There are very few who have a truly mutual relationship. Between two people, usually one is the Alpha. Two Alphas will always struggle for dominance and the relationship will be stormy. Together, you must discuss how you will resolve your differences amicably. Perhaps you will write down (literally) the issue with columns of pros and cons for decision making.
Additional Information:
The Policy of Joint Agreement
Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement
between you and your spouse
When you follow this policy, your Giver likes the part of it that requires your spouse to be in enthusiastic agreement about every decision you make, and your Taker likes the part that requires you to be in enthusiastic agreement. But the Giver will think that you're being selfish when you don't do whatever it takes to make your spouse happy, and your Taker will think you are just plain dumb to let your spouse's lack of "enthusiasm" prevent you from doing whatever makes you happy. Yet, if you follow this rule, it will prevent you from giving so much that it hurts you, or taking so much that you hurt your spouse. It forces you into the balance you need in marriage to create and sustain a compatible lifestyle and the feeling of love.
This rule teaches couples to become thoughtful and sensitive to each other's feelings when they don't feel like it. If both spouses follow this policy, they avoid all the Love Busters because they won't mutually agree to anything that hurts one of them. Demands, disrespect and anger are eliminated because even negotiating strategy must be mutually agreed to, and no one likes to be the recipient of abuse. Annoying behavior is eliminated because if one spouse finds any behavior or activity of the other annoying, according to the policy, it cannot be done. It even eliminates dishonesty, because a lie is certainly not something that you would agree to enthusiastically. It helps plug up the holes in the sieve of the Love Bank that cause most couples to drift into loveless incompatibility.
It also forces couples to negotiate fairly. The Policy itself prevents either spouse from making unilateral decisions about anything, so they must discuss every decision they make before action can be taken. Demands are out of the question, because they are not made to create enthusiastic agreement -- they are made to force one spouse to lose so that the other can gain. The same can be said for Disrespectful Judgments and Angry Outbursts. What role do any of those Love Busters have in a discussion where the goal is enthusiastic agreement? In their place, each spouse learns to make requests and express opinions, showing respect for the other spouse's opinions. The sheer folly and stupidity of demands, disrespect and anger are vividly demonstrated when a mutually enthusiastic agreement is your goal.
Successful negotiation in marriage creates a solution to every problem that benefits both spouses and doesn't hurt either of them. The Policy of Joint Agreement forces a couple to find those solutions. None of the states of mind in marriage encourage them to do that, so they need this rule to override their instincts that prevent successful negotiation.
The Policy of Joint Agreement encourages couples to consider each other's happiness as equally important. They are a team and both should try to help each other and avoid hurting each other. It just makes good sense. Why should one spouse consider their own interests so important that he or she can run roughshod over the interests of the other? It's a formula for marital disaster, and yet some of the most well-intentioned couples do it from their honeymoon on.
When I first see a couple in marital crisis, they are usually very incompatible. They are living their lives as if the other hardly exists -- making thoughtless decisions regularly because they don't care how the other feels. As a result, when I introduce The Policy of Joint Agreement, it seems almost impossible to follow. They have created a way of life that is based on so many inconsiderate habits that it seems the policy would force them to stop all their activity -- so much of what they do is thoughtless and insensitive.
But once they start to follow the policy, it becomes easier and easier to come to an agreement. As they throw out their thoughtless habits and activities one by one, they replace them with habits and activities that take each other's feelings into account. That's what compatibility is all about -- building a way of life that is comfortable for both spouses. When they create a lifestyle that they each enjoy and appreciate, they build compatibility into their marriages.
But the most powerful incentive for following this policy is that it helps sustain the feeling of love. Once the Policy of Joint Agreement is acted upon, it helps insulate a couple from many of the destructive forces that are ruining marriages. And it helps couples learn to meet each other's needs in ways that are mutually fulfilling and enjoyable. Spouses that follow this policy and meet each other's needs fall in love and stay in love with each other.
As I already mentioned, negotiation is very tough in marriage because each state of mind, Intimacy, Conflict and Withdrawal, tends to discourage negotiation. But the Policy of Joint Agreement can help us override our instincts, and enable us to negotiate fairly regardless of our state of mind. That's because "enthusiastic" agreement is the goal, as opposed to "reluctant" agreement.
In the state of Intimacy, our Giver would agree to almost anything if it would make our spouse happy. But it would not be an enthusiastic agreement -- it would be a self-sacrificing, suffering-servant kind of agreement. Only our Taker is capable of "enthusiastic" agreements, because it's only enthusiastic about something that's in our own best interest. If you and your spouse are in enthusiastic agreement, it means that both of your Takers agree that the decision is in your best interests. Those are the agreements that are most likely to make you both happy.
