How can I get over my abortion?

Question

About a year ago Dr's advised me to have an abortion. I found out I was pregnant while I was in the hospital because of a heart attack. My mom and my doctors both warned me of the risks in getting pregnant, they basically made it sound as if an abortion was the only option. My boyfriend agreed for other reasons. I feel like I never even voiced my opinion. He paid and I went I got it done. Right after I was sent to Mayo Clinic, hundreds of miles away from home for medical treatment and my boyfriend and I broke up. I am now so much healthier, physically. Mentally, I am a mess. I have been suffering from severe depression and cannot stop thinking about how I would have a little baby now if I hadn't gone through with it. I want a baby so badly. My boyfriend wants me to move back in with him. Am I wrong in wanting to do so, and wanting to get pregnant again??? If I do, will it help me from all the pain and regrets? If someone wants to help, there is a lot more to this story.

Answer 1

Time heals all wounds. Give yourself some time, but most importantly let yourself off the hook. It was not your fault. It was done for medical reason that were out of your control. Had you went to term, you and the baby could have, been in danger. I don't know how old you are, but it sounds like you still have time to have kids. Good luck.

Answer 2

My best friend had an abortion at the age of 17. She is now 33 and still was finding it hard to get over the hurt, shame, regret and depressed state she felt over it. Just this year, she became involved in a bible study for post abortion woman at the Sav A Life foundation. This was a 12 week process, and they encouraged her to deal with her feelings on the issue. She completed the study last week and is feeling so much better. She also met other woman who went through the same thing. They have become her support group and are all like sisters now. She feels very close to them and they all help each other deal with their feelings. She says the study was the best thing she could have ever done for herself. She also found that its been a much bigger issue over the years than she realized. I also went through the same thing as a teenager and she is encouraging me to do the same thing. I am looking into it and think it may be a good idea for you too.

As far as geting back together with your boyfriend goes, if you and he love each other and want to be together, I don't see a problem with that...but please don't do it with the intention of getting pregnant again. As a 34 year old mother of 3 children , I can tell you that will not take away the feelings you are having. Also, you said he agreed for other reasons. Were those reason that he didn't want to have a child? And if so, have those feelings changed? This is something you should think about before you get pregnant.

I suggest you try getting involved in a program to help you with your feeling and depression first. This may help you in more ways than you can imagine. I am willing to help in anyway I can. I've been there and understand what you are going through.

Good Luck.

Answer 3

First of all, I'm sorry for what you have been through. While I cannot completely empathize with your plight, I do feel for you.

Thankfully, as you said, you are in a much better place physically, which is fantastic. Congratulations for that.

Whilst I cannot empathize with your health issues, and everything you went through involving your pregnancy a year ago, I do know what it's like to be certain you are pregnant, and find out this isn't the case. The loss isn't exactly the same, but I know what it's like to be in a state of semi-happiness for a child, and then lose that joy.

None of us can say with any certainty whether or not you should move back in with your ex-boyfriend. Considering the fact that the two of you broke up during a difficult time--and even moreso if he left you at that point--it doesn't exactly sound like there was much compassion in that relationship. The fact that your relationship was that close to ending, shows that it was unstable. And the fact that he now wants to reunite, does not speak for it being any more stable now.

Now, onto the pregnancy. If you were in the hospital for a heart attack, and sent to the Mayo clinic thereafter, chances are you most definitely were NOT in condition to carry a baby to full term. I am sure that your doctors and mother had this in mind when they advised the abortion. There really are many risks in pregnancy, and with your weakened heart and immune system, neither you, nor the baby, would have had an easy 9 months. The baby might not have received the nutrients it needed, and your heart may not have been able to handle the strain. Aside from that, the fact that your relationship with your boyfriend was that close to the edge would have been most unhealthy for you, him, and any infant brought into that mess. As much as you may have wanted that child (it is innate within we women, that mothering instinct), I know that you realize it would have been a bad situation, and you wouldn't have been able to give your baby all that you would undoubtedly want to give.

