My husband and I have been married for about a year.. been together for about 2 years. He has a 12 year old daughter with his ex wife. I am not normally a hateful person, but I cant seem to get over this woman and how she treats her daughter. My step daughter and I get along great, and have a loving relationship. But her mother is not a good person, and I find myself wanting to scream at her and tell her she is doing a horrible job raising my SD. I talk to my husband about this, and he doesnt say much except he feels the same way. This is the FIRST TIME in her 12 years that she has lived with her mother and things arent going good there at all. However, my step daughter doesnt want to live with us since she is around all of her friends and that is important to her and we have moved 5 hours away. She says she wants to live with us, but not live away from her friends. PLEASE serious answers only.
2006-11-18 14:18:08 · 20 answers · asked by WestWife 3 in Travel ➔ Europe (Continental) ➔ Russia
It is NOT possible to move closer.. I just need to know how to deal with the feelings for her mother.. Thank you!
2006-11-18 14:24:26 · update #1
Her mother is NOT abusing her persay.. she just isnt doing things for the best intrest of my SD. EX.. she is letting my SD spend the night at friends houses in the middle of the week.. and when we confronted her about it.. she said "I am allowing it so that when she gets bad grades, I can take it away from her"... Talk about setting her up to fail!!
Also, we cannot get custody of her for another 6 months per IL laws. However after that, we are going for it.
2006-11-18 14:27:49 · update #2
honey I so feel your pain. I want to give you some advice and please read carefully. Do not waste one more moment of your life fretting over this woman. This situation will always be a thorn in your side if you let it. DONT LET IT. You said your not a hateful person but if you let it this or she will make you one. Trust me I have been married to a man for 10 years and his ex is the beast master GOG OF MAGOG.I finally had to let it go but it just about ate me alive before I realized. I became bitter, hateful, obsessed, you name it. It will hurt no one but you.
2006-11-18 14:50:01 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think an attorney might tell you that a 12 year old is able to decide where she wants to live.
Should she want to live with you as you say, then she should come there, regardless of where her friends are. If her mother is that horrible, she should not have such easy access as to live close to you because you moved.
12 year olds are kids. They live for the now. It would be up to you two to show her the advantages of living with you, the opportunity to expand her circle of friends, the different activities she could participate in, how much freedom she'd have in the decorating of her room, etc., etc ad nauseum.
Her choice is really pretty simple, stay with a rotten mother and have friends in the area, or move with Dad and Mom, have a stable home and an opportunity for new friends.
I know it's tough to watch, but there are options.
Best of Luck in a difficult situation.
2006-11-18 22:26:45 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, this is a tough situation for you and your husband and let me commend you for being a step-parent that stands up for the step-child. It is always hard to come into a relationship with previous children and take over the role (so to speak) and get it done right. Unfortunatly, there is not to much you can do at this point but wait it out, I know that 6 months seems like a long time but that is what you have to do. Just keep supporting your step daughter in everything that she does, and let her know that she is always welcome at anytime, guide her to do the right things as much as you can from where you are and keep encouraging her to do the right things. Like keeping grades up etc... As for her mother there is no place for you to step in there that is up to your husband to deal with, again just support him in his decisions. I hope that all works out well for all of you.
2006-11-18 22:50:39 · answer #3 · answered by melissa052572 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi, and firstly I must say i feel for your step daughter as she is the one caught in the middle, i have a 12yr old daughter and recently divorced. at 12 girls are so emotionally complex, are wired so emotionally, so can understand how important this must be to her. have you considerd moving closer to where she lives so she may get the break she most likely is wishing for or maybe step up the physical contact with her on the weekends, have her friend/s sleep over with her at your place? i have been in this situation twice so can identify with yr feelings to a level.
2006-11-18 22:27:34 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
other than venting to a couple of trusted friends there really is nothing you can do about it and if and when you force custody she might battle you being away from friends so even though your feelings are strong for her use your head instead of your passion and think before you act on or say something you may regret. Best of luck, and good going...you sound like a great step-parent.
2006-11-18 22:37:18 · answer #5 · answered by Johnny 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
really you can't do much. it doesn't sound as bad as it could be either. if it was really horrible she would LOVE to live somewhere else. I know, I've been in a bad family situation. her mother's letting her see her friends, go out and have fun, whatnot. so she's not like trapped or anything. she's also not being abused.
Just sounds like you don't fully agree with what this woman does with her child. not much you can do about that. Like I said, if it was really, extremely bad, then she'd love to live somewhere else, even if that means not seeing her friends much.
I guess you're going to have to wait it out until you can file for custody, it is only 6 months.
2006-11-18 23:08:27 · answer #6 · answered by Bitterly Sweet 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
this is when you sit her down and explain to her the importance of making intelligent decisions. if it is truly up to her, then she will have the choice between family or friends.
but.....her being underage makes it really not entirely up to her at all. if it is a very bad situation w/her mom, get involved and do something about it legally. if it is the normal parent/teen troubles though, let it rest. and keep in mind, the views of a 12 y old may be quite different than that of her mother's. when i was a teen, my mom was evil too. or so i thought.
;)
2006-11-18 22:24:32 · answer #7 · answered by barefoot 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being around a good family is definitely more important than friends no matter how it may seem. She should move in with you. She can still keep in contact with her old friends. It will be rough at first, but she will soon make new friends, and you'll have accomplished both of what she wanted.
2006-11-18 22:22:24 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
That is a horribly tough question. I'd suggest that you find some summer programs in your area, and invite your step daughter to join up and stay with you for the duration of the program. That will give her a chance to stay with you for a while and meet some local kids.
2006-11-18 22:23:30 · answer #9 · answered by Sean 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Like one of them said, its not ur choice to tell a mother how to raise her daughter. I'm 11 and i no how hard it is to move away from all of our friends, but family comes first. And it against:
1) getting hit by a mother and leaving friends
~or~
2) moving in with you guys...not getting hit by her mom...and leaving friends and still keepin in contact with them.
2006-11-18 22:40:14 · answer #10 · answered by jennifer d 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