In this short introduction to the Policy of Joint Agreement, I have presented a broad panorama of what it is, why it's so important in marriage, and how you should apply it in your marriage. But there are many details I've left out of this introduction that I describe more completely in the Q&A section of this web site. To make it easier to find these columns and answer some of the questions you might have at this very moment, I will describe some of those that are most relevant to the subject, negotiating with the Policy of Joint Agreement.
Q&A Columns Regarding the
Policy of Joint Agreement
All marital conflicts are opportunities to negotiate. And when done correctly, with the Policy of Joint Agreement, most marital problems are relatively easy to solve. But I have received many letters wondering if this policy is reasonable. Can a husband and wife be expected to agree on everything? And enthusiastically? So I posted the column, Incompatibility is at the core of marital conflict. How to Survive Incompatibility is a Q&A column I've posted that introduces the problem of incompatibility, and offers the Policy of Joint Agreement as a general solution. The problem of incompatibility and the solution are readdressed in Following the Policy of Joint Agreement When You're VERY Incompatible.
What happens when the Policy of Joint Agreement is not followed in marriage? Disaster! And the disaster is seen in many forms. One of its most common forms is a Love Buster I have already introduced to you, annoying behavior. To refresh your memory, an annoying behavior is any habit or activity that one spouse does that bothers the other spouse. It may not seem like much of a disaster when annoying behavior is in its early stages, but there are many examples of it growing into ugly monsters. How to Overcome Annoying Behavior describes the seriousness of the problem and offers the Policy of Joint Agreement as the only reasonable solution.
One of annoying behavior's ugly monsters, drug and alcohol addiction, clearly creates marital disaster. If every couple followed the Policy of Joint Agreement, there would be very few alcoholic spouses. But without that rule, alcohol and drugs can sure wreck a marriage. What to Do with an Alcoholic Spouse is a column that addresses this common problem that has plagued marriages for thousands of years.
Negotiation assumes that two people are willing to resolve a conflict. But in many marriages, one spouse is not willing to negotiate, or follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, particularly when the marriage is in serious trouble. A commonly asked question is, how can one spouse negotiate when the other spouse is not interested? I have posted two Q&A columns on the subject: Can a Marriage Be Saved by One Spouse (Part_1), and Can a Marriage Be Saved by One Spouse (Part 2).
Having Trouble with the Policy of Joint Agreement? In this column I not only discuss the Policy of Joint Agreement, but I also describe Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation, which is my 10th and final Basic Concept,
Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation
2006-11-18 04:26:43
·
answer #1
·
answered by lindakflowers 6
·
0⤊
0⤋
You are both learning how to do this and you are each others teachers. I've had the same problem, MANY times.
A healthy respect for each other is necessary. And fair fighting is also necessary. However, a good many people lack one or the other or both.
You are both also learning humility.
I usually do things with humor, as do my chosen partners, so I usually lighten it up with humor. One boyfriend had such a hard time telling me I was right he actually said, "I hate it when you are...(there was a very long pause) NOT wrong." Which I really got a big kick out of and now I use it often.
So try that, or some other humor. It often lightens the blows. And be careful with your words, they cannot EVER be retrieved.
Peace.
2006-11-18 04:28:04
·
answer #2
·
answered by -Tequila17 6
·
0⤊
0⤋
Well first of all, try not to look at it as "lowering"yourself when you are being a rational human being who tries to achieve the best for both of you. Second, find out why it is so absolutely necessary for you to be right all the time. Does iet stem from insecurity? If so, try to work on that. And remember: setting the right example will eventueally help your girlfriend to do the same thing probably. I think it's great that you're trying to resolve this by the way. Good luck.
2006-11-18 04:26:21
·
answer #3
·
answered by chocolatebunny 5
·
1⤊
0⤋
You both have to come to an agreement to be mature and talk to each other without raising your voices and getting too upset. My husband and I (before we got married) had to come to the same agreement. He is hot headed and tends to insult me when he knows I'm right. I am very opinionated and stubborn. So sometimes we have to agree to disagree. Or one of us has to say, "Alright, we'll try your way and see what happens"
If the two of you can't speak to each other in a mature way in a disagreement, you should consider that you aren't meant to be together.
Good Luck.
2006-11-18 04:24:54
·
answer #4
·
answered by toothfairy 3
·
0⤊
0⤋