Am I second choice?

Question

Me and my husband have been together for 5 years. Before we got together he was obsessed with another female. Due to us having problems he has seaked her out and have spent time with her. It does not matter if he has physicaly cheated on me with her because I feel he has cheated in his heart. We recently have talked about making our relationship work which means alot of changing on both our parts in the marriage. We have spent two days together that was absolutly wonderful. Tonight while we were talking I asked him if he still talked to her and he said yes, not very often at all. I asked him if when he talked with her if he still had any hopes of still being with her and he said yes but he knows it will never happen and he is in love with me and needs me. Needing and wanting are two different things and I will never be this other woman and I feel he is settling because he can not ever have her. Should i con't to work it out and how do I get over the feeling I am second choice?

Answer 1

I'm not sure I agree with everyone up here on this one. Some say ditch him but your question does not state that as your top priority or even the question. Let me reassemble what I understand. Before you got married your husband was obsessed with another woman. I think the main thing here is obsessed. We're not talking about dating, sexual partner, or ex-wife.... were talking obsessed. This is before you got married. I guess the questions pops in to mind like why is he obsessed with her? What is the overbearing attraction? I want to understand that so I would know how to deal with it.

The fact that he is telling you that he has talked to her and still has hopes of them being together might make everyone's scream but I have to ask the maybe less obvious question....why is he telling you the truth? He could just as easily had lied and said he has no attraction for her whatsoever and make attempts to see her on the side or talk to her. He is is telling you the truth even though that's brutally tough to deal with. Also he ran to her when obviously you two had a fight or severe disagreement and this other woman excepted him if only briefly is strange in itself... why did they ever break up?

You have five years with your husband and certainly you don't want to just let that go away. That's completely understandable. How do you get over the feeling of being second choice? to be honest with you I don't see anyone here that is first choice. In one respect you could graphically explained to him what you might do with some other man if you were to cheat on him. Make it a bit brutal. Make them understand your pain. He might respond if he can feel your hurt.

This is a very difficult situation because you're not dealing with a simple affair or a moment of lust. This is past, present and as he has stated possible future situation. I guess I would look at what is the status of the other woman? Is she married, does she have another life. If he feels she will always be obtainable than how can he stop. This is right up there with alcohol and gambling obsessions.

While I understand you spent the last two days being absolutely wonderful... that means nothing unless you can maintain that feeling every day. I'm sure he feels guilty and in a small way is trying to make up for. Don't get caught up in a short-term fix.

I'm afraid you may have to threaten him with separation or actually separate to make him understand your serious.

Mark
Author
GirlsTelAll

Answer 2

Due to you having problems, he has seeked her out to spend time with, why her? Why not a relative or a close friend? It seems like it is a possibility that she is the problem to start with. It sounds like she is the reason for the problem because he has intentions of leaving you for this other person. As far as him "know it will never happen", I question that, too. It could very likely be that he wants out of the relationship, but is too big of a coward to tell you the truth; possibly having had an affair with her for alot longer than you could know of. So, he gives you these answers that he does still talk to her . . . and he had hopes of being wih her, but it would never happen, but still loves and needs you. He may be trying to get you to be the one to suggest a divorce, but after telling you he needs and loves you, he could always say that he is not to blame because you were the one divorcing him when he loves you. This way he turns everything around, you look like the "bad guy" to his family instead of him, then you are "the one who wanted this, not him!" Then, he can continue his affair guilt free because, hey, you are the one who
let him have the divorce that he was to chicken to ask for. It sounds like he is not telling you the whole truth, and he's telling you what he wants you to think so he can get out of his marriage and blame you then go on with his affair. I hope I am wrong and you can trust him. From an outside view, his story doesn't add up.

Answer 3

Wow, I'm surprised at the number of answers that sort of tell you to give up and move on.

This is not all that uncommon, especially in a young marriage. What you have, in my opinion, is a husband who is emotionally immature and even, perhaps, suffering from what used to be called "melancholy". He has a flaw in his emotional makeup that allows him to fool himself into thinking that he can actually be committed (emotionally) to two women. The fact that he is talking to you about it is a major step forward - be thankful for that much - but, he's got a long way to go.

None of this is fair to you. But, if you love this guy and really want to make the marriage work, you're going to have to be patient with him and give him some time to work through this.

