scared of getting married and then hurt?

Question

What should i do?

My father divorced his first wife because she cheated on him on with my dads cousin. My dad remarried, from where i came from! :D

But growing up with this knowledge makes me feel insecure in that - what if it happens to me? - what if history repeats itself? I have trusted girlfriends that i have had fully, but i gues i know they werent for long term, but when i do get married, i think i might not fully trust her, i know in my heart, i would carry out the vows i take until death do us apart, but what if she doesnt? - In this day and age its so easy to stray, friend, colleague, etc etc.

Even a kiss, for example if something happened accidently after a few drinks, perhaps i worry too much, think too much, and should just go with the flow, but is that life? - going with the flow is half hearted approach.

I dont know whats the way to change my view on this, what are your views?

Answer 1

If you put what others had said before me, and consider that I is okay to not be sure, but to date and see what happens, and not pull back, then you have it half licked.
In my case, I had parents who did not fight and argue, and stayed together, and I think really loved each other, but pretty much did their own thing.
What has put me off from relationships, and what I am just getting over, is all my friends who had parents who divorced. Worse, friends with horrible step parents, the kind the beat with belts and all kinds of crap. I am holding out for the love of a lifetime, and want to raise my own kids, if I have any.
So, I see your ideas as really rational and normal given your background. As one person has said, the best way to do it is to not judge the situation or a future mate before even meeting her.
It can be done, I am just learning myself. So can you. And, when you meet the right one, you can tell her these things, and she will not be offput, as long as you tell her you really want to get to know her before committment.
I have been interested in the same person now for a couple years. This time it may work. She hangs in with me, and I with her. No we don't live together, but are slowly learing to trust.
So, hang in there, and let things happen slowly. Just because you kiss, or even shag doesn't mean that you are about to be in a trap, as long as you are careful.
Be good to yourself, and realize that sometimes it is the unknown that makes life exciting!

Answer 2

There's no reason history should repeat itself.

When you meet someone you want to marry, don't alienate her by not trusting her if she promised to be faithful. Jealousy is destructive and it's hurtful when your partner doesn't trust you. To me it says: "you think I'm capable of doing something really cruel and lying to you" which is not a nice thing for your partner to think about you!

I reckon that anyone who cheats lives a weird life - if they've promised fidelity to their partner. How can anyone enjoy a relationship if they know that any time their partner says they love them, actually they wouldn't be saying that if they knew the truth. So, essentially, if you cheat then not only are you being unfair to someone you're supposed to love and respect, you're also living in a loveless relationship by choice. Strange choice! My boyfriend thinks the same as me. Maybe if you find someone who thinks like you and you won't have to worry, you'll just be able to feel it's OK.

The key for me is whether you've promised fidelity, as obviously if you choose to marry you do. I've also been in the situation of being with someone that I suspected wouldn't be faithful if we stayed together long term - his track record was so admittedly poor. I loved him, and decided that I would just have to cope with it - as long as he tried to be faithful, which is what we promised each other, and we were honest about it if anything went wrong - and, crucially, that he didn't actually have an affair. Deception's the thing I know I just couldn't cope with.

If you keep worrying and feel you can't stop worrying, maybe talking to a counseller could help?

Answer 3

You cant live "what if". You have to trust someone until they give you reason not to. Why do you feel you have to marry? My parents are divorced but are still together. I know weird but they seem happier now. My brother has been dating the same girl for nearly 17 years - they have dogs, no kids and no plans to marry. I am engaged with the understanding we wont be getting married. It's working well. We're together b/c we want to Not because we have a paper between us saying we have to be together. You just have to make yourself trust someone until they prove they don't deserve it. Good Luck

Answer 4

Love takes risks, but the rewards are great. If you are constantly afraid because of fear, then you aren't living your life to the fullest. Any person can leave or die tomorrow, even yourself--however, what's important is how happy you are with the person. Also, people move on! If you have a bad experience, you can learn from it and pick up from where you left and start over again.

Answer 5

I understand your fears. My parents were divorced after 25 yrs of marriage. They fought like cats and dogs the whole time I was growing up and I knew I didn't want to live like that. The good news is that after much dating and searching. I found the one. My wife is awesome, honest, loyal, kind, forgiving and understanding. You have to look for these qualities in a woman. It may take you some time to find the right one, but it is possible to have a happy, successful relationship, even after growing up like we did. Good luck and don't give up...just be patient.

Answer 6

Babe you got too many what if's that blinds you to the main focus which should be on enjoying life with a wife...trust me the woman you find would leave you in a minute because of so many worries, and what if's...just because it happen to some one in your family dosent mean it will happen to you, why can you not be the one to brake the chain....why are you so hard on yourself?.....my advice to you is to go with the flow.

Answer 7

Don't let your dads experiences affect your life. By all means, learn from it, and before you get married, make sure you fully trust her. Don't go out with the type of girl that would do such a thing. There are plenty of girls out there which hate that sort of thing too. Wish you all the luck in the future ! x

Answer 8

If you keep having negative thoughts it will ruin your future relationships. My hubby's dad had a double life for 20 yrs cheating on his wife and kids but I wouldn't hold it against my hubby he is his own person and we have a good marriage that has lasted 11 years so far. When your future wife comes along it will be natural to trust her so try no to worry.

Answer 9

If you really love someone based on their character make sure that they have high moral standards and then know that no body is perfect.Even yourself could get tempted and so trust your future wife to be remembering that when we get married we take the risk to get hurt and it is better to love and lose due to infidelity than to never have loved at all.you need to relax and love as if you will never get hurt,otherwise you will always be miserable imagining all the worst that can happen to your marriage.

Answer 10

My parents divorced too and ive had one to many bad relationships but that doesn't mean when I someday get married that it will all turn to that... And no if someone loves you, they wont cheat... people just like to make excusses of how easy it is to become distrated- which it isnt if you love the person... Real love is pure and it all starts with you and what you feel you deserve..