My marriage is falling apart and I can't seem to stop it?

Question

I'm sick, mildly depressed and suffer greatly from fatigue. Been married over 30 years. For years she was depressed and seriously overweight. I adjusted for her back then --she doesn't agree that I did it enough. Then I got sick and she turned her life around. I've always found her beautiful. She now acts like I always wished she would, but would never say because I knew it would hurt her. She has a new flair, a new purpose, and I can't meet her needs. It's not just sex, it's life. When we had young kids I understood things had to be different, but they're grown. Now that we should finally have time to live the good life, I get sick. It's not fair to her that I can't be fun all the time, and it's not fair to me that she wants more than I can give. My depression comes more from her reaction to me than from being sick. She can't understand that just because I'm not upbeat all the time doesn't mean I don't want to be. My life is falling apart. I love her 100%. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Thats a hard situation to be in, sadly its a common one. Have you tried seeing someone????

Answer 2

I've never been married myself, but I strongly support the idea of marriage, believe in the value of marriage and commend anyone who has been married as long as you have. I am confident that throughout the past 30 years, you have faced far more trials and tribulations than you have shared here.

Over time, people change. You and your wife have both experienced this. I hear that you love your wife very much and continue to fight for her. If you have done so already, maybe seek out a doctor who can diagnose your problems. Ask your doctor for a note to prove your health conditions and show this to your wife. If your wife can accompany you on this trip to your doctor to hear the diagnosis, all the better.

There is also marriage counselling, which I've heard can be effective. With this, however, it takes both of you to want to make the marriage work. By the sounds of things, your wife may not wish this. You have explained that, "She has a new flair, a new purpose and I can't meet her needs."

Perhaps consider a temporary separation? She can explore her new-found purpose in life but may learn that she loves you too much to be apart from you. Being away from her negative reactions to your depression may just help you feel better as well ... negativity breeds negativity.

Perhaps you have heard the poem, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours ... if not, it never was"?

Good luck sir.

Answer 3

Remember your vows "in sickness and in health" You were there for her when she needed you, and now she is there for you. Accept her love and try not to get down on yourself because you can't be everything that you would like to be for her right now. Let her take care of you, and concentrate on getting better physically and mentally. You are right that life isn't fair sometimes, but try to be strong and fight this so you can live the life with her that you desire so much. I think counselling for the depression is a good idea for you. Try not to look at the negative right now, concentrate on the positive and just know that you have a committed woman by your side that will help you.........treasure that, and give her all you can give right now. I wish you all the best and I hope life brings you both happiness in the end.

Answer 4

You need to get into counseling. This is far to complex a situation to deal with here. I have no idea of your illness but the depression can be helped medically. The fact is she finally feels free and once you have been drowning your not likely to jump in that same water to save anyone else. She is not going to be there for you because she is afraid to go there. The best thing to do is get some counseling for yourself and her. You need it more than she does. Then work on getting well. I don't know your illness so I can't help there.
You can't be seen as a wimp in a woman's eyes and save your marriage. You need to be the smart cocky funny and charming man she wants. Act like James Bond.Envision the success and it will happen.

Answer 5

You haven't already, seek professional counseling alone to deal with your depression and seek marriage counseling with your wife. I am not so sure what causes your fatigue but have you tried during some form of exercises to help boost your energy levels? I had a problem with being tired all of the time and my husband and I would take a walk which helped me a lot. I wish you well in your life and marriage. 30 years is a long time to just throw in the towel.

Answer 6

If you get a chance, read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus....very insightful as to how the opposite sex thinks and reacts to situations. Until you understand where she is coming from you will always be struggling. You will also be able to understand some of your feelings and why they are what they are. I don't know "the rest of the story" that created the position that you are in today, but the information in this book may help.

Answer 7

You have to be as old as I. Around 50ish? I too am feeling the down hill spiral of fatigue, over work, and an easy ability to catch every cold and flu that comes down the pike! What I did was to try and make myself look good even though I didn't feel that good. I started working on my body, through the sicknesses. Lifting weights to put on inches on the chest and arms, sit ups from that insane lady's video (nobody can keep up with her, I swear!) to drain away fat in unwanted areas, and lots and lots of walking, jogging, and running up hills! Guess what? I started feeling good, then great. Now my wife who is over weight, wants to drag me in the room all the time, wink wink! The commercials are right! Just do it!

Answer 8

To start with. You need to do something about the depression. It will only make you sicker. Depression,Anger,Resentment they all work against your body and will make it hard for you to recover. You also need to talk to her. Maybe she isn't acting the way she is because of your illness but reacting to your behavior since you illness.I don't know if I am saying this right.So let me give you an example. Last year for my 33 Birthday my big present from life and god was a stroke. Afterward I was so depressed and angry.I didn't understand why I got sick. I thought because of my problems I have do to the stroke that my husband saw me has weak and useless. I felt tired,useless and unattractive all of the time because of my limitations.And I started to lash out at my husband he couldn't even ask me if I remembered to take my meds. Because I would jump all over him. I swore that he treated me differently because of my problem.But it wasn't him who saw me differently it was me who had a problem with myself.Maybe you should talk to your wife and find out how she really feels about your illness.Not how you think she feels.

Answer 9

Harville Hendrix's book GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT.

I'm sorry for your pain, by the way. It's not uncommon that when there's an unbalanced marriage (one sick, one well) and the well one gets sick, the sick one gets well. There are other things you can and should do. Keep your eyes and ears open for them, the universe loves you and wants you to be happy. But start with this book, it's excellent and will speak directly to some of your more immediate problems.

Answer 10

Maybe you can take a better care of yourself physically and spiritually going to fitness center or chiropractor, something like that, walking in the park and meeting some new people, listening to or reading great books? I mean try not to concentrate only on your private life with her...Life is big and rich.

Answer 11

Another case of bad timing. Nature seems to love to play that game. You didn't say what your illness is, so I'm hoping you will get better in the future and that will help. If not, tell her that pride cometh before a great fall, and she could be worse of than you someday soon.

I don't think this helped much but I'm not a counselor.