INSIST on counseling. Both of you need an unbiased third party to help you through this minefield. He needs to know why he is so stuck on this woman: is it a fantasy? is he depressed? is he really still "in" love with her or just the idea of being with her? etc. You need to know how to cope with his "infidelity" while he is working it all out. You need to be emotionally mature, self-confident, and self-assured. This is not about you. Actually, I'm very proud of you for not turning heel and walking out on the guy. You could and you would probably be justified, but you didn't. I hope he understands (through counseling he will) what a great sacrifice you are making for your relationship. He is SO lucky to have you.

Having said all of that, though, there needs to be some limits. You can't be expected to carry his "crush" around with you like some kind of boulder in a wheel barrow. Tell the counselor what your limits are - what you can and cannot live without.

Don't put this off. I sense that you are a strong person, but this kind of thing will wear you down. No matter how strong you are, I don't think you can expect to work this out either for him or with him without professional guidance.

Best of luck and don't give up until you have done all that you can.

Answer 4

Meghan Elizabeth and Jackson David are the names we've finally decided on. We won't know the baby's gender until the end of November. There really wasn't much of a second choice for a girls name. Not in my mind anyway, baby's daddy liked Kieran Elizabeth. As for boy's names. Jackson David is actually the second choice. My first choice was Noah Matthew but baby's daddy didn't like Noah at all. So since I wouldn't give in on Meghan, I had to give in on the boys name. I really like Jackson though. It suits our family.

Answer 5

I would feel like I was second choice. But it's up to you if you can live with it. I think if you decide you want to stick it out that you should both get counseling, together and seperately. Most marital counselors will do both. This will help him come to grips with his feelings and yours as well. I would hate for her to some day decide she wants him and for you to have spent all this time being second best only to be alone. You desertve to be number 1 in his life and maybe you can be with counseling. It sounds to me like his relationship with her is NOT healthy for him either.
I wish you all the best whatever your choices may be.

Answer 6

during times of trouble in a marriage is the time when they seek out others, instead of working on their marriage. must feel really bad to feel like your his second pick, and had she really decided she wanted him u would be history. needing means just that, he needs u incase it doesn't turn out well with her. he is keeping u there with hope that may or may not be real. if i knew i was someone's second choice and that they went out and deliberetly tried to rekindle a past love i would be gone, because a persons self worth is most important, and how could u have a high self esteem knowing he made the choice to find her again. could mean she is involved with another and has to get free. the more questions u ask concerning her and his feelings the worse u are going to feel about yourself. sometimes it is just easier to move on and find another after being betrayed cause the hurt never goes away, we never forget that they chose to seek out another instead of talk to us and tell us their problems. he does need u, incase it doesn't work out between them, he has yet to say he has given her up has he. if i had this hanging over my marriage even if it hurt me i would move on, knowing he picked her over me would be quite enough to end whatever chance we had to ever reconcile.

Answer 7

I am so sorry youa re going thru this. I agree with you he has cheated in his heart. He is also letting you know that if he could be with this other person he would. This sounds like second place to me. The only thing I can say is that it is rare that a man would be that honest with you about something like that so seeking help as a couple would be the only thing I would consider in your place. You have feeling of hurt and doubt you need help with and he has lots of issues to address.

Answer 8

My short answer to this is if you have talked over it he knows your feelings. Sometimes men are the beasts that thye are and answer on the contrary just to see what you are made of.
Keep working at it, you are definately the sober one and your hubby the nutty one, but keep rowing your boat until you reavh the shore. You are not a second choise, that is what your husbande wants you to know or think but that is not the truth. I can bet on that!

Answer 9

you can't get over the feeling that you are second choice because you are. no offense, but that's how it seems. he has obviously had feelings for this woman for a long time and has no intentions of letting them go. a marriage between two people will never be able to work if one of them has feelings for someone else. even if they never intend on acting on them, the feelings will always be there. people usually don't leave a spouse because of great sex, they leave because of the emotions and feelings.

Answer 10

Not a good situation to be in. Been there, done that. He needs to make a choice, and so do you. As the ole saying goes, "You're either on the bus or off the bus." And in this case, it better be the right bus! What ever you do, don't allow yourself to be placed in a second rate position.....you deserve better. Good luck, take each day as it comes., and "To thine own self be true"