I only want honest answers.my husband calls me stupid every day along with ignorant and dumb stupid seems to?

Question

be his favorite.He thinks he is always right.My house is always clean,but he says it is dirty,I am not the best cook but I do try tothou my kids seem to thinnk i am.,when he is done with a meal sometimes at least once a week he says this,he says man ws that lousy.and then there a No pet thing he has a cow everytime i mention it,my dog died 2 yrs ago and i was the one who took care of it and took it to the vet,bathed and the whole deal.I have a job and i have 2 kids at home and because he works more hrs than i he think he should come home and dp nothing,i mow the grass I shovel the snow,clean house and cook take the kids to the Dr.I make all his phone calls,lay his cloths out ect.Am I a good wife? we have been together for 20yrs I don't know how I have made it this long.?

Answer 1

Oh honey leave him. He's definately not good enough for you. He sounds like a total control freak and has no appreciation for what you have done for him. You have done more for him than the wife of the year ever did for her husband! He needs to wake up and smell the roses or he needs to start packin and hit the road! NO body deserves to be called stupid, ignorant or dumb, or have thier meals insulted that you slaved for. If I were you the next time he expects you to cook for him tell him, nope sorry my meals are lousy so since I can no longer live up to your expectaitons I am now resigning my position as head chef, maid, and slave and you can fend for yourself. That or you can just tell him to kiss your butt and leave! No one deserves to feel less important and if he's making you feel that way he's lower than dirt. Hell, your worst enemy wouldn't treat you that way and your husband, the one that should be making you feel your absolute best, shouldn't most of all. It's time for you to sit and think about yourself for once and decide what is more important for your welfare and the welfare of your children. Don't think about twenty years of marriage, think about twenty years of mental abuse you've been putting up with. YOU DONT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS

Answer 2

You're a good wife, but he's a lousy husband. If you have any daughters, ask him if he would want any of his daughters to have a husband that criticizes their cooking, doesn't do the man's job of the house ( like cleaning out the garage, mowing the lawn, shoveling the snow, etc.), doen't try to treat her like the princess she is, and doesn't take any part of the kids lives. Ask your husband if he wants his daughters to become a slave the second that she gets married. A good father would say no. That is the time when you ask him how he thinks that his daughter will figure out what a good husband is. If he says "They will know if he is like me" you know that he needs help such as counciling. Or better yet, get Dr. Phil. You need to stand up for yourself more. I beleive your only mistake was allowing him to talk like that to you. You should have set your tolerance level at the begining of your relationship. The second that he had started that you should have kicked him to the curb. That way the next time that he comes back he'll have his tail between his legs and treat you with the respect you deserve, because he knows that he can't treat you like he did before. One saying that i hear alot is that one way you can tell if your husband will treat you right is if he gives his mother respect. I have no idea why, but i find that this is mostly true. You obviously have been used to people talking you down, get some more self confidence. My aunt had this problem once, but she set her standards in the beginning of their relationship, and whenever he treated her wrong she would have him sleep outside the house (it was winter time then, which makes this the perfect season for you). Now he is a great husband, and he does his part in the family. Now, kicking your husband to the curb may not be the best decision if he is very violent. You may just want counciling first. That would be my number one decision, since it's kind of late to set your standards now. If he refuses to come with you to counciling, go by yourself and ask your counciler what you should do to make him come. IMPORTANT: Don't forget to ask God, and your parents, for advice first.

Answer 3

I don't know how you made it this long either honey. I know you love him, but your husband seems like a real a@@. And I say that lightly. 20 yrs is a long time to walk away from, but then again can you really survive another 20yrs of this? He's teaching your children to act this way towards their spouses and you are supporting that lesson by putting up with it.

I was raised old school too, and I've been married almost 18 yrs. We have five children, and, much like you, I did it all and put my butt through school too. Even though I didn't have the negative criticsm, I felt as though he was always superior to me...because I allowed him to. Then one day, I just snapped. I quit doing everything of his. He got no dinner, I didn't wash his laundry, I quit catering to his needs. And when he questioned it, I simply said that I didn't do it well enough and I thought he would be happier doing it on his own..."the right way". It took a few days, but he "got it", and he started helping out. He no longer complains about what I make for dinner, if his clothes aren't ironed, he knows where the ironing board is.

20 yrs honey...think about that. The only thing I could possibly think you could be considered stupid... for is putting up with it. You aren't stupid, you know this....it appears he is, as well as ignorant to think you won't take a stand. Being a great wife, doesn't mean being a slave, or a maid or the one he gets to degrade. He doesnt' own you and he can't control your heart or your mind. You've been using them, now speak them.

Answer 4

It may not be as bad as the movie for you - but if you have the oppurtunity, check out "Sleeping With the Enemy".

The best way to keep someone down and obedient is to consistently push them down. It's a control technique that is often used by those who have their own fears.

It is possible that he believes that if you start to gain confidence, you may walk away from him. As long as he is able to chip away at your confidence, that is unlikely to happen.

Abuse is not just a punch in the face, it is also what you described. Anything that occurs deliberately which causes discontent is abuse and needs to be dealt with in the same way we deal with physical abuse.

I find it difficult to suggest the best course of action... I suspect you are already planning something. It is also not our place to tell you absolutely what you need to do - only to reiterate and describe in other terms what you are experiecing.

