should I get therapy?

Question

The other day I was asking someone why it is that I am always getting so hung up and attached to guys that I have just met and like. The person told me it was probably because when I was young I would cling to a man and use it as a defense mechanism to get out of my problems. I thought about it and it made since because if I was ever upset I would always run to my papa to save me. Now it has carried over into adulthood. I guess I am looking for a white knight,someone to save me,a wonderwall I guess you'd call it. It's like I meet certain types of guys I click with and I get attached to them too quickly. It's almost always the ones with the bad boy type image. Also I have the urge to take care of them and nurture them. What the piss is wrong with me? When will I get my head out of the clouds?

no mikey ya crazy nut

Answer 1

Maybe you would get some kind of better understanding or perspective if you talked to someone about this. It is apparently something you keep doing over and over, so why not see if you can understand yourself a little more and stop repeating the same thing with men.

Contrary to what someone else on here has said, the healthiest and normal thing for a woman is to want to build herself into a strong, independent, autonomous, individual before getting involved in any serious relationship. Well adjusted men are interested in women who are strong, solid, and not needy. The ideal relationship involves two well adjusted, non-needy, individuals who just like to be together and who take care of one another.

Because you say you get attached to them (plural) too quickly it would seem as if you're not so much attached to the individual and his personality as you may be to having a relationship with him.

If you decide not to go with therapy you may want to try reading some decent books about relationships and love and women with self-esteem. I don't mean some "OTC" paperbook that any-old-body wrote and that is sold at the supermarket. I mean go to the library or look up some legitimate sites online; and see if you can get some insight about yourself and relationships by reading.

If you got attached to one guy really quickly it could just be that you clicked with that one, special, guy. If you're getting attached to everyone to quickly it isn't the guy you're attached to. Being attracted to "bad boy" types isn't the healthiest thing either. Wanting to take care of someone could just be part of your personality, but sometimes there's something "underneath" with wanting to take care of people more than is "standard".

I'm no psychologist, so I'm purely offering nothing but guessing here; but it strikes me that if you're attracted to bad boys while also looking for someone to save you (from what I don't know) it would seem as if you don't have faith that a nice guy would be capable of "saving you". It seems as if you don't have faith that a nice guy can be strong. Then if you have the urge to take care of them and nurture them it would seem as if you either like the challenge of taming a bad boy or else want to mother the troubled bad boy (which would then put you in a sort of dominant role). Maybe, though, the urge to nurture and take care of is nothing more than your seeing that as part of being in a relationship; and maybe that's part of your apparent strong need and wish to be in a relationship rather than not in one.

I wonder if your conflicting attraction to bad boys/urge to nurture them could be some version of passive/aggressiveness?

Is there any chance that you have things in your life and about you you don't like, and you've incorrectly concluded that a relationship is the thing that will fix everything (or else let you off the hook when it comes to your needing to put in some effort to fix something things in your own life)? Some people think money will fix all their problems. Some think losing weight or getting a nose job will fix all the problems. Is a relationship the thing you've put too much emphasis on?

Do the bad boys give you a little excitement in an otherwise too-tame or boring life? Do you get to kind of live vicariously through them while not compromising your own values or maybe kinder nature?

I don't think you head is in the clouds. That would imply that you're just such a romantic you can't get real. I don't think that's it. I think you're at least a little needy and maybe a little bored with yourself or your life. Maybe, too, you don't have either the self-esteem or else emotional maturity to think you can build a good life for yourself on your own.

I think your father may not have encouraged the idea that being independent is the way to be. Maybe, too, you learned from that relationship that love is about saving people. Maybe you admired your father's saving you so much you thought, "I'm going to be just like him" and have come to see that saving people is part of a relationship (when it isn't supposed to be).

Maybe you're not only looking for someone to take the role of your father when it comes to saving you or nurturing you, but you've taken on that role yourself. Maybe it isn't that you see the bad boys as strong. Maybe you see them as needing saving. Maybe its both. Maybe you see the well adjusted, solid, nice, guy as not needing saving or mothering/parenting.

Maybe, too, you were so comfortable being in the relationship with your father you never learned how to be comfortable not having that type of thing. Maybe you placed so much emotional investment in being in such a sure relationship you "learned" to be so used to it that not having it makes you uncomfortable. (I'm getting over the loss of my 15-year-old cat, who died five weeks ago, and even though the responsibility of caring for her later in her life had become kind of demanding I got so used to it that now I'm extremely uncomfortable to be "free as a bird".) We get used to a set of things involving our emotional energies, and getting used to change is tricky.

You don't mention your mother, but maybe you modeled your view of love and relationships on some of her behaviors too. Either you did "they're both like...." or else you did "she's like this/he's like that/I want to be (or don't want to be) like this..".

