Should i continue to be unhappy in my marriage???

Question

I am confused about what to do right now with my husband, we have been married 5 yrs. now to my husb whose in the military and i recently had a baby (#2) an i learned recently that my husband had an affair with a female soldier while he was deployed last year to iraq...well last november when he came home i suspected he had been w/ someone else but i wasn't completely sure, until now it took him a whole year to finally confess, what i felt in my heart he did. Now i am not sure what to do i dont trust him anymore and i feel betrayed and hurt even though he says he wants to work things out and hes sorry for what hes done, i just don't believe how he could do this to me after all the time and things we been through...and i do want to work it out but everyday im hurting and i can't get the thoughts of him being with someone else out of my head....and i feel like if i stay in this marriage i will be miserable for the rest of my life, and i dont also want to hurt my children in the process

Answer 1

"Going to war" is NO excuse! I know guys in the military who never went to war that cheated all the time on their wives....This happened to my sister (over and over again). Her husband was in the army as well, and he'd cry and say "forgive me, I love you" so she stayed. Well, they were married for over 20 years and she was miserable. In the long run he ended up not respecting her because she took his crap for so long. He was VERY controlling, and not very nice to their son (never hit him, but very verbally abusive to both my sister and their son). She finally left him a few years ago and it's taken her a long time to realize how staying really hurt her son as well as it did her. - She always used the excuse that it was better for the child to stay...Life is TOO SHORT to stay with someone who disrespects and cheats on you. Life is TOO SHORT for you to stay with someone with whom you are miserable. Would you want YOUR son or daughter to remain with someone that makes them miserable and disrespects them??? Give yourself the same benefit - you deserve life with someone that is full of joy and mutual respect - even during the hard times!

Best wishes to you and your family.

Answer 2

No one can give you the answer you are seeking and make you feel ok about it all. The only person that can help you is yourself. You have to find a way to be ok with it all. Neither of you want the marriage and he already said to go and take the kids. So why is it you haven't gone already? Why is it you ever come back? Most who answer you are Americans and feel just fine about divorce. Even if there isn't a good reason for it. But when there is a good reason for it they will tell you that you have too or should do it. The truth is you are the only one who can decide these things. Talk to your family and friends from your own culture. See if they can help you feel better. Every country has divorce, every religion does as well. It sounds as if you qualify for a divorce and that he won't object to it. All marriages are difficult but when there isn't even decency to hold onto, then there is no reason to hold onto it any longer. good luck.

Answer 3

It is complicated. Do you still love him? Don't stay, just for the kids, because you won't be doing them any favors, if you can't be happy. You are entitled to your feelings, & I can understand you feeling betrayed, you need to do some soul searching & decide whether you love him enough, to do the work, that it'll take, marriage counseling might help, & you need to tell him how you feel, he will need to be patient & earn your trust, it won't happen overnight. Now, as to the affair, was he in love with her, or just a one night stand? You have to try & understand, that he was in a strange place, not that I condone the affair, but I can understand how someone who is in a war-zone, seeing, hearing, God knows what, not knowing whether he would live to see another day, may reach out for some comfort, especially with reports of soldiers being killed every day. It can be scary, & give someone nightmares, even, if they are the most macho guy, who would never admit this. Love doesn't come along every day, so don't throw your marriage away, if you truly love him, you can get through anything.He is home, where he belongs now & your family deserves to be happy.

Answer 4

You've been hurt deeply. It's a very big violation. But it does happen and often people can work through this and develop trust again. But I strongly believe you need to find a good marriage counselor to help both of you through this time. Trust has to be earned back. You can get past it, but it takes a lot of work for both of you. You don't have to decide right this instant either way, go to counseling (even if you don't stay it is a good idea so you don't take your hurt and trust issues into your next relationship) work through your own personal hurt and then decide. See a counselor that will work with you both individualy and together. The family support center on base should be able to recommend a service and sometimes they can get you grants to pay for it.

Answer 5

This is a very helpful series of articles for those facingthe issue of infidelity in their own marriage ...

When a Mate is Unfaithful :
- Infidelity--Its Tragic Consequences
- Is Reconciliation Possible?
- The Option of Divorce
- Meaningful Support
- Why Some Stay Together
- Who Is Responsible?
- Children Do Not Deserve Divorce
- Does God Hate All Divorce?
http://watchtower.org/library/g/1999/4/22/article_01.htm

If your husband is Truly Sorry, you may Want to give him another chance. It isn't like you were available to him, and he chose her over you. I'm in NO way trying to condone what they did, but -- It really isn't natural at all for a man or woman to be away from each other -- as well as to be exposed to others of the opposite sex at the same time! Sounds like it's up to you to decide ... Remember, if you do give him another chance, you must forgive him for it to work. Otherwise, you will hold it over his head forever, and resentment will exist in your home instead of love. To that end, it might help for you to also consider ..

