i need some advice about my nephew who is 19. he and his mum always had a poor relationship,?

Question

he was always loved and looked after, but i must admit him and his mother had a cold relationship, but with her other 3 she was warmer and more loving,
he went to scotland to live with his father and join his business when he was 16 but he basically cocked things up up there and came back down to kent just after 18th birthday, without finishing his apprentiship and no real job prospects. since living back here i took him in as he was causing too much trouble with his mum. with me he worked for a few weeks then gave up, even though i know now his job was there as long as he was willing to work. he run up a bill on my phone calling mobiles, even though i had asked him not to use it for that. (my own two kids dont). because he didnt work he didnt pay me any keep. he wouldnt look for a job, even though local supermarket was empoying. he has just been kicked out of his digs and has used too many ppl so no one wants to help. more has happened but pls what can i do to change his ways

Answer 1

this is a very difficult situation, but it is clear that your nephew has difficulty in establishing and also maintaining occupations, relationships and any form of stability in his life. considering that he is 19 this may just be a rebellious phase, however these can also be signs and symptoms of drug abuse or the prodromal signs of schizophrenia. you need to talk to him openly,gently but firmly regarding his behaviour and if necessary go to his gp. i am sorry if this answer is upsetting to you but it is honest and frank, i also think a part of you knew that this was the case anyway and needed someone to confirm this. mark. x

Answer 2

I am afraid that others are right. He needs to be kicked out into the nearest lane, maybe he will learn.
At the same time, I suspect that he might be what could be called a "slow learner'' I liked to a point the idea that a male could help straighten him out, but if too far gone, even that would not work worth a cold fry up next day.
I have a cousin, now 30 that never learned, has spent time in jail, a lot of time, and has gone from bad to worse, and even more than that.
I am afraid you can not change him until he wants to be changed. There is something terribly wrong inside him.
Probably a nice job in the North of Scottland, on a farm, where he can't get in much trouble would help get his head clear, especially if the farmer had sons, and all were willing to thrash him senseless on occasion.
I feel sorry for you, your sister, and all young people in the family. I know how painful it can be first hand.

Answer 3

Don't let him use the phone. you can put a bar on calls to mobiles, and you might even be able to set a pin number. i dont' know. But call bt and ask what services they offer.

Tell him he is costing you a lot of money and ask him to get a job to contribute. If he doesn't re-emphasis that he is costing you money and then explain that you can't afford to feed him any more, because you are trying to pay off the bill he rung up. Lock food away, and eventually he will realise that he has to get a job.

Good luck! You are a good person for taking him in.

Answer 4

I'm now 23 but when I was about 17 I was the same, I lived with my dad, have done since my mum left when I was 8. I don't have the greatest relationship with my mum but I have the utmost respect for my dad for bringing me up. As I was saying when I was 17 I jacked in my job, my dad was & still is very strict, he gave me a month to get off my backside & find a job. I didn't! He kicked me out! I couldn't live with my mum as her husband wouldn't allow it so I was kipping on friends floors etc. I eventually found a job but I didn't go back to my dads, I moved in with my then boyfriend. Needless to say I learned my lesson but at the time I hated my dad for it!

You have to be cruel to be kind, if he isn't giving you any money why are you letting him live with you? You don't owe him anything, your own children respect you more than your 'guest'! Kick him out, he won't like it but he'll learn eventually & later on he will thank you for it. You're not doing him any favours, right now all you're teaching him is that life is easy as long as there's someone taking all the flack for you!

Answer 5

I don't think other than talking to him you can get him to change his ways, unless he wants to.

If he wants to change then you will be able to advise and help him, but if he doesn't its just going to go in one ear and out the other.

Its almost as if he will have to hit rock bottom to realise that he needs to change. Have you tried talking to his father will he take him back, as I think that unless he does something there isn't a lot more you can do as you have really tried your best. Right now I think its time that his parents got together and tried to help their son as he is their responsibility.

I think that as he hasn't had the love that he needs from his mum this is the reason why he has gone of the rails and maybe if the two of them were to sit down and talk together and try to work things out, he might be able to get back on the straight and narrow.

However he needs to want to do this and he needs to know that he has the support of his parents if he were to try

Answer 6

I think you are wasting your time thinking about his "less than perfect relationship" with his mother to find the reason for his actions. He is a self-centered, lazy slob and all your kindness and attention does nothing but boost his feeling that the world and all its population owe him an easy living. The best thing you can do for him is to cut him out of your life, the only way he is capable of learning anything is when his actions start hurting him. With no friends, no flat, no money and no one to scrounge from he will have to do something about himself. I was forced to do this with my step-son about 15 years ago and since then he has become almost human.

Answer 7

This sounds like the aftermath of having an unloving mother. it's bad enough to have a mother with little love for you but WORSE to have a mother who has little for you but a lot for the others. This has probably shaken his self-worth and confidence to suceed within himself. He has been the odd one out and if his own mother has made him feel like he is some sort of outsider he probably has confusion about himself. If he knows that you have seen this too he will be able to accept that he is not the one with the problem and learn to grow from this. good luck.

Answer 8

Ok personal experience brings me to say that leave him. Let him stew on the real world. What it's really like to have no one there for him no one to keep him or help him. He'll be back soon enough and more then welcoming to change his ways and accept the help he's offered. If not he'll be another wasted soul on this planet.
Its the best i can give you im afraid.

Answer 9

u cant change his ways, he must want to do it himself. maybe he's scared or feeling depressed about his future but doesn't know where to go/what to do to change. u sound like a huge support to him so just be there but dont let him take u for a ride. sounds pretty harsh that his mother was so cold towards him but not his siblings. hopefully in time, if they are both willing, then that relationship will change for the best.

Answer 10

It sounds to me like he has to be given the chance to work it out by himself. He has been given the opportunities to get on but he has not taken them. He will not accept advice or help, so you have to let him find out the hard way. At 19 he is old enough (supposedly!!) to be independent....so let him be. He will soon work out that no job = no money = no home = no food = no life. Obviously i am not saying abandon him completely, if he comes back, or desperately needs help then be there, just give him enough to work out the facts. Hope it all works out xx