It almost seems to me as if you're both looking for a replacement for your father's version of a relationship and also BEING your father when it comes to relationships. Maybe, though, you're looking for something that would recreate your father's relationship with your mother or something like that?

I don't think your head is in the clouds. I think your feet are stuck in the muck of whatever you "established" in childhood with regard to what love and relationships are supposed to involve.

Maybe if you're uncomfortable in not having the kind of thing you had going with your father what you want that white knight to save you from is just that discomfort? Maybe what you need to do is build yourself into someone you like and trust and give yourself the respect to realize you don't need anyone to be happy or comfortable. Sure, a relationship is nice if/when one comes along with the right person; but you need to learn to find things that help define you and nurture you, as a person; and you need to find ways to enjoy being independent. Maybe you need to re-think what you believe (in your head) a relationship should be and how important it is and what you feel (with your hidden emotions) it should be.

I once read that when it comes to relationships people either have fear of engulfment or fear of abandonment. Which would more be you? Any chance you feel smothered by your father's not encouraging your independence, and your attraction to bad boys may assure that you won't be engulfed? Any chance instead that you somehow felt abandoned by either losing your relationship with your father (through even just growing up), so you have the urge to nurture and make sure someone you go out with doesn't feel abandoned? Or - is there any chance you kind of know that the bad boys (who don't threaten to engulf you in your perception) also are people you know won't like being nurtured and taken care of (which could be your way of REALLY making sure you don't get engulfed in the relationship because you may know you can drive them away)?

Is there the chance you're really uncomfortable without the sureness of being in a relationship but you're also too uncomfortable about being engulfed once in the relationship? Or the other scenario is being uncomfortable without the sureness of a relationship but (if you have fear of abandonment rather than engulfment) you think bad boys are strong enough and that you need to do things for them to keep them?

There is also the thing that maybe you want someone who is different from your father because maybe you came to think that your father was so nice and so kind and so helpful he didn't come across as manly. Any chance you're taking your father's role but looking for someone who seems stronger?

Well, those are my non-expert guesses about what could be going on. Hope some of it gives you a starting point if you decide to do some reading.

Final thought: If you want a real relationship and real romance and magic the only way you'll really find that is by being well adjusted and solid yourself and finding someone else who is equally solid and well adjusted. Two well adjusted people have the luxury of bringing their relationship to a more romantic and magical level because they aren't all mired down in the muck of "issues" they each have and have between them.

Answer 2

I dunno....life is what you make of it I guess...I mean...your dealt the cards and you play your hand...I remember not to long ago there was sort of a therapy addiction going on where everybody had to have a therapist...I would hate to see that revisited...I don't think you have any serious mental illness...I wouldn't suggest a psychologist or any therapy follow up...I have the equivalent of a masters in psych btw...in any event it sounds like your friend is trying to make a reasonable diagnosis...your dad prolly did protect you and you got used to that so you went to him for guidance...now your behavior has manifested itself in looking for someone much stronger than you are coz at the time thats what your father was and the closest you can get to is a "tough guy"....you've realized this behavior pattern and are now prepared to start the healing process....you've already seen a shrink in a sense...theres nothing more a therapist can do at this point except collect some coin...keep at it...talk it through...be aware of whats going on and how to make changes and adjustments and you will be just fine...

Answer 3

Instead of classical psychotherapy, I would recommend shamanic healing, a thing called soul retrieval. You might not believe in alternative therapies but the thing is that in this case it would really help. You can research on the internet and make up yout own mind. In addition: which would be more attractive to you - years in therapy while the problem continues or an almost instant change in old patterns?

Answer 4

Therapy would be a good idea.
Your papa always took care of you and now you want to take care of everyone, especially the bad boys.
You can't handle that right now.
Step back, learn what you can do and can't, drop out of the bad boys scene, and just get yourself together.
When you are ready, you can help a lot of people because you care about them.

Answer 5

I think your natural just like all women want a man to depend on a father, a husband or a boyfriend. But it seems you don't play it right. No man likes easy goings. We have a saying in Egypt: Easily found easily lost. Soon you'll find out that clinging to a bad boy is not what you want they're not reliable.

Answer 6

I got kicked out of therapy... Because the one I went to really discriminated me.
Now I'm paranoid about going to one.

If this is a big deal to you then go to one... Now the fact you're asking this question to the public and wanting complete strangers to tell you what to do in it's self is just saying something about you.

Answer 7

No, just watch more Sex and the City back episodes. All of what you described is solved in that show. You can rent all 6 series' at the local video store. It will clear up your problem in a jiffy.

Answer 8

Hahahaha! LOL! LMAO!!! Okay I needed a good laugh and that totally made me laugh. Thank you! =)

Answer 9

wanna cyber