husband not interested in sex? help please?

Question

ok here is the deal we have been married 3 years now and physically I have not changed any, well groomed and clean,aside from the sex issue we have a great relationship talk and laugh and have a goodtime no matter what we are doing, but he just does not ever seem interested in having sex unless I bring it up and then when we do it is great but we can go months without it if I don't mention it, of course he is more than happy to receive a bj in the car if he is feeling randy but nothing beyond that, I have talked to him about this and he says he loves me and feels that I am sexy and that I turn him on but no matter how many times we talk about it nothing changes it's like we never talked at all and I know he masturbates in the morning I have caught him doing it, he does not know that I know, I asked him if he masturbates and he said no and I know he is lying about it. I do not believe he is cheating on me just due to our work and the time we spend together I mean it is always possiable but I don't think that is it. please help, I just don't know what to do anymore. thank you

I have tried the sexy nighties and things like that, we have talked about this I have been very open with him about how I feel I know about his past he has been open with me I have told him that I love him and I hope he knows that at the start of our relationship he lied to me in a very big way when we first started going out I found out a year after we were married that at that time when we were dating before we started having sex that he was still sleeping with this gal he knew who he said he did not love or care anything about they were just f*** buddies more or less I was shocked because I had known the girl and they seemed close and he swore there was nothing there and that it was just a friend of his sisters but a year later he told me the truth i was hurt but he had finally been honest I told him that we have something great and I didn't want to give that up for something that happened in the past. Thinking about that now I might rethink his having an affair.

Answer 1

Not saying hes cheating, but with his past I would be checking on him and what he is doing, that way you know for sure nothing else is going on with him.
I had a man cheating on me for yrs before I found out. I was young and dumb at the time and didnt see the signs.

I wish you the best of luck

Answer 2

Is he on any medication? Many meds change sexual appetite. My wife is on a lot of stuff for depression and other conditions. While sex between us is great, she has told me on several occasions when I have complained about how infrequent it is, that I will always have to make the first move. If I'm waiting for her to initiate anything, that day will never come. My problem with that is that she also says "no" about 80% of the time. It gets pretty old having to be the only one who will start anything, and then getting shut down most of the time. But depression sucks no matter how you slice it.

He also may have a porn addiction, if he's masturbating without you and lying about it. Porn can desensitize a guy to 'normal' sex to where he needs to see something really over the top to get his rocks off... something that a self-respecting wife would never agree to, or at least that what he thinks. So he views internet porn until he's satisfied, but then there's no appetite left for his mate. Or when they do get together, it's not stimulating enough for him to perform.

Your guy has issues, that's for sure. Even counseling is not likely to open him up right away, so if you go, be patient and persistant.

Answer 3

It is refreshing to hear a loving wife reaching out for help to solve a problem that affects her marriage. I don't believe your husband is cheating on you as you say. Although, I beleive he has a issue of expressing his needs to you. By the fact that he is masturbating tells me he is interested in sexual gratification. This does not mean you can not satisfy him. It means there is something within him that is blocking his ned from being expressed to you. Maybe he feels inadequate? How old is he? He may be feeling mid-life crisis? There are alot of things that could hinder you two's sexual intimacy, but there are plenty of tactics that can help. you probably already know some, like dressing in a way that you know will excite him, talking to him in a way to turn him on, if you have to be the aggressor so be it ( who cares so long as you get what you need and he gets what he needs), you may want to set particular days or nights you can get it on ( this will allow him to prepare himself), and last but not least you communicate the issues to him during a loving conversation. This man loves you, and probably wants the best for you, even in bed. If he feels that he can not give you the best he will withdraw, and be left cunfused,hurt, feeling less than the man you married. I am a man and have went through similar circumstances. I encourage you to talk together about the issues and lovingly resolve them . For your marriage is you and him everything else the two of you deal with together. Even sex between you two.

Answer 4

I know that this comment has some not traditional responses.

To begin with the fact that he masturbates (I assume successfully) doesn't mean he isn't suffering from ED. A man can still reach orgasm, if he tries hard enough even though he isn't hard.

Before you make you own decisions on what to do, try to get him to see a urologist and/or an endocrinologist to make sure he isn't hiding a medical problem from you. probably out of embarrassment or feelings of inadequacy. and that could happen even though he is confident in every other aspect of his life.

Next, I think the suggestion to see a marriage counselor is good idea.

