I am 33 years old, my husband just told me he had an affair, I feel awful, how can I get my confidence back?

Question

Could an affair on my side make me feel better? We only been married for 4 years. Sex is good between us, he is sorry of what happend, that is why he told me because he could not live with it.
Uhhh, it hurts!

Answer 1

First of all, IT'S NOT (and I repeat) NOT your fault that your husband lacks integirty. That is HIS problem, not yours.

He took a vow, which means he promised to turn TO you through anything (skiness or heath, etc).

If he felt like something was missing, he should have come to YOU and told YOU what he needed from you.

The choice is yours. You can decide to accept that from him, or you can decide that you can do better that him. You can allow him to do that, and make excuses for him, or you can raise your standards.

Legal separation is usually required before a judge will sign off on a divorce. The length of separation varies from state to state. Separation allows for time for reconciliation. In VA, it's 12 months, and in WA, it's 3 months. Not sure about other states.

I would wonder if he were able to tell you, in his own words, how he thinks this has impacted you, how you must be feeling, and how he was able to justify his behavior in his own mind. I would question his sincerity when he says he is sorry, if he is unable to show some empathy. Empathy is the ability to see beyond your own perspective, and to have compassion for someone else's.

He is ashamed of himself, as he should be. I hope he does not project that onto you, or try to make you feel responsible for his actions. If he does this, then he will do it again. Don't let him make this your fault.

You have to decide what you want to do. Yes, it will hurt for a while, but you have to decide whether or not he "gets it". And if he "gets it" you have to decide whether or not he is worth staying with.


Women are biologically pre-programmed to have a fear or abandonment. Before modern civilization, that meant a death sentance. Today, women are more empowered and capable. This pre-programmed fear tends to make women think they should have to accept mistreatment and betrayal, for fear of being alone.

Being alone is better than wishing you were. I for one, would not ever accept infidelity from anyone. I would not want someone to be with me out of some misguided moral obligation. I only want someone to be with me if I am their #1 choice. I want someone who is willing to tell me what he needs, and wiling to do whatever it takes to give me what I need. Faithfulness is a requirement for me.

Your life is what you make it. I would recommend that you file for legal separation, kick him out, and let him have a chance to see what life is like without you for a while. You might like it better, or he might. You might miss him, and he might miss you. Legal separation is not divorce. It can be easily dismissed. I would also recommend that you see a family and relationship counselor. If he is not willing to do that, then he isn't really sorry, and he doesn't really want to make it work. If he IS sincere, then he will be willing to do whatever it takes to redeem himself and make effort to save the marriage.

Watch carefully to see if what he says matches with his behavior. Behavior is a big "tell" about someone's sincerity.

Maybe he just was feeling inadequate by your success at juggling life's obstacles. Maybe your strength of characted emasculates him. Maybe he needed to feel more powerful and attractive, and haivng a dirty little secret was his way of overcompensating for his own insecurities. Regardless, it was selfish, stupid, and lacked integirty to do so. It was a betrayal and a violation to you and your marriage, not to mention, insulting and dishonest.

I cannot imagine the hurt you must be feeling, but you have to know that it is not your fault. And no, you do not have poor judgement in character.

You have to understand something, also. When a relationship is new, your body produces certain chemicals like crazy (like dopamine, norepinepherine, endorphins, etc) that give you a "high" or a "rush". This chemical overproduction is good for about 36 months, then the production dwindles. New chemicals replace those; chemicals that promote a long-term sense of acceptance and comfort.

Many people think that "the fire is gone" or that they are no longer "in love" or that the relationship lacks chemistry. Your bodies take longer to "respond" to each other, and intimacy takes more effort.

"Serial daters" and "Players" have an addiction to the "high" from "new relationship chemical" overproduction, and do not understand the "long-term chemicals" feeling.

Porn addiction is also similar to this, and a result of "new relationship" chemical overproduction. Porn causes a similar chemical effect. The problem with most porn, is that is reduces women by objectifying them, oversexualizing them, and stereotyping them. It changes a man's expectations about women. There is a growing market for "female-friendly erotica/porn" because females respond similarly to porn, so long as it does not dishonor female sexuality. Dr. Laura Berman's Passion Perscription has links and access to this stuff.

