I am leaving my husband due to emotional abuse, can I take the children with me when I move?

Question

we have been married 13 years, and have two girls ages 13 and 11. He used to be physically abusive and he has always been verbally/emotionally abusive. I have raised the children they have never been in day care. Just a year ago I started working full time and he has become much more jealous now. He calls me horrible names in front of the children now, and spits on me, and throws beer on me. I have had enough and finaly feel financialy O.K. to leave as long as he is ordered to pay child support. I have rented a nice 3 bedroom house for the girls and I, and plan to move Dec. 1. They will be able to keep attending their same school, and have more friends in the neighborhood we're moving in. He has told me and the girls that they will not move out of their home and he will make sure of it, by "dragging" them out of school and making them stay with him. He said I can move out, but they can't. IThe girls cry and say they want to be with me. I can't afford an attorney, what do I do?

Answer 1

Go to your local Juvenile and Domestic Relations court intake office and request an Order of Protection for yourself and your children. Do that Monday morning. If they get it filed in the morning, you should be heard by a judge that afternoon and they will act on it immediately if you can tell them where he will be (home, work, etc) It will be approved based on history. You will need to recount for them each incident you can recall of past abuse... the worst incident of abuse... your current situation, his current behavior and your fears at this time.

This will be a temporary order of protection and he will be permitted to gather a few things (supervised) and you can request that you and the girls have the home until Dec 1. The order is approved based on what you have said and it's usually in effect for about 10 days. When he is served with the order, he will be told when to appear in front of the judge to give his side of the story. You will also appear and at that time, you can tell the judge that you have these arrangements in place and that you want custody of your children and for him to only have supervised visitation because he's threatened to remove them from school and make them stay with him.

You do not need an attorney to appear in Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court on a request for Order of Protection. You would not need to have an attorney for the appearance requesting the permanent order where he will also appear, but be aware that HE may have an attorney and your chances would be better if you had one as well. If you cannot afford one, call your local Legal Aide office and ask if they can assist you or call a local Domestic Violence hotline and see if they have other advice.

Do not fool yourself into believing that you are just "leaving your husband." This is "leaving your abuser." His behavior has been abusive... in no uncertain terms... and as women who tolerate it year after year we grow complacent about saying it and acknowledging it for what it is. He will be more dangerous and unstable than ever during the time of you leaving him... so be aware, have a Safe Plan in place for you and your children, involve your friends if you need to as well as their schools.

Once you have an Order of Protection, don't walk - RUN to their schools and give the office a copy and have them change the girls' emergency information WHILE YOU ARE STANDING THERE so that your husband will not be able to pick them up from school without your permission. Ask them to "flag" their cards/files with this information so there will be no mistakes. Tell the girls NOT to leave the school with him NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS and have a safe word with them... that only the three of you will know... and tell them that unless someone says that word to them, they are not to go with them. If YOU have asked someone to pick them up... they will know the word. If Dad doesn't know the word, then he's not allowed to get them.

Have your personal papers and the girls birth certificates, social security cards, and anything else you might need for legal or school or medical reasons all together and in a safe place outside of the home. In addition, have extra house and car keys made and a few days of any necessary medications for all three of you. You can keep these items with a friend or in locker at the bus station or post office, just make sure you have access to it 24/7. Let their guidance counselors and teachers know that they might need some additional support at school for a while because of a difficult family situation.

Contact me offlist by e-mail if I can help you in any way. There is a huge network of support available for women in your situation and the most important thing to all is that you and your daughters stay safe.

Best to you...

Answer 2

Sweetie the first thing you need to do is to try to find a lawyer that you can afford or look in the phone book see if there are some divorce lawyers who will help you. I don't think its as big a deal as you think. Here in California Divorces are so common its like $300 to file. But I think you could contact some type of Legal Aide in your city and ask them some questions. You have to find out what you can do legally without being a kidnapper.
you can't just steal the kids and move. You know

but I think you should get a smaller place less money and actually get a lawyer borrow the money however but you must do something. Because he could LIE and say you stole the kids and blah blah blah and what happens if YOU have to pay him child support. Hello that could happen girlfriend. The other thing is you have to shut your mouth when doing stuff like this because those same people you think are your friends will give him the address of where you are and he could come over there and become more violent. It would be like you never even left the house then you are stuck in a lease and paying unnecessary bills.

Heck I would think about this further.

Talk to someone who has legal experience. Hopefully somebody on here will help you.

Answer 3

Im soooo sorry. If you cant afford an attorney then perhaps a hitman to do the job?!
Here in the UK we have refuge's for women that have got involved in complete assholes like this, they are in secret locations and they let you stay until they think you and the kids are out of danger and able to manage on your own-they then help by finding you a place to live etc
Nobody should ever have to put up with this, sometimes mental abuse can be worse than the physical abuse, harder to fight back against.
sooner or later the kids will hate this man, thats if they dont already, so balls to him and his threats-just take the kids and go. Ring the police and explain what he has done and said he will do if you leave and mayb they will let an officer to help you get a few things together of yours and your kids, im sure he wont be so brave to spit on you, throw beer over you or call you names in front of a policeman/woman since a man like this is to scared to pick on someone that might fight back!
But if all else fails....wait till hes sleeping and smother the bastard.
Really do wish you all the luck in the world, just stick with leaving him....u and your kids deserve so much better. xx

