why is it that love can end your world?

Question

I'v been married 14 yrs now,and to my dismay have found out my wife is having an affair with a younger man,25 yrs old who lives with his mom.I have been faithful to my wife,always givin her affection told her I love her and that I'm in love with her every day of my life .we are in our early 30,s me 32 and her 33 we have 2 beautiful children together.she will not listen to advise from anyone,that guy is young and has already been through a divorce after only 2 months of marriage or so this is what my wife tells me.she says he loves her and she loves him after only 4 months of knowing each other.he knows shes married and has 2 kids and is still chasing her.as for me I am in a world of hurt,not knowing why this happend.I was raised by my mom because my father cheated on my mom and promised myself at a very early age that I would not make who ever I got married to suffer the way my mom did.but as it turns out it happen to me.ladies do you think my wifes affair will end in happiness for her

Answer 1

I really can't say one way or the other. But it seems to me perhaps your wife has never had her own independence. By that I mean she went from her parents home straight into a marriage. If she now has a taste of "sewing her wild oats" with the younger man, who really knows of it's honest shared feelings between them or perhaps she just needs some time to find herself as an individual independent from being a daughter,wife, and mother.
I am so sorry for you having to deal with such a situation after what you've lived through in childhood. Try to be patient and give her the space and understanding as if she were a misunderstood child. You certainly don't deserve it, but for the sake of your children and your marriage concentrate on the children and don't give up hope on her. It's better she figure it out for herself. I have had 3 friends throughout my life that went through this type situation and ended up back with their children's fathers.

Answer 2

I don't think you are to blame for any of this crazy behaviour, you did the right thing the whole way so be proud of yourself.
As for your two kids there is not much you can do, just keep doing a great job. You are a perfect gentleman and applause to you.
I really don't think the affair will end in happiness, hey look at Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston affair, it was lust and not love, a relationship won't last on just lust.

How could you possibly know your in love or even know someone after only 4 months, sounds a bit rough to me.

Your wife has some serious problems to work out and stop stringing her family behind like a door mat.

Be patient and accept your wife will fall on her face one day or just pack up and leave with your kids.

Love is not meant to hurt and won't hurt anymore if you knew where you stand.

Answer 3

What has happened to you sounds just like me. Only difference is you discovered it now and not years down the road. I was married to my first wife for 37 years. While it was a long way from the best at least I thought we were okay.

I found out years later...in our 50's....that she not only had the affair I feared she may have but had 7 all total back at your age. This relaxation liked to killed me. I went to a crises counselor. I worked through it and got past it. As it had been years earlier we went on.

Due to circumstances in our life when we were 60 she found someone on-line and begin having an affair with him. When I discovered this I moved out.

I am married again. And this at 61 years of age. Life is only over if you let it be. She lives alone as Mr. wonderful was married and didn't want to leave his wife. Your wife could be headed for the same result.

We are still friends but at a distance. She says she went through hell when she woke up to what she had done but for the most part is happy. So I guess it worked out.

It is clear you are old enough to know your life will go on and may be much better now. Attraction is not a choice. She is not seeing this guy for who he is and what his history is. Her head is in the clouds right now and sees nothing else.

Strange part of this is my dad cheated on my mom also. Only difference it was later in life so the impact to me was far less.

My father once told me....he was drunk so he could tell me....that to look out for my first wife. He saw something there I did not. This was before I knew of all the affairs she had.

You have young children. Mine were grown. Makes divorce so much easier.

I wish I had the perfect answer. There is none except you need to now take care of yourself and your children. For all those 14 years you have considered her in all you do but now that must change. There is a wonderful life out there for the taking for you. All you have to do is get past this and look.

By the way........"allannela"...... above...could be my first wife. This is exactly how she explained to to me.

Answer 4

Have conversation with your woman about your fellings on what a divorce does to children. Do not insist she leave him, as that puts her in the position of defending her actions.

Move into the spare bedroom. Do the things that make your day go by: go to work, have dinner, help the kids with their homework, throw in a load of towels, and go to your room and read a book or call a friend, or do what you do. Keep contact with her at a minimum for now.

You can't make her make a responsible decision. You can influence her to want to keep her marriage. You are in a situation that takes time. Since she has chosen intimacy with this younger male, then remove yourself from that aspect of the relaionship. However, do continue to do the things that make a marriage ...a marriage. See if she will not seek you out after she feels she's had space and an opportunity to choose her actions without condemnation.

