Can you help me? Re my religion, sexual needs and affair.?

Question

I'm going to put this into the Religion category as well.
Here's my story: I was raised in a very conservative fundamentalist Christian faith. Married at 20 to another church member who turned out to be even more fundamentalist than I. Refuses to do anything in bed other than petting and missionary. In my mid 20s I started to want more, a lot more, but hubby refused, saying only whores do that. He refused joint counseling.
I went to pastor and to church women's counselor, was told to obey husband and that God was just testing me. I am very attractive, told I look 20 years younger than my age (I am 44), and many married men over the years hit on me, which disgusted me but also made me more frustrated. Then 2 years ago I met wonderful understanding traveling businessman with whom I not only was able to do the sexual universe but he became true friend and confidant (he has had several affairs with married women, all at the ladies' initiative, so he says).

He comes to town 3 or 4 weeks per year, otherwise I call him once a week and have obtained a PO Box to receive his letters (I don't dare email in case hubby checks my activity on our computer). I do not want a divorce because other than his religious sexual fanaticism and a bit of anti-intellectualism my husband is fine, a good and responsible provider and a good father and he never abuses me (except for the lack of allowing me good sex with him). My problems and questions: (1) I have grown to absolutely loathe my religion and
hate every second of the 2 to 3 hours we are at church each Sunday but I do not dare quit or even tell hubby I have lost faith because then he will wonder and also chastise me. What to do? (2) As I wrote my lover can see me only 3 or 4 weeks per year. I am incredibly horny but do not want to get involved with any of the men who have suggested (or any like them). And I do not want to get emotionally involved. My lover suggests I find a "boy toy",

and have an absolutely honest "f**k friend" affair with him. I hesitate (and would not know how to find such a kid without nervous embarassment). Again, what to do? I have talked with two women friends, who admitted - so surprise to me! - that they had also adulterous affairs but they could not advise me (they were not trapped in their religions and their adulterous partners lived nearby). Women who have navigated such predicaments are asked either to answer here or email me (this is a new email account I will access only at one of my friend's house).
Thank you so much.

PS No insincere or crank answers, please!

PPS. I have seen a psychiatrist. She is also unwilling to tell me what to do about my religion problem.

Answer 1

I know how you feel. I have / is going through something similar to your experience. I married young, I wasn't a very religious person neither was my husband at that time. As months went by he started to get more religious and more involved with our church and he started dictating the way I should dress and the way I should act. Forcing me to do many things in the name of religion that I hated.. subsequently, because of this I started slacking of on my religious duties.. I know it is wrong but he made me hate the religion and everything that has to do with it. Religion stops at the bedroom door.. God did not dictate what you can and what you cant do with your wife/husband . It's bringing pleasure to the person you love and in doing so you are being a good person. Trying a different position or trying something new is not sacrilegious. The problem is.. you have wonderful sex with your lover, but that is scars .. and you are left in the meanwhile with an unwilling partner and many temptations.. I say don't get tempted to have another affair.. you will only complicate your life with the lies, hiding and sneaking. And believe me it will only make you despise your husband more and you feel more frustrated with the relationship. Try to talk to hubby again.. explain to him the severity of the lack of passion. If that doesn't work my advice is, consider your options.. are you willing to scarifies the marriage and your position in the society to fulfill your sexual desires or can you find means of self satisfaction..an uncomplicated affair ? You might be a better person because you won't feel as guilty as you do right now and have some peace with your self and with God... Best of Luck...

Answer 2

You both are to honor and respect each other, don't cheat on your husband it is not worth it, the happiness that you are looking for you can only find in it God...The bible says that the bedroom is undefiled so God is not judging what you and your husband do in the bedroom cause you are married....I would never dream of cheating on my husband 1. because I love the Lord 2. I love my husband 3. I care about my soul....You need to pray about your church and let God direct your steps and cut off the communication with the other guy, all you are doing is cursing yourself...Pray and Pray some more get in the bible and see what the word says about it...and it works....There is more to life than just sex and it seems like you are more caught up on sex than the relationship...Don't settle for 80/20, cause if you leave this relationship, you may find someone who has good sex, but no passion, no heart and mean....You really need to think about what you are doing...This man you are seeing is feeding off of your emotions...Why risk losing your life and what you have for someone who has already lost his soul by cheating with other married women, he doesn't care about you , this something that he just does...Don't be a fool....