Sometimes, in relationships we become too self-absorbed. We tend to become too concerned with our own needs and tend to assume that our mere presence fulfills our partner. We forget their needs in favor of our own. We have our own busy schedules, responsibilities, and obligations, and we forget our partner's.

But those of us who have integrity, share our concerns and turn TO our partners, and make a MUTUAL effort to resolve these natural issues. We make an effort to understand our partner's experiences, and appreciate our partner's struggles.

Some ways people "spice up" their partnership are physical fitness (it stimulates those "new relationship" chemicals into production), go on dates, role-play, watch movies (yes, there is a market for female-friendly porn-go to www.drlaurabermanspassionfiles), and maintain emotional intimacy. That's when you reveal all of your secret thoughts, insecuruties, and doubts with your partner (the stuff you wouldn't tell another living soul).

My heart goes out to you. The ball is in your court. I urge you to do some research before making any decisions, but that the decision you make is YOURS. Please do not sit there and wait for HIM to decide what You are going to do with YOUR life.

Take care!

Answer 2

I first would ask why he felt he needed to go outside of the marriage, but hold down the pain and hurt while talking about it with him. If he was honest as to him having the affair hopefully he will be honest as to why he did it. The excuse it just happened by the way is not an answer. There obviously is something wrong in the marriage for him to want to go outside of it. Unless he is just a dog. I would not suggest for you to have an affair to show him what it feels like because in return it will make you feel worse and cheap. Do you forgive him, truely forgive him because if you do not then how can you walk forward if you are looking backward. The distrust will not go away for a long time and he has now prove he is worthy of it again as before you freely gave it to him. He has to understand that point. A person who has nothing to hide hides nothing. Yes it hurts, lord I know it does had it done to me but if you love him truely love him you will forgive him. It was a mistake and we all make them unfortuantly some are worse then others. As for your confidence dear you did not make him turn outside the marriage that was his choice and he made that choice. Only you know what you bring to the marriage. No one said a marriage is easy, it is so much easier to walk away and say I don't need this B.S. Now on the other hand if he is not willing to be an open book to you until he can prove you can trust him again then he is still hiding something. If he does it again then it was not a mistake the first time and it wasn't a mistake the second time and you do need to move on. Your hurt will slowly go away with each rising of the sun. Only you can control your actions and thoughts and if you was to have an affair to get back then you can not say honestly it was a mistake. Good Luck dear!!

Answer 3

No words are adequate to describe this kind of hurt. I know this feels like your world has been pulled right from under you and it hurts like mad.

An affair on your side would not make anything any better and will also not let you feel better about yourself. I know it's hard but try to remember that the reason for the affair was that he made a bad moral decision, not because you deserved it. Decide if you are staying or leaving. If you are staying, focus on your relationship and start a new road together. It seems hopeless but believe me that it is possible in time and your relationship might then be even better than ever before.

Keep your joy and your hope, and between the broken pieces of your heart something new will start to emerge.

Oprah once said that if something like that happens your life is not over, only altered....Good Luck :)

Answer 4

NO do not have affair too. Two wrongs DO NOT make a right!!! That is the worst thing that you could do is have an affair yourself. Stop and think about it for a minute, you have an affair so you can "feel" better about it, then later down the line say that you and him DON'T make it, you will not be able to say that you never did that to him!! That he did cheat on you but you didn't cheat on him. So don't go out there and cheat on him too, you are a better person than that, so don't lower yourself to his level.

Yes I know it hurts like heck to be cheated on, I know first hand about the pain that it brings. But the way I see it is, I would give him another chance to prove that he wanted to be faithful to you. He is going to have to prove to you that you can trust him again. It is going to be very hard to say the least. He will not be able to keep anything from you at all. He is the one that screwed up and so he is the one that is going to have to fix the problem to the point that you will be able to trust him again. I mean that goes right down to calls he gets and makes, going to town, anything and everything to prove he is not cheating on you. Then at any given time that he does it again....it's over!!! He had his second chance and blew it. Just that plain and simple!!!! His choice, he can take it or leave it.

Answer 5

How can I get my confidence back? Could an affair on my side make me feel better?

You bet.Plus it'll be much easier to accomplish since your a female.Getting even isn't enough tho.You should one up him at least for causing the problem and once more for making you have to deal with it.Of course getting even might end your relationship but if he can't handle it why should you?There's no way its hurting him more than you.It's already in your head that it might help so getting even might help you so long as you can deal with it.It's hard to hold a grudge when your guilty too.It won't fix everything but you'll probably have an easier time dealing with whats been done to you.