She may eventually figure she's made a horrible mistake. Or she may blindly continue the liason. Badgering or judging her is only going to make her dig her heels in (think stubborn child.)

Indicate that your life goes on without the intimate relationship. Now is not the time to panic. Just take one day at at time, let her make her mistake, as all of us do, and be there when she realizes it is a mistake.

And no, I do not think a 25 year old adolescent will be able to function as a responsible partner should she choose to maintain a relationship with him. He's just using her. Be there when she figures it out. She'll be that much wiser.

Answer 5

Trust is the glue that holds marriages together, while you maybe able to hold things together by shear will, eventually your strength will turn in to resentment that spills over into all of your relationships, including the children.
Can the trust be re-built? YES it can.
How? (I am not a preacher, but this I know)
"All things are possible through Christ who strengthens me"
I’ve walked down many a wrong road... doing things my way, "Having Fun" while killing those around me... like you wife. I ignored the truth… because I was afraid and ignorant about God. Once I finally came to my senses and accepted Jesus Christ’s true gift of love and forgiveness my life has finally came together, with joy and peace even in the hard times, and I am haveing more fun / enjoyment than ever before..
Christ is totally REAL so do not fear or ignore him. I would encourage YOU to find a bible believing Spirit Filled Church. Look in the phone book for Interdenominational churches, Assemblies of God, Full Gospel etc... Let his wonderworking power work in your life.
Do it man!
Then you will know pure LOVE and real JOY

Answer 6

This is not going to end your world, it only feels that way right now. Take one day at a time, and take care of yourself and your children. The hurt won't be this unbearable forever, even if it feels that way now. I don't think that your wife's affair will end in happiness, it will just end. People, I don't know what they're looking for sometimes...instant gratification? They get on a roller coaster, too ignorant to know that the highs will become low, and the ride will come to an end. Have self respect, do not give your wife the impression that you'll be there when her little fling comes to an end. Hang in there, keep yourself busy, spend time with your children, surround yourself with supportive people, take good care of YOU, this hurt too shall pass.

Answer 7

I have found that woman that do not sleep around or experience life in their early 20;s make the worse wives, they think they missed out on that part of their life, pretty weird thing, as they all seem to go out with early 20 guys,, I am not just talking woman in their 30's they do it in their 40's and 50's, after more than 20 some odd years of marriage,

I think way older woman say they are "finding themselves"
best to move on, take care of your kids,, there are alot of " grown up " woman out there that already know what they want

Answer 8

Your wife is living a fantasy. Believe me it will not go anywhere. Take my word. Sounds like she is still living with you and having the affair which you know about and talk to her about it. It's very convenient for her right now. She hasn't lost anything. She needs a rude awakening. My suggestion? You should walk out on her. Even though it's not something you really want to do, because no one wants to break up a family. But if she sees you are not going to tolerate this and that you will not sit around waiting for her to make up her mind, she may have second thoughts.

You see, right now you are there for her. She may think she is in love with this other guy. Try to leave and do not contact her unless it's necessary. Let her be the one to contact you. It may take her awhile to realize that the grass is not greener on the other side. Believe me.

I had this problem with my husband. Once I let go of him and decided that I was going to move on and leave him be, he came back to me. Telling me how much he missed me, how he couldn't believe the things he did to me, etc., etc. Now we are in marriage counseling and working on a reconciliation. I'm being very careful with him. But I will not tolerate anything less than what I deserve, and you shouldn't either

Good luck to you. And you will be in my prayers.

Answer 9

You need to contact an attorney and get a legal separation. If you walk out, she can charge you with desertion. Getting a separation would be a real wake-up call for her. My heart goes out to you. Even if she gets over this guy, there will be another one down the road. If you are able to, try to get custody of the children because they don't need to live with a woman like her. I wish you well and will pray for you. There are plenty of decent women out there. You are hurting now, but some day will be far happier than your cheating wife.

Answer 10

Even if she did leave you for this "kid", she will not stay happy for long. Immaturity is a turn-on for some, but it gets old fast. She'll regret it one day. Just take the kids, tell her to get lost and find a woman with whom you can have a real relationship with. There are lots of us out there that are like you that refuse to cheat.