If you are african american, please help me understand something?

Question

I have a friend, Luke ,whom I have just recently grown closer to. He is african american, he goes to Stanford University, he dresses very well, he's funny and basicaly a wonderfull person. He has been seeing this very nice woman, who happens to be white. The problem is that her mother just recently met Luke. At first her mother was excited to meet him. After all her daughter had just said she was dating a Stanford student, but she did not tell her mother Luke is african american. When her mother found out he was african american she became angry at her daughter. She does not want her daughter to date a "******" is what she said, right in front of Luke. Luke told me what she had said when he came over the other night. I couldn't tell how he felt about that. He did not want to continue to talk about it. I'm white I've never had to deal with racism aimed at me. I don't know what he is feeling or how to help. Advice?

Answer 1

As a friend, something you might want to look into is the relationship of black culture to white education.

In the United States, education is a really white process. The history we learn is about white people, and if it is not directly about white people, it's about what white people did. A good educator or school will be aware of this and compensate for this by including a good variety of information in the course texts, not ignoring the white viewpoint, but minimizing it as that is what we experience each day. Many movies and TV shows are about white people. (Clearly, not all of them as there has been a movement on UPN, I think, to show tv shows about people of color for people of color.) It is, in short, a realllly white dominated society.

So think about this: Luke, as an African American person, is facing getting a good education but most likely entering a field of a bunch of white people. He certainly has the same qualifications and a good head on his shoulders, but he is just not white and therefore has to struggle for credibility (unless he intends on going into education). As a part of this process for him, he probably has to leave some of his roots behind or selectively ignore them, and, because he is African American that probably means he is stripping himself of his roots in order to fit in to a white society. This is colorfully known as an "oreo," black on the outside, white on the inside. That is highly offensive. Some might view it as racist, I'm sure, but my jury is out on that one.

Anyway, so Luke might be facing the problem of being seen as an "oreo" which means he might be struggling with how to maintain his identity of an African American while still recieving respect and credibility in his field. To be blantantly disrespected and called the n-word is a direct his at his struggle, it's saying that no matter how hard he tries, he'll still only be black.

Now, I am white so I haven't really experience racism or race-related bigotry from any other perspective. As a white person, I don't have a history behind me of white people being underclass citizens or having to fight for rights because, after all, white people made up the legal system and the laws in the United States. Obviously, as a white person, I am favored. So while I have no experienced this exactly, I do study the dynamics of race and racism as they relate to class, gender, age, ability, etc.

So, if I were you, I would do some research on my own, do some of my own education before trying to talk to him about it. Try to gain some empathy and understanding of his struggle as an African American in a white dominant society.

And as for being white and having racism aimed at you, it certainly is but as someone earlier mentioned, white people have been conditioned not to see it or really know what it is when we see it. As I was saying earlier, this is a white dominated society. When someone or something dominates, it typically means that there is the idea they are always right, that they are infallable. As white people in a white dominated society, we have been taught to understand that, as white people, we are always right and that people who are not white just complain a lot because everything is equal for everyone here in the land of the free and they just want special rights or benefits. Sure, we may have anti-discrimination laws and all, but why else are laws formed it if it not out of necessity? If discrimination wasn't a problem, we probably wouldn't have the laws to protect those who are discriminated against. So we, as white people, see people of color as people who are unhappy with the equality that WE, white people, had to give them when the fact of the matter is that people of color had to get the law involved in order to address discrimination. That means conditions were really really bad if you have to get the law to back you up, doesn't it?

As you can tell with your friend Luke, discrimination is alive and well. If you care about your friends of color, then let them know that you want to start learning about *their* struggle. You need to become the bigger person and if you are out with them and somebody yells at them maliciously (such as calling them an n-word), you need to stand up for them and not disengage yourself from that situation because it didn't involve you. Yes, it did involve you. You could have stood up for your friend, who fights on a daily basis for respect that he or she might not recieve JUST because they have darker skin.

My advice to you, as I have said before, it to education yourself and try to figure out what his struggle is. I don't know your friend so what I suggested might not be true. What I explained is an example of what I have read about and what some of my friends who are black experience. It might not be the same for him. It seems like race is a sensetive issue with him so you should treat it with the utmost respect and sensetivity. He shouldn't be responsible for educating you, but he could be a good resource, once you start to understand things, to ask him about his experiences as a way to personalize what you are learning about. I hope that makes makes sense and helps.

Answer 2

How awful. That woman is just evil. She will have to answer to that one (and those types of feelings) to the "the guy upstairs" someday. Then she will feel like what she is - a pathetic, mean spirited fool. If I were the girl, I would disown the mother. I really would not abide it.

I don't know what you can say to Luke that would make him feel better. I am sure that Luke and the girl realize that there are still some/alot of people around that have the mentality of her mother. If they do love each other ... they can make it. Rememeber the movie from the sixties called "Guess Whos Coming to Dinner" ?

Answer 3

Success is the best revenge.
If he is going to Stanford, chances are, he will have a successfull career in his chosen area. Sounds like the girl has made a good choice.
Her mother is not considering her happiness at all. Pity on the mother.
If he was a no-hoper with poor prospects she might have some case to suggest caution. But to judge someone on colour alone is abhorent.
Living as I do in Australia, I see mixed relationships all the time. No-one I know worries about it. We have had some issues with people marrying outside their religion, and having some trouble there. But these incidents are rare.

Answer 4

If you are white, you deal with racism all the time, but probably have been conditioned not to recognize it. The mother will probably eventually come around, as she probably just wants what is best for her daughter, and her initial response is just a knee jerk reaction to what her conditioning throughout life has determined. Also, at the daughters age, it is common to go through many relationships and she will learn her set of behaviors as she grows too. The same for the young man.

Answer 5

I am not black, but I think I understand what he is feeling because I have seen situations like this before. The mother is probably worried about the hard time that her daughter is going to have, and about the problems her grandchildren would have if they got married. Luke is probably angry and frustrated because he likes this girl, but knows that it is going to be really, really hard on them.

Answer 6

it surely is a strong test for them two. If she loves him as much as she says then she won't leave him. And if he loves her as much as he says then he won't give up. If her mother loves her daughter, eventually, she'll come around to accept Luke. Tell him not to get depressed, or not let it affect his relationship with his girlfriend. Give it a little time. His acts will show her mother that race has nothing to do with how happy he can make her daughter.