Will God Overlook Our Weaknesses?
http://watchtower.org/library/g/2002/11/8/article_01.htm

EMPATHY--Key to Kindness and Compassion
- What IS Empathy
http://www.watchtower.org/library/w/2002/4/15/article_01.htm

> Advanced Search http://watchtower.org/search/search_e.htm will find new URLs for any of the articles subtitles/subjects above whose URL gets modified (there's been a lot of that going on lately).

Answer 6

First of all you need to understand that if you make the desicion to leave that it is not YOU who has hurt the children, It was HIM who made the choice to cheat and ruin the marraige. I mean I know that you are trying to protect the kids feelings and they are not going to understand what is going on, but you cannot be somewhere you are not going to be happy, because the longer that you feel the pain of him being with someone else, the more tension and anger is going to build up and the kids are going to end up hurting because they can see that mom and dad are not happy. So I think that if you feel in your heart that this is something you will not be able to get over then yes you need to get out of the marraige, so that the kids have a fair chance to grow up in a home that is not filled with tension and anger. Have you both considered counseling? Do you think that is a consideration for you and him? It may be hard to do but if you are still willing to give it a chance and really want to stay with him, then you need to do everything possible to save the marraige but as I said before don't stay with him just to protect the kids you are going to do more damage to them then leaving. I know you said he felt bad for what he did and that he was sorry, well he needs to understand that actions speak louder than words, what does his actions say to you?

Answer 7

A man that confessed his wrong doings to you...is a MAN...how many do you think would...if they cared. He is sorry...i feel in my heart he is. For what our children has been put through, for the Gain of one man, can bring forth, a metal state of shock, to some of our children over there. Living or dieing, you wouldn't imagine what could bring someone, to think other than they would. If he wanted a relationship with someone else...he didn't have to tell you. I know it hurts...thats why I am talking to you.If you feel deep in you that they *ARE sorry, then you must find yourself, being able to forgive. You will need to tell yourself, it was the TIME and PLACE, that made this happen. He told you, so you can be assured, it'll never happen again. I am not him, but a man that confesses his sin to you, is a man that fears losing you ... and couldn't stand the feeling of hiding it from you. My intermost heart felt thought....

"We mess up in life...we all do, if only we could forgive, like we'd want to be forgiven.

Answer 8

If you have known in your heart that he has been unfaithful and it took him a year to admit it, do you think you will be able to get over it. I was in a simular situation with my estranged husband before we split up 5 years ago. He cheated and confessed after about 2 months. He quit his job because they worked together and I just found out I was pregnant. That lasted for over a year. About 2 years later and 2 kids, he started to cheat on me again. I found out he cheated with my kids' godmother. He wanted a third chance but I never really got over the first time he cheated. I guess what I am saying it has to be your decision. If you honestly believe he won't do it again and you think you can forgive him stay with him. I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

Answer 9

I understand. You will either dwell 24/7 on those horrible thoughts or will become severly depressed and withdrawn and stuff it all inside. At least he did confess. Mine still hasnt and my brother and sister n law told me. and a girl that we used to go to church with told too. and my husband is still denying it happend. I already knew in my heart that it was happening but i didnt want to accept it. I chose to become severly depressed and withdraw and build a wall. Ive been married 17 yrs and have 3 kids. all we are is roomates at this point. so i would say to you, which will you choose? drive yourself crazy with thought, or depression or just leave or realize that it will take a long time to forgive and for get before your marraige can move on? Im so sorry this happened to you. Good Luck!!!

Answer 10

You gotta understand that he's only a man if u wanted to marry a god or somthing perhaps then things might be different. My advice to you would be to fight the hurt feelings with total and complete forgiveness. Only will power I say ..the will to forgive him utterly and always for that is what marriage is about. And you wont regret it. Hey, he's with you aint he? So that oughtta tell you something right there. Commitment in marriage requires alot of grace that's for sure. Forgive it and drop it.

Answer 11

Wait for a time period which u fix urself as reasonable period to forget and forgive. If u r unable to do during that period, get out of the situation. Such incidents with soldiers or others living alone is quite common. What will u do if u face similar situation with ur new husband/bf?