Intimacy. How do I create it in my life if I don't regularly see people for an established purpose?

Question

Intimacy, not the physical kind. How do I have it in my life if I don't regularly see people for an established mutual purpose? Most of my communication consists of one time exchanges, and nothing further is needed to be exchanged leaving huge gaps of downtime which I don't enjoy. Without this intimacy, I feel friendless and insecure in the world. I guess I grew up learning to depend on verbal intimacy or bonding as a buoy for self-esteem; an indicator that I was worthy to share intimate details with. I came to depend on it as a way to feel good about myself and now I have to unlearn that and find a substitute. I've gone so far as to trade sexual intimacy in hopes of some verbal kind of intimacy which didn't happen.

I feel rejected when I don't have an outlet where I can share the intimate details of the happenings in my life no matter how irrelevant or insignificant they may be to the listener's life. By sharing, I validate my existence. Am I going overboard in some way?

Answer 1

It's called friendships. And family. Are you expecting strangers to be caring, sharing confidants- and then disappear? Isn't possible. Unless you are in a friendly, ongoing relationship, why would anybody be emotionally intimate with you? How could they be? You can't have intimacy, until and unless you invest the emotional energy, and the time, to develop friendships, and to maintain family ties. IF you are friendless, the reason you are, is that you don't WANT friendships. Sure, you can say you want them, but by your actions, you demonstrate that you don't.

Answer 2

Intimacy to me is an Emotional thing that isn't
pre-determined factor. It is something we ALL need.

Find a way to establish relationships.Join the YWCA/ YMCA or some other things. Don't let yourself be
to where you have no outside contacts.(Look me UP if you can't find a friend to share with.)

You can do art,painting or journaling. Do volunteer work.
Don't rely on others for your INNER needs.
Sometimes the way we grow up dealing with things isn't as valuable as it should be. We always have room to grow
& learn. Add your personal growth to the knowledge you were raised with.

Intimacy is a reflection of LOVE, love yourself, accept yourself, VALIDATE yourself to yourself,NOT to others first.

I had some rebound effects after my late husband passed away. Those were NOT intimacy, not what he & I
had together.

I have even made friends with strangers before,just ot have someone to talk to about htings. You can get rid of things bottled up sometimes that way, like I am doing this very moment...and having the need to CRY because I am feeling so empty & lonely. But those are FEELINGS & they don't determine my value(worth). I know who I am inside and that is ALL that Matters. You must do the same.

Start you a 360 blog, play online games on Yahoo (my family) & meet people that way. Express yourself openly to the WORLD. I used to just go outside and let out a LARGE scream. No one cared. No one answered...and if they would've, I was ready to just say that I was >>>letting off some steam<<< hehe. Take Care.

Answer 3

You need to ensure that people want to spend time with you by making the time with them as happy and upbeat as possible. Make sure you're not driving people away.

Now please don't react to this with "Oh my god I've got another problem", but are you sure you're not talking to people in the style of written English, with loads of longs words, complicated grammar, complex ideas that they can't deal with because the sentence is too long? Maybe you need to relax and talk in the style of everyday spoken-english, using just the small vocabulry that everyone shares.

Then, without agonising over previous problems, just set about learning step-by-step in a dispassionate way how to be a better conversationalist and how to make friends and how to start and maintain a relationship. Don't flinch at everything you read because it applies to you. Pretend you're fixing someone else's problem while you're learning.

Ask on here or search previous answers for 'conversation' or 'chatting' or 'friends' or any other topic you think is relevent. Also google for articles. All your problems are soluble. Other people have been there before and know the answers. They are somewhere on the net.

Something else to look at is 'Are you expecting all your emotional support to come from someone of the opposite sex or from same sex friends?'. People often think one person is going to meet 100% of their needs.

Spending time apart and having some different interests is actually a good thing, essential in fact. Don't smother someone and demand that they spend all their time with you and listen to hours and hours of things you say. Just because they need time with their same-sex friends doesn't mean they don't love you.
Long girl-to-girl or short man-to-man chats are for sharing loads of everyday trivia. Even then, don't ramble on for your own benefit or depress them. Keep the conversation 50:50.

If your relationships are difficult because of lots of mis-understandings, make sure you ask the other person what they meant by what they said or did or didn't do before flying off the handle. For example, forgetting to do something doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to be with you anymore. If you start thinking that, don't agonise, phone them up and ask them why they forgot. Get the facts/explanation without throwing out accusations. React to what the situation really is, not to what you think it is or the (usually incorrect) meaning you attach to it, based on past experiences.

When you're with people, just chat about inconsequential things like 'have you seen any good movies recently' or what their favorite music or food is. That's the way to make friends, not serious-minded conversation. Don't get into the mind-set that only stupid people have light-weight conversations. Chatting with friends is fun. Open up and tell people a little about yourself, even if you're scared they won't like what you reveal. Just take a chance. How can you become friends if they don't know anything about you? Share things about yourself slowly over many chats, don't dump your whole life-story on them in one go.

Avoid saying anything wierd, negative or controversial in a conversation, as it ruins the happy mood instantly.

You don't have to spend the whole of your life being 'goal-driven' Make it your goal not to be 'goal-driven'! When was the last time you just wandered around a town with no particular aim in mind and without planning it first? Relax and smell the roses.

Stay positive, don't talk too much, keep the mood happy and people will want to spend time with you.

Some advice I read is to join one or two clubs where people don't take the activity too seriously and have time to chat, perhaps with breaks between bursts of activity (dancing perhaps), not one where people are deadly serious and competitive, like a tennis team.

You can try chatting online for practice. No particular goal, just talking to people for fun.

Also see this article which has some good stuff on getting noticed, starting a conversation, light-weight conversation and intimacy. There's couple of books too.

Answer 4

umm.. everything needs efforts and time.. friendship doesnot grow in just one day.. so does intimacy... if you donot have time for others others will also not have time for you....

Next time if you meet someone , with whom you want to be friends , just donot ignore them and try to maintain a friendship by keeping in touch...even if that means an extra effort from your side , like calling them up first or just asking them to meet...

if you want people to listen to you , you should also be ready to listen to them also....

am sure you will make friends.. and donot view everything from gain point of view ... friendship works both ways.. whatever you give you'll get that back....

Answer 5

Conversation helps. YOu can have close friends over the internet. Find someone with common interests. I have had intamacy issues too, because I grew up AFRAID of people.

Answer 6

Ohhh you need a friend email me we'll chat....

Answer 7

if ever you need a freind you are more than welcome to email me

kick_a s [e-mail] m (remove any spaces)

smile :)

Answer 8

"seek ye first the kingdom of god"...