I also cannot tell you if you are a good wife - but I can say, in my opinion that you are a good woman. The fact that you are seeking advice before making a decision - particularly after 20 years - (ouch) points to a nature that is thoughtful.

The other side of this is that you are already running the house without his help.
Since it seems that he would not be willing to accept anyones input into the marriage, it is possible you may have to take the kids and set up house on your own. Money is always an issue, but often 'raising the house' is divided on some level. This second point is moot - you're doing everything.

Maybe it's time you do everything on your own but only for the kids, for awhile and send him a message the only way he seems to understand.

I doubt he truly believes you are useless and will cry the tears or moan and rage if you are out of the picture and he has to find his own shoes in the morning.

I'm not saying consult with a lawyer.

I am saying, this may be a time apart thing. However only you know the answer to that.

You also did not mention that you have any feelings for him - this is important in determining whether you wish to work things out or simply end it.

"Staying together for the kids" is passe and frequently frowned upon.

I'll pray for you whether you're a believer or not - I really do hope things begin to look up for you and your children.

Answer 5

give him a choice to stop or your leaving.If he does not stop them put your foot down and leave him .He will eventually realize how important you are to him and he will change. But you have to put your foot down and stick to it no matter what because if you don't it will never change and he will continue to take advantage of your emotions and in turn will teach your child to be the same way. If you do leave and he don't change then that should be a huge sign that he doesn't love you enough or he don't feel the same about you as you do him. Remember life is to short to be treated like that and besides you cant whine about it because if you keep letting him do that its your own fault. Stop it now !!!!! It will hurt but is called tough love. Men are stupid like that they think love is a big emotional game that they are usually winning because most women don't have the strength emotionally to show him what he is loosing by doing that. Give him a big wake up call or else you are going to have a ruined marriage in the future and eventially you will grow tired of it and leave and that wouldnt do any justice when it can be prevented. believe me i know from several experiences!!!!! Give it a shot be firm and straight to the point and show no mercy and every time he does it remind him how close you are to leaving but remeber if he keeps it up leave for a while let him know that you arent going to put up with it anymore and you wont go back untill he tries his hardest to change, P.S try marriage counsling

Answer 6

It is very hard for me to read stories like this because it appears you must have doormat tattooed on your forehead he is a pig
a lazy bastard that is verbally abusing you. Tell him you are raising the kids and keeping the house clean and doing all the chores. Its time for him toget off his As s and help just because he works doesn't mean he can sit on his as s at home while you take care of everything. Tell him to start helping out and doing his share around the house or he can start sending alimony and child support payments because your tired of him treating you like crap. This is the year 2006 not 1956 but I still believe the men took care of the mowing, shovelling back then too he's just pathetic.

Answer 7

Wow! I feel so bad for you. That man is abusive, both verbally & emotionally. Some think physical abuse is the worst. They couldn't be more wrong! Wounds heal. A broken spirit doesn't. You need to get out and get help now! Better yet, get a lawyer & throw his sorry @ss OUT! I don't know how you have stayed with him this long. If he doesn't like your cooking, leave him to fend for himself & go out to eat with family or friends.
You deserve so much better! Find a support group to help you deal with the bully until you get him out. Since you've been married over 10 years, he has to pay alimony & if your kids are under 18 he has to pay support for them, as well.
My X did the same to me. I had to live in a shelter for battered women & kids until I got divorced. It was a quaint house filled with women just like you & me. I was called a stupid failure so many times, when I went back to school I only lasted 3 months. I was convinced that I was too stupid to be there & dropped out.
Do not let him abuse you anymore!

Answer 8

Neither do I. Your husband is abusive verbally. Quit mowing the grass and shoveling the snow thats his job. Dont lay out his clothes he can pick for himself, dont make his phone calls anymore either. Take care of the kids and the house and get a dog if you want one. Tell him if he doesnt like it too bad. You have lived with his rules for 20 years now its your 20 years to make the rules. yes you are a good wife!!! Dont let him make you doubt your abitlities .

Answer 9

it looks like your husband was raised by those who thought the woman of the house where possessions, he is not going to change, and does not feel he has to. its an attiude that appears stronger the farther south you get, and its a leaned behaviour that he is not going to get over. Marriage is supposed to be equal, in all manors, respect being one of the most important of them all. you have some serious decisions to make for yourself do you want to live in that type of enviorment the rest of your life, or not. if you confronted him about his conduct would he become abusive. these are things that we don't know. either way life in most countries is twenty years, so i figure you have done your time. i"m not going to advice you to get rid of him, but i feel you don't have to live under those conditions either. i wish you good luck in what ever you decide, my x was very much like your husband, after twenty years i asked for a divorce because we had destroyed the love, we had, it was a rough period for a while , but i am a much more happy content person now, and my children now say that it was for the best, don't be surprised if your lazy husband says i did it all for you , if he does u know he will never understand because he never could.

Answer 10

No, you are not a good wife. You are allowing yourself to be emotionally abused and allowing your children to witness it. Let him know that he has two choices: 1) he can change, or 2) he can live alone. Then he can cook his own "lousy" meals, make sure his house is not "dirty", shovel his own darned snow, etc. And he probably will need to get a pet because no human deserves to live with someone who behaves like such a jerk.