I've known my ex-boyfriend for about eight years. He recently contacted me after several years because he wanted to (out of the blue) confess to me he's a transexual. I've been really excepting of him thus far untill he's recently asked me to start calling him Amy and has been leaving not so suttle hints that he wants to get back together.
Thats really the last thing I want. He's got really low self esteem and my oppinion of him is his world. I've become EXTREMELY uncomfortable with the situation and I'd rather not speak with him at all. I feel like he's using me for therapy and I dont know how to say so without hurting his feelings
2006-11-17 15:45:02 · 10 answers · asked by veggie-girl 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
Wow.
OK, for starters, she has put you in a very difficult situation. Leaving aside her request to get back together, just her confession of being transexual is enough to throw you for a loop. I know. Or, at least I think I know. I start therapy next week for my gender dysphoria issues. I forsee many of these conversations in my future as well.
I see where she is coming from to a certain degree, even if I do not agree with how she has handled it with you. (Please bear with me if I refer to your ex with feminine pronouns, for if she is truly transexual, this is how she sees herself.) She is terrified, litteraly drowning in a sea of turbulent emotions. So she has latched on to what she feels is her best chance for survival. You.
You don't give any background regarding the dynamics of your relationship, and Lord knows I am not a psychologist, but I would guess that when the two of you were together, you were the strong one, the decision maker. And if that is true, then she is looking for you to be that person again in her time of need. That is unfair.
This is her battle. Offer whatever support you feel comfortable offering, but also set out clear guidelines regarding what you will and will not do. You may hurt her feelings, and that's too bad. But if she thinks she can go through this transition without any hurt feelings, then she is incredibly niave, and hurting her feelings may just be a blessing in disguise. Just remember, you can hurt somebody's feelings reluctantly or you can do it cruelly. It sounds to me like you would prefer the former, so be firm, but gentle.
If she is serious about this, then it is time for her to put on her big girl panties and get to work. I would not give her chances for survival as a woman much hope if she is not willing to do some very hard work, accept a bunch of disappointment, and deal with quite a bit of rejection. If her desire is strong enough, she will make it. I will be pulling for her (and for you too) Good luck to the both of you.
2006-11-18 00:05:16 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is the problem here that he is transsexual, or that he is your ex? I assume there are more reasons than just his gender identity that are causing you to not want to get back together, so I think the best thing to do is sit down and tell him, in plain but gentle terms, that exact thing. That it has nothing to do with this, but other things, your incompatibility, etc., and you still like him and wish him luck and will try to be there for him (c'mon, it's a tough thing to do in changing gender). Meanwhile, try to help him build up support structures that he can depend on so he can gradually start reducing his dependence on you.
Be honest and kind and gentle and hopefully things will turn out well. Good luck.
2006-11-17 18:39:25 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Then just tell her. Tell her that if he is a women that you can nto get back together. The man you loved is someone, new,he is Amy. You never fell in love with Amy. Tell her that even though you support her with her new life, you still have you boundries. It might be hard for him/her, but it is hard for you too. He need to know that. Tell Amy all of that and that one day you might be ready for it, but for now, your not. Its not what you signed up for. You two arn't even together anymore, your relationship ended 8 years ago. Besides, your not a lesbain.
2006-11-17 15:52:50 · answer #3 · answered by quest 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You could just tell him that you are just taking a break from all dating and just not in the mood and would like for him to stop calling because you are see a shrink and that is what my counselor said to me to tell you. Or just tell him that You had a problem with him before and you really have a problem with him now.
2006-11-17 16:26:41 · answer #4 · answered by isitreal1963 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be up front and honest with him. Let him know that the relationship the two of you had is over and that you've moved onwards. Ask him to seek professional help in dealing with his feelings.
2006-11-17 15:54:29 · answer #5 · answered by yetanothergwm 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If ur ex values ur opinion as much as u say then the truth wont go 2 far wrong will it?
2006-11-17 15:50:38 · answer #6 · answered by MJR 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to her about it then! The problem won't solve itself. If she's doing things that are making you uncomfortable tell her what's making you uncomfortable.
2006-11-18 06:01:24 · answer #7 · answered by carora13 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Buy a large bottle of expensive cognac, and drink it all, slowly and deliberately.
2006-11-17 15:54:18 · answer #8 · answered by Mike 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't return his calls, he'll? get the message...
Sounds like fodder for Jerry Springer
2006-11-17 15:49:07 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
blow him off
2006-11-17 15:47:55 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