Getting caught up in the crazy kid thing...?

Question

Feeling like my wife and I are pulling apart..I love her very much..not sure she feels the same ...she doesn't ever answer my question about where we stand..What should I do ?

Answer 1

It must be tough when things are like that.

In case it helps, here are a few ideas from various books that may be of use. Sorry its a bit long.

Its a way of dealing with relationship problems in a quick, analytical and logical way, without all the emotional grief. This suits men much better.

I think you need honesty and better communication, quick, logical and to the point man-style, not long and emotional and blame-storming sessions, which is just mind-mangling. A good phrase I read somewhere is 'Attack the problem, not the person'.

The two of you need to agree that whenever there is a problem, you won't be scared of possible arguments, you'll discuss it immediately to correct any mis-understanding that may have led to the problem. Most problems aren't because one person suddenly hates the other, they are due to mis-understandings.

Often, when she flys of the handle at something you did or said or didn't do, she's reacting to what she thinks you think, based on a mis-understanding and/or past experiences, not to the truth of what you actually think. She needs to ask you what you actually think, then react to the actual problem. Usually, there isn't one. Your words or actions didn't have the meaning she thought.

You may get exasperated at things she does or says. You need to do the same the other way round, asking her what she actually meant by what she said or did, without being afraid of an argument.

A similar thing, is when she reacts not to an event that occured, such as forgetting an anniversary, but to the meaning she attributes to you forgetting it, if you can follow that e.g. that you don't care about her or love her anymore. If she had actually asked you whether it did in fact mean that, you both could have avoided all those tears. You can give her all the reassurance she needs and become the good guy again.

Anniversaries, by the way, are a good time to tell her in your own words that you're still very much commited to your wedding vows; to love, honor and cherish her, forsaking all others (you'll never leave her for another), till death-us-do part (you want to be together forever). You get maximum plus-points for this.

You need to break the cycle where people who have had arguments become so afraid of further arguments that they don't talk and are afraid to give their real honest opinion on anything.

Another issue - whenever she looks unhappy, don't assume its your fault. That's an example of you reacting to to what you think is wrong, not to what is actually wrong. Always, and I mean always, ask her. Most of the time, it's not you. You can give her lots of love and support. Don't just give her her own space to cheer up with time. She'll think you don't care, when actually you do (another mis-understanding that can be cleared up with a few words). There are lots of other people and things in her life that may have caused the unhappiness. You're not 100% responsible for keeping her happy all the time.

When you think about it, both men and women's emotional reactions to things aren't stupid, random, mysterious or un-predicatable. They are reacting sensibly to the situation they believe exists (e.g. with tears to someone not caring). Its just that their assessment of the situation is mistaken. They haven't asked the other person to see whether their assessment or the meaning they attach to it is right before they get upset.

Men often complain that women react unpredictably or in bizarre ways to what they do or say. Things make more sense now. If a woman reacts in a way you wouldn't expect, its because she's reacting to the meaning to her of what you did or said (based on a guess), instead of asking you, to find out the meaning for sure.

When you've sorted out any mis-understandings, make any apologies if any are still needed, kiss and make-up.

Whatever problem you come across, seperate the facts of the problem from your feelings about it. For example, when you get home at night, if your wife wants to talk about her day for an hour (far too long for you), then just acknowledge its a problem. Its just a yes/no fact that there is a problem. Then investigate exactly what the problem is (just more facts).

For example, when you get home, she may talk about people you don't know for ages, like a boring person at a party who doesn't realise you have no interest in their favorite subject. If you were getting emotional, you might label that 'insensitive' and 'selfish'. Forget labels, just solve it. The negative way to solve it is for her to agree not to talk about her friends and work colleagues. But that is stopping her being herself. A more positive supportive solution is to meet her friends and chat with them so you know all about them. If you can't meet them, get your wife to show you photos and describe them. In return, tell her a 1 hour talk is too long and ask her whether she could just chat for 15 minutes, then go and do something else to unwind like taking a bath.

There's actually several reasons a woman talks about her day. To de-stress, process her emotions and to feel close to you when you support her by listening. It isn't to fix practical problems, so you can relax.

Often there are several small problems within one big one, which both people are causing. There's no need to think the other person is doing things to annoy you on purpose. Just identity the list of problems and think of solutions together that you both like.

If you have any more problems, just remember that you're not the first person with that problem. Thousands of people have been there before, can put their finger on the exact problem and have solutions. Ask on here or search for articles. Don't be put off by the girly writing-style and length of books. There's some useful tips in there somewhere. Ask for people's ideas on what the exact problem is (like getting the correct diagnosis from a doctor) and check you and your wife agree on it before you look for solutions (treatments).

That's the end of the cold-hard logical bit. Now think how you can put some romance and passion and fun back into your lives. Surprise her. Take her on dates, go dancing, candle-lit meals, a weekend away, whatever she likes.

Best of luck.

Answer 2

When you date, you expect that the other person will anticipte your needs/desires. When you have a home and a job and kids, you start taking care of your needs/desires that are not being met independently.

If you have kids, enroll them in the after school program for academic support from 3 to 4. My son is required to attend from 3 to 4. He can choose to stay for the activity if he likes. Or he can come home after academic support ....so long as homework gets done.

Establish a routine of dinner, baths and down time or bedtime. Allow for some time in the evenings for the adults to just chill. Let your wife take a long, hot bath, you go watch the game, take that time to renew your strength. Then, when you both have had a little recovery time, see if there isn't a desire for intimacy.

She doesn't answer your question because she doesn't have an answer. All she's doing is keeping her head above water. Quit asking. Instead ask her every day if there is anything you can do for her. Indicate that out of a 24 hour period you did consider her at some point.

Long term relationships are based on friendship. Being "in love" ebbs and flows. Renew that friendship, be her best friend, enjoy her for the person she is, and has been to you.

I commend you for not just bailing. Sounds like you want this to work. Don't forget she's an individual, too. Hang in there, breathe. Be her best friend and then see if the spark doesn't come flaring back.

Answer 3

You HAVE to talk about it between yourselves. Us people on Yahoo! have no idea about the unique circumstances around whats happening and can't tell you for sure what to do.

Ask whats happening, ask if she feels like your pulling apart. Make more time for each other and TALK.

Answer 4

firstly, ask yourself what you think are contibuting problems in your marriage... is there anything you can do by yourself to fix this (like helping more around the house with cleaning, or simple romantic gestures to make her feel special etc)

once you work on these things yourself, talk to her and tell her again how you are feeling....at least by this time you will be able to defend yourself a little easier if she tries to turn the marital problems into something thats "all your fault"


good luck with it

Answer 5

In the last few years I have had friends and relatives whose marriage were going through bad times - two ended up in divorce. My advice to them was " if you can't live together, don't waste your life. Go your seperate ways if that's what makes you happy?"

Answer 6

Maybe suggest counselling or something. When you are married you have to be completely open with each other so if she is not communicating you will have to keep trying to get her to and maybe suggest you both go see someone if she doesn't want to talk to you directly maybe she will talk to someone else