What to do when I feel so lonely and tired of doing housework and caring for my babygirl all the time?

Question

When I got married I left my life behind. I am only in my early twenties still. I've been trying so hard to focus all my energy in being a good mother, I haven't managed to do much for myself, like making new friends. I feel very lonely. My husband is a great provider, but he is just not there emotionally. He just prefers if i don't complain at all. After I've held it all in for so long, everytime we try to discuss a tricky topic we get into a big fight and he says i am yelling and then he doesn;t want to hear anything anymore and he just walks away. So nothing gets resolved and he thinks it's all better the next day, because he can't stay mad for long. But the problem is still there. I hate doing housework endlessly. It insults my intelligence. He hardly helps with our baby. He thinks it's my job to do it all, because he pays for everything. I feel trapped, unhappy and falling out of love with my husband. He works from home during the day, but i am literally on call 24hrs a day! Help!

When I say it insults my intelligence, i mean it is work that would insult anyone's intelligence. Come on.. doing the floors more than once a day because the baby spills food or paints constantly... Or reading baby books and singing nursery rhymes all day.. gosh.. some women have no compassion at all for other women.. what a pity...

Thanks a lot though to all those ladies who share my emotions and offer kind thoughts and words. God bless you all!

Answer 1

Do you know any other young wives and mothers in the neighborhood? If you do, why not hang out with them. If you don't, then introduce yourself. Plan outings and fun things to do. You don't have to stay home 24/7. Do something nice for yourself. Do you have family nearby? See if you can get a family member to babysit for a few hours so that you can go out and enjoy yourself, pamper yourself!!!! I hope that things will get better for you. I know what it feels like. Sometimes we are so busy taking care of everybody else that we forget about ourselves.

Answer 2

Sorry if this sounds blunt, its not meant to be rude so please dont take it that way.
1.) Go out and meet friends for lunch, take your daughter to playgroups and meet other parents
2.) Apply for a job or a course of study, and take your daughter to a nursery where she will be looked after for a few hours during the day while you pursue hobbies and work interests (she will also benefit from the social interaction with the other kids)
3.) Make things clear to your husband that you will be doing what you decide to do and not what he thinks you should. Explain your feelings calmly and rationally, if he won't listen, persue your dreams alone. Be strong and don't give in.
4.) If you are BOTH working and bringing in the money there is no reason why he can't share the housework.
5.) You are your own person, you are wonderful in your own way, never forget that and never let anyone tell you different.

Answer 3

i also got married and had a daughter at a young age ! it is not easy but if you sit down and really think about it you are very lucky !just look at your beautiful daughter and you will see that everything you are going through is worth it !you will adjust eventually ! you have to start getting creative in your daily schedule ! you have to take some time off for yourself !at least an hour a day to do exactly what you feel like doing ! you are not your husbands slave ! he can help out a bit !i don't understand why men think that housework is a woman's job ! i also hate housework and find it demeaning !when i get upset i always tell my husband i wish i was born a man !! anyway my daughter is 23 now and i have been married for 24 yrs and the moral of the story is , it is all worth it in the long run ! so be strong because it will all work out ! your life is just beginning ! good luck !

Answer 4

So a few things.

"When I got married I left my life behind. I am only in my early twenties still. I've been trying so hard to focus all my energy in being a good mother"
** Focusing on being a good mother is a good thing. Sometimes you can't help but change your life.

"I haven't managed to do much for myself, like making new friends. I feel very lonely"
** This isn't a good thing. You need to find some new friends and interact with them.

"My husband is a great provider, but he is just not there emotionally. He just prefers if i don't complain at all"
** He needs to be there emotionally. If he can't be there for you venting at times, you may need to look into counseling. I also think you want to be careful not to "whine too much" (not saying you do that, you just want to be careful not to reach that point)

"After I've held it all in for so long, everytime we try to discuss a tricky topic we get into a big fight and he says i am yelling and then he doesn;t want to hear anything anymore and he just walks away. So nothing gets resolved and he thinks it's all better the next day, because he can't stay mad for long"
*** You need to let him know you are still mad. If that means not doing his laundry, not cooking his meals, withholding sex - you need to do that. Have him sleep on the couch as well when this happens. Nothing will get resolved if you let things go.

But the problem is still there. I hate doing housework endlessly. It insults my intelligence.
*** I understand your situation above, but this one I cannot. You are the housewife/SAHM. Housework is your job - plain and simple. Sorry to be blunt on that. If you were a househusband posting this, you probably wouldn't get much sympathy from anyone. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. You shouldn't let it insult your intelligence. It is important work and you should take pride in taking care of your house and family.

