There is no shame in being taken advantage of, she was too young to truly have had any choice in the matter. If she was the one who was older than the other child, then she has unrelsoved issues of molesting a younger child, or taking advantage of the lessor developed and experianced child. Now, I am speaking hypothetically here, as I do not know what your friends age was or the age of the other child. So, when I speak of molestation, it is only if she was more than two years older than the other child. Even if she never repeated this behavior, she would have to confess to some person what she did and then work through the issue and come out the other side with self forgiveness.

Children often participate in behaviors that they never repeat as adults. Just because a child committed molestation of a younger child, or did some other sordid behavior which is not ecceptable, does not make them a bad person, just a kid who made a bad choice which happened to harm somebody else. When a child knows they harmed another child, in the event of not being caught and brought to account, it leaves a feeling of having committed a transgression which shames them and remaines unresolved within them as an adult. This unresolved issue will affect them all their adult life if it is not dealt with. A person deals with such issues by bringing the behavior out of the darkness and shadows, and confessing to another person, and if possible, making amends to the one they harmed. Very few have to know what transpired all those years ago, just the ones involved and a counselor if one is chosen to assist in the issue. I find that using a third party who is not involved in any way, who can take a concilitory part, helps in the healing process to a great extent. When a professional is there to help sort out the emotions and help bring closure it brings about reconciliation within the person much quicker than working on it alone. Plus, when we confess to a third party we relieve ourselves of a "dirty" secret which has been holding us down since the incident occurred all those years ago. It lightens ones life when we tell another what happened. A counselor is a great choice as counselors will not react with distaste or horror, but rather react in ways which are conducive to true healing and help bring about self forgiveness.

Now, I am not saying your friend did anything wrong, I don't know the ages she and the other child were when this event took place. Only she can know that information. To bring this to a close, I will repeat the main points I wish to make here. If she and the other child were within two years of each other in age, this issue is a non-issue, as this is normal behavior and healthy developmental activities. There is nothing for her to feel ashamed of. If she was more than two years younger than the other child, then she was a victem of molestation and needs some assistance in coping with it, healing and putting it behind her. If she was the one who was older than two years, then she committed a child aged act of molestation and needs to confess the action, try to make amends if possible to do without further harming the other person, and finding self forgiveness. An act such as this in childhood is not the same as it being committed in adulthood. We all make mistakes when we are growing up and we simply are not as accountable due to the fact we are not fully developed, emotionally, mentally, and socially. Finally, she should consider going to a counselor for assistance in dealing with this issue if it was not within the normal parameters of age appropriateness. Counselors are great at assisting adults who have unresolved childhood issues. They are great at being non-judgemental, and at assisting adults in resolving those issues in a healthy manner. Also, I reccomend your friend look up law in her state, regarding the statuate of limitations regarding molestation when one is a child. Look into her states laws on the age difference when this sort of behavior changes from normal childhood behavior into molestation. If there is no statuate of limitations on this in her state, then she will need to make the decision of accepting culpability under the law and do what she must in order to truly put this behind her, or to keep quiet and find a method of dealing with it alone. I suggest she go to the local law library and looking this up. That is if she was more than two years older than the other child. A counselor is only required to report issues where a person is currently harming another, or is a immediant threat to another, or is an immediant threat to themselves. With this information your friend can decide if she should see a counselor and receive the assistance she needs to heal and place this behind her. Sometimes we must make difficiult decisions in order to resolve issues which are impeding our personal growth and getting in the way of our happiness. When we know we have done a wrong to another person, even if it was years ago, and we have never had to deal with it, it is like a sore which never heals in our soul. When it is something which is also against societal laws, then we have to make the difficult decision of whether or not we can cope with the consequences of telling the truth and taking our medicine, or punishment. When we are strong enough to confess even in the face of the possibility of our laws holding us accountable, we make great strides in personal growth, and we put issues which were impeding our growth, affecting our daily lives as adults, and finally bring closure and healing for ourselves and the person we harmed. Usually if this was something committed as a child, and is voluntarily brought to light by the offending individual, the legal consequences can be very minor if any is present at all. It is something an individual should look into, and then with the help of a counselor decide if it is neccasary to take further steps in the quest of putting this at rest, receiving healing and obtaining growth.

One final comment: If your friend did commit an act of molestation while she was a child, please tell her that she needs to find a way of understanding children are not fully developed and as such are not as accountable for actions committed at such young ages. Have her think back to how she viewed the world and what her thought processes were at fifteen, sixteen, and compare them to how she views the world and her thought processes at the age she is now, or even at the age of eighteen, twenty, twenty five, than when she was a child. The differences are major, hugely different. She needs to understand this and come to some peace within herself about the act she is degrading herself and beating herself up over. She simply was a child who made a mistake, a forgivable mistake and come to peace within herself.