2 wrongs don't make a right but Its also better to give than recieve isn't it.

Answer 6

"Ive been seeing someone".

"How old is she?" He replied 22

"22, Your older than she's been alive. Was it good?"

"Yea and part some".

"Did you play Daddy?"

///////////////////////////////////////////////////
These were a few lines from the movie 52 Pickup starring Roy Shreider.

He has an affair and then must explain to his wife played by Ann Margaret.
The moral here is that when a married Man begins to lose interest
in his wife it usually is a result of him being weak and not able to resist the temptation of another Woman when she has hinted that going to bed is imminent and the lust anbd desire to hear a new voice and to feel another Woman sexually comes into play that makes him prove his ego as a macho Man.
The sexual noise as a result of him making l;ove woth another Woman is a turn on that he has penetrated enough that she really has felt his presence and that is where the cookie crumbles, because he failed to acknowledge that he may have been played for his kindness for his weakness and that leaves the wife in subtle shock.
The end result is not shame or remorse, it is pure ignorance and loss of respect to honor his Wife truly and then feel that saying "I'm sorry and I'm hurt and it won't happen again are the wrong words to say".
The proper thing to say is that he must admit there is a problem and get down to repair it and communication is the best way to dig deep to find out why he has found his wife not desioreable when she is a good looking woman and that is all of it in a nut shell.

Answer 7

You having an affair would not solve anything instead it will make things a lot worse. It's o.k. to be hurt because the man you loved trusted and love has betrayed you. Communicate with each other and find out from him what made him step outside the marriage. Do not blame yourself for his actions because he was the one that stepped out. If you want the marriage to work, communication between you 2 are very important and probably marriage counseling will help. If you do not trust him and no longer want to be in the relationship, then...... you know what you need to do. I wish you well.

Answer 8

God, what an idiot you married. He goes out, screws someone, then comes home tells you and hopes you'll forgive him......Geeez The first mistake he made was sharing his body and soul with another woman. The second was telling you. Betrayal is the deal buster for most of us, and for you to go out and do the same will bomb your marriage within 2 years. It may be bombed already!!!!! Any marriage counsellor will tell you that marriage is Admiration, Respect, Passion and Trust. He shared the Passion with someone else, your Trust is gone, and the other two will soon slide the longer it grinds on you. If both of you wish to save your marriage, you both need to get into counselling, and expect 2 years for that trust to get rebuilt, though you may not be in counselling for two years..... but for sure, you need a few sessions to figure out ways to make your marriage re-flower.

That you feel aweful, is sure understandable.....don't know how you kept from vomitting in the guy's face, hon....

Answer 9

Time to get out sweetie, I am sorry but if you can live with the fact that he was with someone else then that is on you. But if it hurts that much then you need to go. You deserve better and he obviously doesn't love you or he wouldn't have even did this in the first place. I want to ask you this question and it is a bit harsh but it is reality and gives you something to think about. When he was with this woman, there is a possibility that he went down on her, and guess what he probably came home and kissed you, which means you just had someone elses (you know what) on your lips. When you are having sex, you are now having sex with her and him, what makes you think he cares. I am sorry to be so harsh, but men are pigs, and no having your own affair is not the answer, that will make you no better than he is, A LOSER. do you remember the old saying two wrongs do not make it right. Just think about it and Good LIUCK

Answer 10

I know how you feel, my first husband had an affair. Do not blame yourself. He was the one who did wrong not you. It is hard to forgive and learn to trust. You should not have an affair. That is a sure way to kill anything that might be left between you and your husband. By all means try to save your marraige if that is what you both want. Just know it is hard work. Good Luck!

Answer 11

He committed the crime and he lacked the strength
to carry the load so he dumped it onto you, the innocent party.
You should be doubly hurt...
He was unfaithful and then dumped the hurt onto you because
he could not carry the weight of his own transgressions..
His telling you was not because he was sorry...He was weak..
In most cases I would not advise having an affair yourself in
order to feel better or "get even"..
I would simply advise to forgive & forget or divorce and move on
but either way, get it done sooner rather than later..
In your case....I suggest you go out and have an affair / sex
with another man and then tell your husband about it...