My wife has a 'special friend' whom she kept secret from me for years, what do i do?

Question

My wife has had a secret relationship going on with a guy for nearly 3 years & i found out about it. She swears that it is friendship only but that he is very special to her & she won't give him up even though our marriage & family is at stake because of it. She says there are many reasons why she chose not to tell me about him (& why he didn't tell his wife either) most of which seem to revolve around her feeling that i wouldn't have tolerated it in the first place so she decided not to bother facing the objection. She expects me to put all the lies & deception in the past & put up with their relationship now. I can't except that this emotional affair will continue & she won't stop it. Any thoughts?

I've tried the 'i want to meet him' & she won't do it (probably just as well). I can't make him talk to his wife & she won't put him under any pressure to do it himself. I don't object to her having male friends, i object to being lied to & decieved after spending 15 years together & i'm not into the swinging thing, thanks for all your input so far though!

Answer 1

she appears to be protecting his heart and safety more than she is yours. i would never put up with it, how do u know it's just an emotional affair? their are trust issues here, and if she won't stop it means she cares more for him than she does u. she feels this relationship is more important than her marriage, doesn't sound like it's purely an emotional one. not much u can do about it, but decide if u really want this other man in your marriage, you must already feel betrayed. ask her if she would consider therapy, if not than i don't see and real good future with her, unless u are willing to just turn your back and allow her to continue. but really what is that going to do to your self esteem? not to mention the resentment u will feel about this. sometimes even if we love someone, and we have done everything right, we still get heartbreak in our lives. the choice is yours, personally i could never live with someone who was deceitful, and untrustworthy, i would want a future and happiness, i would want to be certin i could trust my mate with my heart. but sometimes the heart wins over the mind, cause the heart is always stronger and we just have to allow that person to choose what they want and who they want. we have to set them free. if we try to keep someone from doing what they want it will only cause resentment later on.

Answer 2

One thing you have to understand is that you are probably the reason she never told you she had a friend. It doesn't mean that she has cheated on you or ever intended to. Some women like having someone of the opposite sex to talk to. If you are not understanding, then thats why it was kept a secret. You are actually the one making her chose between you & the family v. special friend.

1) Have you ever spoken to her friend before? If you didn't I would speak with him, just to ensure nothing is going on between him & your wife. Don't call him or approach him yelling b/c you will not get anywhere.
2) If you never spoken to your wife's friend, is your wife nervous about you finding something out from him? The way I see it is if they are both married then really they both could have an affair without their spouses knowing, as long as they keep it to themselves. I would tell him, Why would you sleep with my wife if you knew she was married? A question like that makes it seem as if she has told you and you are just wondering why. A tricky question for him.
3) If you want to stop the relationship/friendship, call his wife and tell her whats going on. The only thing about this is that if his wife leaves him, he's might go chasing after your wife to hook up. But on the other hand, his wife might forbid him any relations and then your wife will have no choice but to stop being friends with him.

It's tricky because your wife might truly be sincere and truthful when she tells you they are just friends. But b/c they are both married and have partners, they would lie for each other. So good luck.

Answer 3

She is a liar then and she is a liar now. She is still not telling you the whole truth. She has had sex with this guy and is trying to only admit the minimum necessary. If she won't put you and the family first, then there is your answer. She won't leave, which puts you in the position to force the situation...another way to deflect the hardship on to you. If you kick her out, then it is you who decided to split, when it was she that decided to jeopardize the family by her actions. Does this guys wife now also know about this? If she is going to keep secrets like this, then of course you aren't going to tolerate an untrustworthy relationship. My thought is that she needs to admit the whole thing, then go and decide what she wants, but she can't have both. Secondly, if she wants to stay with you, you have to decide if you can get past it. I couldn't. Despite how it may affect the family, it would be over. She betrayed you and I couldn't make the relationship work beyond that.