Thanks for bringing this question to Yahoo! Anwers, and allowing me an opportunity to provide some feedback about it. I feel so strongly about how childhood transgressions are taken so out of context and are judged as though the child were a fully developed adult, with all the skills, forsight and abilities a fully developed and mature adult has to work with. Children simply do not have that same ability and we as adults need to recognize this and stop trying children as adults. This behavior not only throws away children, it establishes a unattainable standard in which adults judge their own childhood behaviors against. This is extremely damaging and holds back personal growth. I stand firmly against our current societal behavior of throwing away children in our criminal justice system. Children at age fifteen and sixteen are simply not adults and should not be tried as such. It is heinous and criminal to do so, in my opinion. We went from one extreme to another in our atempt to find ways to hold young offenders accountable. Throwing fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen year old children into adult prisons is throwing them to the wolves, to be abused and tortured by adult hardened criminals. That is more punishment than any child deserves, regardless of the crime committed. I am horrified by this behavior our society is engaging in, and we are shamed in the eyes of other "developed" countries.I do not see us as developed when we treat our children in such manners. That is not civilized behavior in any way, shape or form. We, as a society, need to find preventitive methods, to stop these childhood crimes before they occur by stepping in at the home level and providing resources to families in distress. This is attainable and doable.

England has a social work system which provides one social worker for three to five familes. This level of work load makes it possible for the social worker to really bring resources to bear and provide the families with education, counseling, parenting skills, and monitors the state of the safety of the children in the home while doing so. They do not wait until it is too late to step in, they seek out the families at risk and provide needed assistance in elevating the enviroment to a level of health and safety in which children can stay in their homes and grow in healthy manners. When this is accomplished the rate of childhood crime is greatly reduced. As the rate of childhood crime is reduced, so too is the rate of adult crimes. When we step in at the level of childhood and break the cycle of neglect, abuse and other unhealthy aspects of home enviroments, we break the cycle of distorted and malformed adults who come out of such dysfunctional home enviroments. If England can do this then so to can we.

Sorry to have gotten a bit off subject, but this is an issue I feel strongly about. Your friend is simply not as accountable as she thinks she is. That is if she did committ an act of molestation while she was a child. She has every reason to find a method of healing and self forgiveness. As I said before, if both of them were within a two year age group of each other, nothing wrong occurred. It is normal and healthy developmental behavior to experiment sexually with other children in the same age group. There is nothing to feel ashamed about. If she or the other child was over the two year age span, then it is a difficult situation and needs to be resolved so she can find inner peace and attain growth. This is doable, and I encourage her to take the steps needed to attain it.

You are a good friend to bring this issue before Yahoo! Answers in the quest of finding out answers for your friend. She is lucky to have such a caring and concerned friend. Good friends are few and far between, so she is very blessed to have such a friend in you. Bless you for wanting to help her and I wish you the best life has to offer. Good luck and much success in aiding your friend in resolving this issue and bringing about peace and resolution for her.

Answer 2

While it's okay to feel embarrassed about something, she shouldn't hold it over her head as if it was a sin. She didn't do anything wrong so there is no need to focus on the past. You gave her excellent advice so I guess it's just going to take her some time to get over what she did. We all have things in our lives that we regret doing but we laugh at those rediculous things and move on with our lives. Your friend should consider doing the same.

Answer 3

I sense that the only reason your friend is feeling quilty is because she do have feelings for this person, after all it was her first kiss, though how young!
If she can't get in contact with this person, she should use the experience to move on, because there are other guys that may have the same or even better personality than,that person.
Honestly, she needs to let go, worrying would not bring him back!
God knows best and everything probably know they may not see the blessing, but eventually they would!

Answer 4

Sounds like what I will call puppy love and it went no where other than a childish kiss. Needs to forget it . What was wrong with it.
Nothing... Put it to rest and forget it.

Answer 5

C'mon. She's being immature. Me and my friends experimented a little more. We actually showed each other our privates. Tell her to get a grip and that there's nothing to worry about . It happend too long ago for her to get in trouble. That's nothing!

Answer 6

nomatter she kissed with whom, she was a kid and thats all! Its not wise to think too much in it!"whenever you are guilty about a thing which you can't repair just say i don't care" what would happen at the most? NOTHING!!!

Answer 7

it's not that bad you were young don't look back on your life look forward it all happened in the past!! trust me me and my friend did the same thing!!! but we don't care we laugh about it today!!

Answer 8

I don't know what to say to that so ask someone else. On second thought, I will say that if it is a boy, it's normal. if it is a girl, it is too early for that.

Answer 9

she was little. tell her that it was just something that happened that they were little kids sometimes little kids do that