"He hardly helps with our baby. He thinks it's my job to do it all, because he pays for everything"
** He should give you some relief at times. Or even arrange for a cleaning woman from time to time, but again, you are the housewife. Housework is your primary responsibility.

"I feel trapped, unhappy and falling out of love with my husband"
*** I think you have problems beyond housework. You may need to seek counseling.

"He works from home during the day, but i am literally on call 24hrs a day! Help!"
*** Just because he works from home, he still has a job and career to manage. And your job is the housework. But as I said above, you need to get a breather at times.

Answer 5

I really feel for you. I'm in the same situation only I can't see my relationship lasting much longer. We have 3 children who are still very young, I am a mother & a cleaner, that's all I do, i clean the home & look after the children. My partner is the same where arguments are concerned, he'll walk away then expect everything to be fine the next day when it just isn't! I would say work at your marraige, but your husband has to know how you feel. Tell him what you have just told us & if he walks away tell him the problem will still be here tomorrow & the next day unless he works with you to sort it out!

Get yourself enrolled on a college course or take a night off to see an old friend who you haven't seen for a while! If you let yourself you will forget who you are if you haven't already, I did but then I made a point of changing that for myself. My course gets me away for 2hrs a week which makes me feel human. It may sound horrible but don't get me wrong my children mean the world to me but I still need to be me. If I don't take time out for me I'm no good to them.

feel free to mail me if you want to talk more x Good luck

Answer 6

sadnblu.....It really doesn't have to be this way for you!

There are plenty of mother n toddler groups out there, just go and you will meet people who have felt the same way you do now. It will get you out of the house so you don't feel hemmed in and you will see other mothers who have experienced what you are going through now...As for yourself, why don't you get some-one close to look after your little one while you get your hair, nails done...it will give you a bit of you time!

As for your hubby (although works from home) has no idea of your isolation....so every day (if you can), just write your thoughts down and when you feel he really doesn't understand what you're feeling then show him....it will give him a clear picture of what you're actually feeling on a day to day basis...

Finally, you need some time alone with your hubby to be a couple again....organise a night away, save your child benefit and have a night in a hotel....doesn't have to be expensive, just so that you can have a special time..maybe your next anniversary??? Ask a family member or close friend to have your baby for ONE night....I'm sure it won't be a problem.

You are not alone, and we have all gone through this at some point.....just know it will pass and you will wonder what all the fuss was about!!!! I promise you will be happy, it just takes adjusting and the strength to get out there and meet folk.........X

Good luck babes;)

Answer 7

I completely identify with you, that was me 4 years ago!! I am still with my husband and although to be honest most of the organising of things still stays with me, I now work part time (sanity saver!) I have started going out more, and twice this year have had a break away with girlfriends, even just for a night. It is very easy to lose your identity when you become a mother, the sooner you scrap some of it back the better you will feel, good luck,

Answer 8

My daughter has the same feelings as you, she needs something more, its not that you don't love your child its just that its not mentally simulating enough for you, all of us are different.......some love staying home and being a full time mum, and others needs something else, it would make it hard for you, with your husband being home all the time, that alone would drive me nuts. My daughter has done a Computer course, she is know doing and Art course, and hopes to go to EIT, its like a next step up from High School. I live in NZ, so our Schooling system is different from yours..........i hope that you can resolve your problem, and that your husband stops thinking that you are just a slave, good luck and god bless.

Answer 9

Wow, that's hard. I would suggest taking the baby out. to the park, for walks in her stroller............... You will get to meet other mothers and maybe start a few friendships. I would also at least get a part time job, to get you out of the house, also around people. Then you would have your own money as well, so maybe you can go out with the baby more often, by a special treat. You need him to be there emotionally, I would try to work on that as well, but we all know there are men that just don't get it.

Answer 10

Go see if any of the local churches offer morning programs for moms/tots and meet young moms there --- check your phone book.
Any family live close by? have them babysit and you go out to the local mall and get your hair done or nails --- great way to chat and get to know people. Get a part time job put the baby in daycare.

Or leave him a note on his work desk that saids "I feel trapped, unhappy and falling out of love with you. I am literally on call 24hrs a day! Help!" If you think things are good in this marriage, they aren't .... don't ignore this last attempt on my part to let you know how I feel ...because the next time you read anything concerning us will be divorce papers."