Answer 4

If a woman has an intimate friendship with another woman, and tells her all her problems, dreams, secrets, ect,... they're considered really close friends...almost like sisters,... but if she has the same type of friendship with a man, she's having an emotional affair. Its a term I'm sick of,...and its a label too easily used by people to define male/female friendships simply because they're insecure about them.

Ask yourself something. Is she right? Would you have objected to her having a male friend if she'd told you about him from the beginning? It certainly sounds it ... so I can understand her need to keep quiet about it....in order to avoid conflict over something that doesn't effect your marriage....and to maintain a friendship thats become important to her.

However.... people do have affairs... and there's one sure way of determining just how valid your wifes friendship with this man is. Ask to meet him... be open and accepting, and make an effort to become his friend as well. If this is accepted by both your wife and this man.... then you were very wrong. If its not accepted, and one or both aren't willing to make an equal effort, then at least one of them has ulterior motives within the friendship. And you'll have your answer.

Answer 5

That is so wrong for her to do that. Where is the honesty and trust in this relationship. If there is nothing going on with her and this special friend then why could she not let you know about it? How would she have felt had that been you keeping a friend from her? What is really sad here is she is picking her friend over her marriage. By her doing it the way she is doing it she is cheating on you. but at the same time every body has their own version of what cheating is. My version of cheating is anything that you can't say or do in front of your mate is cheating, but also there is more to the saying than this, but this part is the only thing that applies to you and your case right now.

Answer 6

Man, I'm going threw the same BS. The difference is my wife's "special friend" were several ex boyfriends. Others here have stated it's no big deal but at the same time admitted their spouses were aware of it.

That's the difference, they already were aware. Your wife's deception proves she was being unfaithful to you. Not telling you is one problem and not being willing to stop is the other.

Try a counselor and burn out if she will not stop. She's not worth the stress dude. It might be too late anyway. Once a cheater has been caught they will just try a little harder not to get caught the next time.

Answer 7

honesty is the best policy in any relationship and it does sound a bit seedy her keeping this a secret for as long but you know it could be inocent , but what you need to look at is why she did not tell you in the first place is it because you would go off on one or is it because she had something to hide? you need to find this out first before you make any decisions. but now it is in the open why not get her to let you both meet up with this guy and see just how they are together if it is just a friendship then i cant see why they would object to this. good luck i hope you can work through it .

Answer 8

If she has been seeing him for 3 years then it either is just a friendship as she states or she is having recreational sex. What I mean by the use of those words here is that she obviously has not fell in love with him as she is still with you. So in your mind worse case scenario is that she is having sex with him. I don’t see that as a marriage ending event but so many people put the act of sex in restricted little boxes that they never will understand the joy of multiple partners. Ask her if she wants to do a 3 some with her friend and you? Maybe invite his wifey also. You only go around once don’t let a little thing like recreational sex get you down.

Answer 9

Sometimes getting attached to someone on an emotional level is worse then on a physical. You are mentally attached to that person. It sounds to me that your wife and your wife's friend kept this relationship a secret because they were both feeling guilt. It sounds as though your wife is adamant on keeping this man in her life with or without your ok. Could your wife be missing a friendship connection with you that she is getting from this man? I think you need to talk to your wife and find out what the big attraction is to this guy?? Why is she so (addicted) to him?? Once you find that out you can work on your relationship with her and try to make it stronger. In the mean time let her still be friends with him but keep a close eye on her and ask questions. Stay strong and just you posting this question shows you really care about your wife and I hope she appreciates you!!!

Answer 10

It sounds to me like a lot of trust has been broken. As a wife, with a very close male friend (who I actually dated before meeting my husband) I would suggest you encourage her to break off the relationship. I would never NEVER keep something like that a secret from my husband. My husband is the #1 man in my life, as a husband should be to a wife. He is my best friend, and not any other guy. If there was nothing wrong with the relationship and she doesn't feel that it is wrong to be emotionally involved with him she wouldn't have covered up the friendship for so many years.