Answer 4

Don't leave the girls with him.If you have to contact social services and fill a complaint or ever charges do it. Not only will leaving them with him hurt them and make them feel deserted. In some states if you move out and don't take them it constitutes desertion. Which would make it very hard for you to get and keep custody of them. You aren't leaving the state with them so has long has he doesn't have a custody order giving him sole custody of those children the only thing he can do is take you to court. Has long has you never try to flee the state with obtaining sole custody of the girls it shouldn't constitute parental kidnapping. So you should be o.k. Just moving. Since he is an abusive person I wouldn't tell him anything until you got the girls out of there.You should play it cool act like you have changed you mind about leaving.And one day when he is at work just run. Even if it means leaving their personal effect there and just walking out with what you 3 have on your backs. It is better to have each other that material things. You might want to use you new apt address and try to obtain some sort of protection order against him. You might have to wait until the day you leave in fact when you leave go straight to the police. Tell them he threaten you and your girls safety. Tell him you feel the your lives are in danger.Do what you have to to keep them safe.

Answer 5

I say take the kids. From what you've said, they'd only be abused by him.
You do need legal advice, however.Look for Legal Aid or Community Legal Services in your area. Try the Yellow Pages or Google it. But do it soon.
Then, file for divorce & seek full custody. If you can carefully document everything & have witnesses wherever possible, it's highly unlikely that the court would award custody to the girls' father. Having custody would give you a good leg to stand on. He should still have visitation, if possible, even if it has to be court-supervised. I'm sure you'll also be awarded child support & that it'll be enforced, so I wouldn't worry about that.
Ultimately, you must look out for your own safety & your daughters'.
Good luck & God bless.

Answer 6

the first thing i would do is get a restraining order against him ,,
you need to go to the local police dept and tell them what you have told us,,
next time he abuses you call the law that will make it look better for you,,
the sooner you all get out the better it will be ,, u can all begin to heal ,, if you can afford it go to a family counselor so they don;t think this is a normal life,,
i give you credit for getting the hell out before it is too late,,
i would not let him see the children un supervised,,
call you local legal aid office in your area,, they have lawyers that will work with you ,,, you need to tell them everything that has happened what he has said he would do to the girls,, they are old enough they can tell their side also,,, there is no way they would let them girls stay with him i hope he has no idea where you are all going,,,

when you do get ready to leave have the law there to protect you and your children on the day you are leaving they will come by for a peace officer,,it is good to have back up there,, if not if he works do it when he is there and be sneaky,,,
but i would please get a restraining order ,, and let us know how u make out,,,

Answer 7

First of all I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this. I'm sorry but you are allowing your children to be abused. When they see their mom being abused it kills their spirit. It screws up how they perceive relationships. If you can't get out for your sake do it for them. I'm sure he controls the money but squirrel away as much as you can and get a lawyer. You are entitled to half of the assets in a marriage. Being a doctor means you have a great mind. All the schooling was not for nothing. Refuse his tests. That is his form of control and makes you doubt yourself. Don't believe him. You are a smart woman. Smart women don't take this crap. He will have to learn to cope without you, just like the rest of the world. He is mentally ill. If he refuses help, denies he has problem and doesn't change then for your and your kids sanity LEAVE. He is sexually harassing which can also be spelled as LOSER, Please, please, please leave you are the only hope for your children having a good childhood.

Answer 8

You need the police, hon.... this guy sounds violent, and now really threatened by your newly found guts and independence.... That has really castrated this dude, and he could really get mean. You Do need an attorney, sorry, and you will just have to pay for one. You need protection, and court orders..... from your letter, he's going to go off the deep end when you leave. You will also need to alert the school to not release your children to him --- They will do it for you, but again, that may take a court order. (And of course it will help if your daughters tell the secretaries and the principal that they do not wished to be called out of class by their father........ If you are "In" with the front office, they will respect your wishes, but if he comes at them with a court order as well, you had better be there first... Good luck, sweetie

Answer 9

yes, you are a parent. now, the next thing you should do is update the school records by changing the names to contact in case of emergency. take his name off completely. i don't think he can take them out of school if his name is not on the emergency card. he is the father though and he has just as much right to see them as you. but, the good news is that they are older so they can voice their opinions in court on who they would like to be with, and it is admissible. what you should do next is go get a ppo (personal protection order) against him. you don't need an attorney. just go to the court house or contact your local police department to find out how to go about this. until you actually do go to court don't expect him to give you any support most likely he won't. he will however in the end owe you from the time you leave him. make sure you keep a log of EVERYTHING!! that he says, gives, or does to you or your children. if he gives you money write down how much, when, what time, and what type of payment form like cash, check. this may help you when you get a divorce. good luck and it sounds like you are on a fast track to recovering from that bas***d!

Answer 10

Got news for that man, you can get those girls whether he likes it or not. The girls are old enough to say where they want to go and they are just apt to tell the judge if asked what it was like for them living with daddy. In most all cases the kids go with mom.

I glad that you are getting out of that hell hole that you live in with that person!! Notice that I did not call him a man, no man acts that way nor treats a woman that way. It will be the best thing for you and your girls to do. All of you will be so much more happier once it is over with. Good luck.