What to Do??? What to do???

Question

My sister is in an unhappy marriage. She wants to come home. She wants somebody in the family to fly to where she lives and help her pack her & her 2 kids' clothes up & help her drive a U-Haul back home. Problem is everybody works. The only thing we could do is drive to the nearest airport 4 hours away & pick her up at the airport. She lives in Illinois & Most of our family lives in Nevada. She is Materialistic & doesn't want to leave her stuff behind. She has called 3 times in 2 moths and said I want to come home & I have made arrangements to get her here & she calls a day or so later & says "things are good now" I know her husband very well knew him before they got married & he's not abusive. THe unhappy marriage is they don't communicate & they both make MOUNTAINS out of MOLEHILLS! I Love my sis & would like to help her, but when I only make 30,000 a year I live from paycheck to paycheck & can't help her & the rest of the family is in the same boat! What would you do?????

I forgot to add Mother in law lives there too. I like the answers I am getting though. Thanks!

BTW Just another piece of input here I am the Youngest sibling of several. I am happily married with 2 kids.

Answer 1

Tell her exactly how you feel and give her some good advice. Like don't leave your husband for no good reason. She'll regret it later.

Answer 2

It sounds harsh, but if you're sure she's not being abused, then I would tell her that she is a grown woman, and this is her situation to deal with. If she wants to do something in particular (like leave her husband), perhaps you could help her make a plan over the phone, then break the plan down into daily goals. Talk with her every day and see how she's doing with those 2-3 things she must do every day to meet her goals. Explain that nobody can bail her out; choosing to marry and have children is an adult decision with consequences. If she gets angry and scorns what help and support you CAN give her (by phone or whatever) then give her some line, let her blow off steam, don't be mad, she'll probably be back to take whatever help you can give her.

If you think she's become depressed (having trouble meeting her obligations, making and achieving goals, getting out of bed in the morning) encourage her to see her doctor to get some treatment. She will start to feel better then should go back to pursuing those goals.

If every time she feels better she just says "things are good now," then at some point you will have to point out that her hysteria is wearing you out. She's becoming like "the boy who cried wolf" and if she ever really needs her family, no one will know that it's the real thing.

Answer 3

It is not up to you to bail her out, especially if they are all safe. That being said it would be nice if someone could help her out, it is very hard to give up everything you own. She also sounds a little confused about leaving. I would tell her that you can't afford to go there and that she will either need to do it alone or sell some stuff off. My sis went through the same thing recently and she sent some stuff through the mail. She could also put some stuff in storage in Illinois and get it when someone can help her. That way also if she decides to go right back the stuff is still there. Try not to judge your sis too harshly, but don't let her make you nuts either. Hope it works out.

Answer 4

You should be supportive but realistic. Is she going to come home only to turn around because she or the kids miss him...or that things are/seem better...she has to make up her mind. She has to do what she needs to do. If your sister really wants to leave she will find a way. She can leave her things behind to pick up at a later date or just buy more things. It sounds like she is on the fence about the marriage. It's hard to leave a job and miss work and your daily activities if she won't commit to a decision. I'd listen and wait and see. Good luck to you both.

Answer 5

this is a tough question. if you can tell her she NEEDS to learn how to communicate with her man and and learn with her man and stop treating her marriage as if it is a disposable relationship and take matters more seriously. if she has put work into her relationship then she can say she should call it quits with him but she should also consider the packing and un packing will confuse the kids and make them really upset too. yeah, you are living tightly too as far as finances go. let her know that you are willing to help and that last false alarm she pulled really strained you financially and i am sure u had to make arrangements with your job too so let her know you are willing, but not always able to do so, with that said you would appreciate no more false alarms and you really do hope she and her husband can work it out for the best. now as far as mateialistc goes, maybe she isnt and dosnt want to leave stuff behind so that she wont have to buy everything over again. kids are clingy to things and if they can have their items from their rooms the would adjust a bit better if they didnt.

dont know if this helps! good luck

Answer 6

Sweetheart,
They both need to grow up and realize that they need to communicate, and that you can't going running to help them every time they cry "WOLF". You don't have the money to go help her, besides who would take care of your kids if you went??? Your husband works and can't take the time off to watch them or to go get her. Tell them to grow up and that you are willing to let her stay with you, but that she has to find her own way there. Tell her it is time she realized that you are not rich and neither is the reast of the family. Honey, I know you feel like you should help her, but you just being there and letting her vent about her problems, is helping her all you can.
She needs to quit being so materialistic and leave most of her stuff behind, maybe her husband can bring it to her when she gets a place of her own. Tell her to pack a week or two of clothing for her and the kids and hop a plane and come as close as she can to where you are, and then someone will come and pick her up.
This is called "TOUGH LOVE", but it is time she starts living her life instead of expecting you to make everything better for her.

Answer 7

Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.

If your sister wanted to leave she would just do it. It might be a long drive, but she would do it. It sounds like she is waffling back and forth which says to me she needs a sister to talk to, not one who will rescue her. Phone calls are cheap and maybe by communicating with her you will help her understand the value of communication with her husband.

Marriages are never easy and there are bumpy times. It's more important for her to try to work things out than to run. Assuming there is no abuse as you say, she needs to spend more time talking and less time packing. Don't make it easy for her or she may never have a mature relationship.

Answer 8

mam.... i thought ok giving a very big advice but its all bakwas. changing things are highly impossible after marrage. she have to change her mind in staying wid her husband or her husband have to. it happens. u love ur sis, good. but if u call her back to ur place. do u think u r helping her. nop. a day comes u get married nd u leave ur house den again she is alone. haan. so my advice is to tell ur sis to get into a job near her place or u go to her place nd do get a job which is like part time nd be wid ur sis remaining time. now u r not only helping her but also respecting indian culture. good luck. think in all ways b4 stepping up in these type of matters.

Answer 9

im no expert on the subject, but it seems to me that perhaps they each need to really listen to what one another is saying and feeling, wanting and needing. then once its expressed, they should say it back to the person so they know they really are being understood. this needs to go both ways. that way they can get rid of the "he/she doesnt understand me" part and get to the basics of how to each make each other happy and be happy. the way you put it, they have a very good chance if they can do this. plus, that might help them to put their pride aside and be the couple that they made the vows to be. best of luck!

Answer 10

I would probably tell her that she is going to have to grow up. Tell her that you, and your family cannot drop your life every other week, because her and her husband don't totally agree at that moment. You have to explain to her that you have a life too, and she needs to get her own. Either she needs to be 100 percent in or 100 percent out. Expecially for her children, how confused do you think they are in all this.

Answer 11

ive seen this before, most of the time, they get back together anyway at everyone elses expense. the coming home is just them making a point. if she really wants to come home, she will find a way.