If you *do* decide to get back with your boyfriend, I will wish you good luck. But please be certain not to try for a baby so soon. A relationship so tumultuous is no place for an infant, and if he feels pressured to stay with you because you are pregnant, he will harbor resentment toward you for it (I've had friends go through very similar situations involving difficult relationships, and newborn children). If the two of you can stick together for quite a while (and I'm talking at least a year, year and a half)..if you can support yourselves, with money to spare, and you BOTH agree that you want to start a family..then by all means, do so. But you owe it to yourself, and your potential children, not to do so otherwise. Always remember, having a relationship with this man, and perhaps getting pregnant with him again, will NOT make you forget what you've been through. This is something that requires true healing; you can't use an infant, hoping it will do the trick.

In the meantime, see if you can find a therapist. Depression after such a year is not surprising, but you don't have to go through it alone. Surround yourself with people who care, and talk through what you are feeling. Having a child won't ease the pain of what you've been through, but nurturing your mind will. Talk to people who care, (and, again, a therapist if you can)...write, take up some sort of art, any creative outlet...once you have worked through your pain, then you will be ready to start the next part of your life, and possibly, bring a new one into the world.

Good luck, honey...if you would like, feel free to message me sometime. I'll be sending good vibes your way.

Answer 4

Even when I don't agree with abortion I'll give you an advise. I believe that your family were worried for you and that's the reason they agreed with the doctor's opinion. About your boyfriend and you I can tell that you'd to look for a second and even for 3rd. opinion. Now here's no backwards jump, is time to learn from the past, Do you think to going back with a person who broke up with you when you most needed him? Part of this path had been because of him, if should felt more interested in your pregnancy to seek for different opinions, but he bent for the one that would released him from a big responsibility, fatherhood. Now that you are healthier and without the oncoming baby, for him is good to get back together. A man like that isn't a real man. In the way he acted shows that he'll leave you alone in every bad moment, just to wait for you to come of it by your self so for him to get back with you when you already had looked for the solution of the problem of the bad situation. So for me you boyfriend is nothing else than a immature and a irresponsible person. For you keep walking and seek for the opion of more than 2 experts in heart conditions and pregnancy, I'll give you the benefit of doubt by saying that may be your decition was made in a middle of a brain storming and your family, the doctor and the immature of your boyfriend talking all at the same time, besides that your phisical and mantal condition weren't the best. The best thing God made was a day after the other and 1 mistake done isn't enough to regreat life. You are alive and that's what matters now. Something else if you are able to have a baby, Would you have him/her inside the institution of matrimony? Isn't means that the man next to you will stay with you for the rest of your or his life, but inside the matrimony you have a lot of more rights and benefits than the mere act of living together. Good luck and I hope you can be a mother, I really do from the bottom of my heart.

Answer 5

I don't suggest moving back in with this guy. It will do nothing to help you get over the pain. You broke up with him and going back will only be taking two steps backwards when YOU need to move forward with your life. I KNOW there is alot more to this story, I had an abortion 31 years ago. You HAVE to allow yourself to heal and having him there, a constant reminder of your pregnancy is NOT going to help you heal. I don't suggest getting pregnant anytime soon. The only reason you want to right now is an attempt to "replace" the one you aborted and that will NEVER be possible. You will never be able to bring back the past which is exactly what you are attempting here and it can only serve to make your depression that much worst. Get AWAY from the situation, AWAY from this guy and if you can away from the town you live in and make a life for YOU. Let yourself have a chance to heal emotionally.

Answer 6

Have you gone to therapy? My friend had an abortion and she went through counseling and even goes to a support group. She went through a severe depression and still sometimes has the moments were she thinks about the fact that she lost her child, but she's finally moved on. She has in fact had a child and is married and happy but says she'll never forget the child that she aborted. The best thing you can do really is to talk to someone. My friend turned to me and I helped her through the abortion and the aftermath by just listening and not judging her when she needed to talk and wasn't in therapy or group.(There's a lot more to her story, too. I'm just going to get into it.)