Answer 3

Honey, What I have to say to you may seem insincere to you but I don't mean for it to be. You married your husband for better or for worst. Sex is in the relationship that the two of you have but it is not the main necessity. You say that you love and want to be with him but that you also need some sex to calm your hornyness down. You should not want to condemn or commit adultry just for sex, that is allowing the devil to take control of your situation. It also sounds like your husband is still living in the olden days when it was concidered that a woman was a whore if she became to horny. The only way that she is concidered to be a whore is if she has sex with another man, but having sex with your husband should be concidered as making love to him. I don't understand why he does not look at it that way. If you are wanting to have a loving & lasting relationship with your husband then you should talk with him and let him know that you are a woman that has needs that needs to befulfilled. To tell you the truth I am not use to hearing about a man that is not sexually active, (Religion or No Religion). If God concidered making love with your spouce as a sin then there would not be any reason for adultry. You should tell your husband that he should understand his religion/sex better when it comes to being married. I truly believe that he is aware but he is just trying to control you. That is why you should talk with him and find out if he is honestly against having sex or if he is committing adultry as well. I wish you the best of luck.
God Bless You!

Answer 4

Sounds to me like you want to abandon your faith, and your husband.
Obviously, your breaking your vows to your husband and God by entertaining an extramarital affair.

There's two ways to live your life. You can live happily, or miserably. The choice is yours, and you cant blame anyone else.
If youre 44, then you probably know that a woman's sexual peak is much later than a mans. Most women experience a sexual peak in the late 30s and early 40s. Wheras men experience their peak in their 20s.

The rest of you life is in the hands of your descision making skills. You can be happy, and happy sexually. Or you can sacrifice for 20 more years when your sex drive crashes anyway.

Answer 5

I'm not exactly sure what question it is you are asking, but I'll take a crack at responding to your story. Unfortunately it is not an uncommon one. People who have been raised under strict and rigid religious codes, more often than anything else grow up repressed and unsure of themselves, who they are, and how to actually live their lives without constant guilt about something. Particularly when a woman who was brought up that way, ends up married to a man who has been raised to the religious concept that, as the man, he has a god-given right to be dominant, and to make all the rules as to how his wife should act, and think and feel, sooner or later that woman goes one of two ways. She simply loses her whole personality as an individual in that marriage partnership; or else one day, that "individuality" - that personal "self" that has been repressed for so long, finds the sudden strength to assert itself. Suddenly, for the first time, her eyes are truly opened and she is saying to herself "Oh, my gosh, I AM a person in my own right. This is ME" and she asks herself "Self, where in the world have you been all my life?"
Now, what happens from there depends a lot on how strong that strict religious upbringing has been and whether it is still able to have such a hold on her that she continues to let it rule her. If she finds herself unable, through guilt or fear, to break free from it, and allow the real person to truly emerge in its own right, then, sadly, her destiny is to live out the remainder of her life in "silent inner conflict" between the religious domination of her husband and her background, and the desire of the true person to fight its way loose from the chains that bind it. On the other side of the coin, if she has the strength, the will, and the self-honesty to fight for that freedom to BE an individual in her own right, then she will have to have the courage to declare it. What she is very likely to get, of course, from that religion-controlled husband is a lot of vitriolic stuff about how she is "in the Devil's Grip", and unless she rejects "Satan" she is doomed to "Eternal Damnation". Whether she is going to collapse under the onslaught of this kind of verbal tirade, or not, is something that depends entirely upon how badly she wants her own freedom from all this "fear of eternal damnation" stuff. I can't tell you how to make that decision. You have to make it for yourself. I can only tell you that this is the crossroads at which you stand, and the choice you have to make, which way to go.

Answer 6

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Answer 7

God isn't "testing" you, He isn't that petty.

Women don't have to "obey" their husbands, that's just a self-serving interpretation of what Paul had to say about a Greek church that was following the advice of pagan priestesses.

If your husband loved you, he'd be more flexable. God doesn't want us in loveless marriages any more than He wants us to whip ourselves and wear hair shirts. Move on, love and be loved.

Answer 8

I would divorce your husband and find a man with whom you can
have a full and happy life..You are not being fulfilled as a woman..
Be careful that you do not choose a new man based solely on his ability satisfy you sexually, you need a tender caring provider also.

Answer 9

that's just it , he has had several affairs with married women. you are just another knotch in his belt! he wants you because there is no commitment to you. about your husband an the sex issue , he is stuck in a belief and probably feels that way to his bones. you can't usually change a religous mans belief . especially if he is strick pentocoastal .

Answer 10

I dont' understand, you tell us a story,
you ask if we can help
what kind of help