why is my wife so insecure?

Question

my wife always complains all the time about her weight. i really dont see anything wrong about her. im always telling her she is beatiful and she doesnt believe me. she is comparing herself to when we first started dating and that was like 5 1/2 yrs ago. so i thought to help her feel better, i bought an eliptical and a weight machine because that is what she wanted. she always gets depressed because she doesnt see the weight loss in one or two days. it is also affecting or sex life. she's never interested anymore even though i am still very attracted to her. i really have run out of options of what to do. i need some suggestions. i try talking to her about it, but it usually ends up in a argument and she doesnt want to talk about it anymore.

Answer 1

Just be supportive of her, even if she seems irrational. Lots of women have similar issues with their body image. Letting her make the decisions about her weight loss plan, and you backing her up from there might be a better idea than giving her suggestions. Buying her the elliptical rider and weight machine are very nice gestures to help her loose the weight; however, consciously or subconsciously (and I'm only speculating- I don't know your wife) she may see it as a conformation that she is 'fat' and therefore undesirable.
Maybe you two can do an activity together like go for a bike ride or a walk or play tennis or something. Try to be attentive to how she is doing with the exercise though. Make sure you aren't miles ahead of her on a bike ride, or that you totally kick her butt playing tennis. Another thing you can try is eliminate any high calorie- low nutrition items in your house that are there because of you. Some women tend to gain weight after they get married because their eating patterns change to their spouses, who often can eat more than them. So maybe you really like Ben and jerry's ice-cream and always have a pint in the freezer, or maybe you like to eat Doritos and drink beer when you're relaxing. Try and cut those things out when you are eating with her, or even at home with her and leave them for times when you get together with your friends.
Also, avoid compliments that are comparative in nature. If you tell her something along the lines of she’s 'beautiful even though she’s gained some weight' or she’s 'beautiful to you no matter what' seem very sweet and innocent but again, especially if she has a low self esteem, she may just think about the weight gain and think that your compliment is empty. The compliment may also seem empty if it’s done in response to her saying that she’s fat.
If/when you talk to her about this again and it turns into an argument, pay specific attention to what you are saying and what she says at the point where it turns into an argument. Lots of times when people argue its because of a communication misunderstanding, that could easily be fixed by rewording what you say, or by changing the timing of the conversation i.e. does it happen right after she turns down sex or if other people (including children) are around, or at another time when the two of you are alone and relaxed?
For her libido to go back up she is going to have to be comfortable with herself, and not arguing with you! Hopefully, when she recognizes that you are supportive of her and do love her/ find her attractive that will fix the problem. Also, some physical gestures that are not overtly sexual may help her feel more comfortable with you physically. When you two are walking around, put your hand gently on the small of back, or greet her with a hug and a kiss- if you kiss her on the cheek and plant it close to her ear instead of in the middle of the cheek can make it more sensual. You can rub her shoulders and kiss her neck...or play with her hair, or anything that you know that gets her in the mood.
Well, I hope that helps. Best of luck to you and your wife!

Answer 2

You didn't say if you had kids or not or if your wife worked full-time as opposed to stay-home. Women, in general, feel insecure about their bodies; however, usually the problem is deeper. Other than that, it sounds like you're encouraging her as much as you can as a man. Just because she's voicing things like "I'm fat", "I need to lose weight", doesn't mean that she's asking you to "fix it". That's a typical male response. She wants you to listen to her. As for the sex part, this woman needs some attention other than sexual if you want her to accept you in bed. For instance, if you happen to do some cleaning around the house, or take charge of what's for dinner tonight; give her some attention in the morning (coffee in bed) before running off to work; paying close attention to your personal hygeine (shaving?), bringing home some bubble bath and a bottle of wine...things you probably don't really think of; it's all "foreplay" for a woman and it starts in the beginning of the day; not at night when you get home. I would suggest that you get some marriage counseling and she should get some counseling on her own about HER issues that don't involve you. Godloveya.

Answer 3

i know what she feels i was the exact same way. so you know even though you feel she's beautiful she's not feeling it so as nice as it is to tell her, she's not believing it herself.. have you exercised with her? ps let her know sex is a very good work out the more you have the more weight she'll lose lol dont say to her all of that though just the part about it being a good form of exercise.. also let her know if she already doesnt know that when you're exercising you may not see the weight loss on the scale because you're building muscle , she should only go by measurements and how she feels..

Answer 4

Your words and actions are conflicting so I suppose she could have gotten a mixed message.(im always telling her she is beatiful ) then you buy her an eliptical and a weight machine.So that may be why she is upset.So you need to let your actions speak for them selfs.Heres some ideas give her flowers,Wash her hair,Play with her. She needs time and attention. Small compliments help but only if your serious.Dont compliment her when she gets up and looks like the dickens wait til she gets cleaned up to go somewhere.You sound like a good guy to me so keep trying.

Answer 5

This is her prob. not yours, you know that right?
Having said that, it sounds like YOU can't do any thing more, she has some issue, like many many other women eith body image, we are supposed to be pencil thin, but sexy, while guys can be bald and fat and as long as they have money and a great car......
Enter the unfairness of life.....to us.
Speaking from a womans point of view, we THINK you want super models in bed, we are the ones who don't get it, I am older now and know that what men WANT is a good woman w/an open heart and a nice warm body,,,,
Tell her that if you can, yuo just want her, her smile, her warm comfortable uncomplicatted, not anerexic body, and it hurts you that she doesn't trust that.
Bring home some flowers, a card and that message. she'll be f***** you like a bunny in no time and more importantly, she'll feel good again. what a sweet guy you sound like, hope she knows how very lucky she is...!!!!!

Answer 6

Here are a few tips to make her feel a little more secure:
*When speaking to another woman (even a relative) pull her closer.
*Show her affection in public (but in moderation please).
*Do something active outdoors or with friends.
*Go somewhere you guys used to go when you were dating or find somewhere new to hang out.
*The both of you go on a diet/workout program.

And if all else fails, then she may have depression and require treatment. I am no psychologist, however, do not let this get out of hand.
Best of luck! I'll be rooting for you.

Answer 7

well ill tell you what you should not do buy her something to help her lose wait because that only makes her feel like you do want her to lose it. But what you can do is buy her chocolate and tell her how much you love her just they way she is and talk to her about the sex thing only you and her can talk about that no one even if they have went through it can tell you what to do about that because women do things their way and if she's not doing it to you it might be another way of telling you something like she really needs a counselor or something. you seem to be a very nice man who is trying to save her but if she doesn't want help you cant give it to her.

Answer 8

OMG!!! i was like that! after getting pregnant with my 2 kids...but i got my weight bak! anyway, i think u should get her pamperd...u know bring her to the parlor get her a full manicure and pedicure...or hang out with your friends or something! she's probably in the house all the time... thats gonna really make her feel all this crap!...u should bring her out for a dinner or something! and try not to look at other girls when shes around!

Answer 9

she just thinks she's fat. ALOT of women do that crap. buy her some healthy food and every time you see her eating something fattening tell her to stop. tell her there's no use complaining if you aren't going to do anything about it. and that it's unattractive when she has no confidence.

Answer 10

has she had children? how much weight gain?

~the most important thing you can do for a woman is build her up emotionally~