As for moving back in with your boyfriend. Do you still love him? Or are you hanging on to the fact that you carried his child and hoping that it will happen again? I don't mean to sound rude, but if you have no feelings for him besides the ones you once had then there is no point in being together. I'd take it one step at a time. Date for awhile, if the feelings are still there and you want to move back in try it on a temporary basis. Move just enough to get by on and then slowly move all your things back if all is going well. BUT you are going to have to tell him about how you feel about having the abortion and the fact that you want to have a baby. If he's not accepting of the fact that you want to have a child then you need to move on. Please talk to him about it beofre you get pregnant. You don't want a bad reaction out of him after you are already pregnant. It won't be healthy for you or your baby to go through the stress of a breakup.

I'm not sure if moving back in with your boyfriend or having a baby will help you get past the pain and regrets. It could make them better, but in turn they could become worse also since you've never sought help the mental anguish caused by the abortion. You need to make sure you are in the best physical, spiritual, and emotional state for having a baby. If you need anyone to talk to, please feel free to email me.

Answer 7

I'm so sorry you have had so much to go through. I would reccommend some counseling, perhaps even group counseling with other women who have been through this. You need to learn to forgive yourself and perhaps they can help you do this.

I'm a little worried about the fact that your boyfriend and you broke up after the abortion and during your treatment; but he now wants to be with you. I don't know all of your personal details, but he doesn't sound to me like someone who will be with you through the difficult times in life. You deserve someone that can be counted on to be there "in sickness and in health." Any child you bring into being deserves this as well, don't you agree?

You have been given a second chance in all ways, please consider carefully who you choose to share that with and create life with.

My prayers and best wishes to you.

Answer 8

If the doctors advised it, it must have been a big health concern. Yes, it was ultimately your decision, but it was you against the world, and it must've been very hard. I don't think that anyone should "get over" their hard times because hard times make you stronger, and if you just brush it off, then you've suffered for nothing. I think it's fine to have another baby if you know you'll be able to take care of him/her. You can't change what's wrong with the past, so make the future right. But, first things first...




What you need to do is...

forgive yourself.

Answer 9

People say time heals all wounds, but most often that's a crock. My Mother had an abortion forty years ago and still regrets it and is in anguish about it to this day. She's been through therapy now, she's tried talking about it but mostly not talking about it. The baby boy would be 40 next month if he'd been carried to term, and she still misses him.

I don't know if you'll still feel the same way in 40 years, but for RIGHT NOW please, PLEASE talk to a therapist or counsellor or doctor or your mother or best friend -- someone!! It will eat you alive if you try to get through this alone like my Mother did. She didn't tell a soul about it (not even her own mother) for years. She didn't see anyone about it; just went through hell because she thought no one else could understand.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Be good to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Clearly you feel you've made a mistake. That's OK baby. The whole wide world and everyone in it makes mistakes. There are plenty of people out there who will "beat you up" in your life for all kinds of things. Don't YOU be one of them. Talk to someone you love. I mean a parent or a grandparent. Talk about how you are feeling and don't be afraid to ask for help. We all need help. I don't know your religion but many churches would be willing to listen to you and help you get through this tough time. There are counselors, and you may even ask your family doctor to help you find a group or some other therapy to ease your burden.You would be surprised how much it can help to simply talk about what you are going through and can see that the whole world isn't against you.
Here's something that might help you, its from the bible.
"God never gives you a bigger burden than he KNOWS you are able to handle." You can take this. You will get through it.
About moving in with the ex, I think you already know the answer to that one. Its not time. First you have to be you again. You have to have healed enough that you can forgive yourself, (If in fact you feel like you've made a mistake) You need time for that. No girl/woman/person should go into anything as serious as a relationship when she is under this sort of cloud. Theres nothing to gain for you. If you think someone else will make you whole, you're wrong. He won't. Only you can do that. But it takes some time. Be good to yourself. Get well, don't complicate things with big decisions. For a while take baby steps. Forgive yourself. Then when YOU feel whole... get back into life and enjoy it like yo deserve to. Like every woman does.
Time (and sometimes only time) Heals all wounds. Yours included. Take care of yourself. I hope everything works out for you, and I wish you every good thing in life.