Since he is hiding his masturbation and other circumstance you describe, I agree, it is unlikely he is cheating (not impossible, but unlikely).

Lastly, you need to talk to him. He needs to know, specifically what you need in the form of intimacy, regardless of what is going on with him. He needs to know that this is a serious problem for you and that you need to seek a solution that hopefully includes him.

Those solutions can be traditional, like spending intimate time with each other that may include him in arousal and orgasm without actual coitus (using toys, etc, oral, and other sexual techniques).

Finally, if all else fails, and your open to it, and with complete honest and agreement from him, you might seek with his knowledge and a clear set of ground rules, to find what you need with someone else. But if that becomes the alternative it must be throughly though out and discussed and goes beyond a few lines at Yahoo answers. And it certainly is the very last alternative. the two of you must have a very strong love and connection, and desire to continue your relationship otherwise and an unusual amount of trust on both your parts.

Depending on what you want to do, and how strong your love is for each other, you will make the right choices together, but you both need to talk about this like you've never had before. And this discussion has to be without blame or accusation.

Write me if you wish to discuss it further (I have some experiences in each of the alternatives) (email in Answers profile).

good luck

Answer 5

Sounds like your man is your best friend. He is happy living with you and having his home and his needs cared for by and with a partner. He likes to do the same for you.

Intimacy has many definitions and your man does not include sex as intimacy. Women have an awful time with this. Your man enjoys sex for sex. He likes the gratification and it sounds like thowing in the emotional gear we girls bring to bed doesn't turn him on.

Let the subject drop. When you feel like some intimacy go light the candles, take a nice hot bath and go do what you would do with him, without him....... Don't say a word to him. He'll figure it out. Demonstrate that you have the ability to satisfy your own needs.

The idea is to expose him to your sexuality without making him responsible for it. See if he doesnt' eventually ask to participate.

He wants sex for sex. Keep the bonding in the Living room.

Answer 6

Has he always had a low sex drive or did things change? It is so selfish that he is masturbating and leaving you out.

It sounds like he is interested in sex because of the masturbation but not interested in you. And since you haven't changed, he has.

I would discuss this with him. Tell him you need and expect more. And tell him you won't put up with him having an affair. Blow up and get everything out in the open. Sounds like you don't have a lot to lose.

If he is this bad in 3 years what will 10 years look like? I wouldn't want to go through life without sex. Or having to beg for it. If he won't change, you have to decide if friendship is enough for you. There are too many great, horny guys out there to go through life with one who only wants to be a friend. Sounds like a few of them read your message. :)

Answer 7

Quit throwing yourself At him and make arraignments for a marriage counselor, tell him your going with or without him.
I have an idea he's either lying to you and still seeing this other girl or there's something else going on. I sure hope your not the harbor until a better ship comes along, know what I mean, it seems like he's cruising.

If he refuses then your going to have to make a decision, either give him a time limit to make some changes or just pack his bags. Life is to short to worry about getting old by yourself.

Answer 8

He should marry my wife; they'd be perfect together. She thinks sex once a month is normal, and lately it seems like now it is no sex at all is normal for her. As far as I'm concerned it is a dysfunctional mindset, and until the person can recognize and admit there is a problem, there is no hope. He is in some kind of denial about the whole issue, and somehow you have to get him out of denial first. Until that happens, HE is the normal one and YOU are the sex-crazed maniac. I am living this same nightmare in reverse only mine is worse; I have to deal with a certifiable nun.

Answer 9

try to understand your husband a little bit more, maybe their are things that he finds it hard to open up to you, there might really be reasons why he is acting that way... probably some traumatic past would help you understand more why he is like that... confronting him wont help, because confronting him is just like asking him why are acting like that? but instead tell him honestly that you are not satisfied and happy with you sex life and that maybe there are things that he wants to tell you so you could understand him more and before anything else you should first tell him tht by telling you the truth you promise to love him more and that you will help him over come whatever fear he had inside him for a long long time.... be happy....

Answer 10

It sounds like he is being extremely selfish, and I don't understand why he would be so insensitive if everything else is going great. What he says doesn't matter if it doesn't match his actions. He knows he's making you feel bad, but he doesn't seem to care, otherwise he would do something about it, right? So, I think you have to decide for yourself how long you want to put up with this. If he's unwilling to change, he's saying loud and clear "I don't care."